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Central Park Insult Man.....Tom Cruise Pedestrian #1.....Maya Rudolph Pedestrian #2.....Jimmy Fallon Pedestrian #3.....Tracy Morgan Pedestrian #4.....Nicole Kidman Black Snake: Will Ferrell (The Central Park Insult Man is sitting on a bench somewhere in Central Park. He is talking to himself.) Central Park Insult Man: Ah, what a great day. The sun is shining. A fresh breeze is refreshing me. Couldn't be better than that. In fact, I think that the only thing that could BARELY disturb me is... (Pedestrian #1 walks by) Central Park Insult Man: (yelling) A MEAN-LOOKING DIRTY WHORE!!!! Pedestrian #1: What did you just say? Central Park Insult Man: Me? Nothing. I was just admiring the beautiful trees that surround our great Central Park. Pedestrian #1: Yeah, right. (walks away) Central Park Insult Man: Anyway...just another crazy gal. It's funny when you look at the sun. You seem to be able to see a ton of colors. Red, blue, green...just like every... (Pedestrian #2 walks by) Central Park Insult Man: (yelling) TOTAL POTHEAD!!!!!! Pedestrian #2: Hey man what's your problem? Can't I just walk around quietly? Central Park Insult Man: I should say what's YOUR problem. I didn't say a word. Maybe if you (yelling) QUIT CRACK OR HEROIN SOMEDAY, YOU'LL BE MORE AWARE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!! Pedestrian #2: There you go again! Now don't tell me you were looking at the birds or something like that. Central Park Insult Man: Well, guess what? I WAS LOOKING AT THE BIRDS! See? There's a blue jay flying up into that tree. Pedestrian #2: Man, go see a doctor, quick! (walks away) Central Park Insult Man: You know what? I AM A DOCTOR! And my diagnosis about you is: pure insanity! Boy, what's going on today? Why is everyone like that. Maybe because it's very hot today. The heat must be altering their mind, altering their minds like one of a... (Pedestrian #3 walks by) Central Park Insult Man: (yelling) NEGRO CAR STEALER AND CHILD RAPER! Pedestrian #3: What the hell are you saying. If I was carrying a gun I'd shoot you right there. Central Park Insult Man: Are you threatening me? If so, let me tell you I've got friends in high places that can throw you back in the cell you just got out. Pedestrian #3: I don't care! You'll pay for what you said. You'll pay VERY soon. (picks out a cell phone and dials a number while walking away.) Central Park Insult Man: If you think you look tough with that cell phone, think again, loser! God, maybe this is just a dream after all. (spots an attractive woman.) GOOD LORD! This gotta be a dream. (Pedestrian #4 walks by) Central Park Insult Man: TRAITOR! MISCARRIAGE EXPERT! GOSSIP! Pedestrian #4: See? I told you should've stayed with me. Central Park Insult Man: It's not my fault if you didn't want to follow me in my beliefs. Pedestrian #4: Anyway, you'll never be able to get rid of all those gay rumors that I started. (walks away while laughing sarcastically.) Central Park Insult Man: You can laugh, bitch! (A voice is calling the Central Park Insult Man) Voice: Hey, you freak! Apparently you got a problem with everyone? Central Park Insult Man: Who are you anyway? (a mean-looking biker covered with tattoos approaches) Black Snake: The name's Black Snake, and you messed with my friend. And I don't like it when people mess with my friends. Central Park Insult Man: What are you talking about? I never insulted anyone. I was just... Black Snake: SHUT UP! (grabs him by the collar) You know what I'm talking about! Central Park Insult Man: Not at all! I tell you, Mr. FREAK SHOW! You must be talking to the wrong person, you ANTICHRIST! Black Snake: You dare to insult me? You made your final mistake, bastard! (Black Snake throws Central Park Insult Man in a nearby bush and begins to beat him) (fade) Rate or review this sketch. |
