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Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond Celine Dion.....Ana Gasteyer Eminem.....Chris Parnell (main theme) Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. First of all, I apologize for the satanic curses that Mr. Mathers... Eminem: (angry, he interrupts Trebek) The name's Eminem, you mustachioed freak! Alex Trebek: I'm sorry about that. So, like I was saying, I apologize for the satanic curses that Mr. Eminem has been employing to insult our senior public. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Eminem has $-2300. Eminem: And don't even think I'm gonna pay you, bastards! Alex Trebek: I'd like to remind you that your winnings are for charities, not for your own usage. Celine Dion has $-1800. Celine Dion: I'm proud to be Canadian. Alex Trebek: Yes, hum, good for you. And finally, Sean Connery has $-6900. Sean Connery: We meet again, worthless scoundrel! Alex Trebek: Please, Mr. Connery, no more cursing. We already had enough. It's now time for Double Jeopardy and the categories are...Potent Potables, Circular Things...don't forget contestants that circular means round, Wars, Kinds Of Arts, Hide-And-Seek, Movies and finally, Super Heroes. Mr. Connery, you are in third place, so we'll start with you. Sean Connery: The day is mine! I'll take Movies for $400. Alex Trebek: (reads the clue) This 1962 movie starred famous secret agent James Bond. (no one answers) Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, you might wanna guess on this one. Sean Connery: Don't think I'm stupid, Trebek! You wouldn't know it either if you didn't have those little cards! Alex Trebek: Your attitude is depressing me. Unfortunately, Mr. Connery, the board is still yours so you may pick the next category. Celine Dion: Uh, excuse me, can I just say something? Alex Trebek: (confused) What is it, Mrs. Dion? Celine Dion: I'm proud to be Canadian. Alex Trebek: Are you just kidding or are you heavily disturbed? Eminem, why don't you pick? Eminem: (shouting) I want Wars 'cuz wars are fuuuun! Alex Trebek: This is insane. And for how much? Eminem: (shouting) I don't care! Any kinda dough will do! Alex Trebek: I wonder why I don't quit. Anyway Wars for $600. (reads the clue) "This 1939-1945 war is the second World War." (Eminem buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Eminem? Eminem: (shouting) Kill 'em all! Kill those jews! Alex Trebek: Wait a minute, did you say "kill those jews"? Are you talking about the Holocaust? Eminem: Of course I am! And that's my answer, what is the Holocaust war! Alex Trebek: No! But you were so close...I thought this whole stupidity thing would finally end... (Celine Dion buzzes in) Alex Trebek: Celine Dion? Celine Dion: I'm proud to be Canadian. Alex Trebek: All right already! We know! I'm proud to be Canadian too, but that doesn't mean I have to yell it everywhere. Let's just go on with the game. Sean Connery, you pick the next category. Sean Connery: Finally! I'll take Kinds 'o Farts for $200. Alex Trebek: The category is Kinds of Arts, not Kinds 'o Farts. Sean Connery: Don't try to fool me, you impetuous bastard! Alex Trebek: I must be dreaming, how can you people be so retarded? It's now time for Final Jeopardy, and the category today is...you know, this is too hard, I'll just invent one. How about your birthdate? Write your birthdate. (the thinking music starts) Alex Trebek: Any date will be accepted. For example, May 25th or December 7th. You can even lie to me if you wish. (music stops. Trebek goes to Celine Dion's podium) Alex Trebek: All right, time is up. Let's see how you screwed it all up. Celine Dion, your answer is... (picture of a Canadian flag) Alex Trebek: The Canadian flag. This is a desperate situation. And you wagered... (picture of a deer) Alex Trebek: A deer. You should be ashamed, Mrs. Dion. Celine Dion: (starts to sing My Heart Will Go On) Alex Trebek: STOP IT! Now let's see what Eminem wrote... (picture of a gun) Alex Trebek: A gun...don't know why you drew that...and you wagered... (picture of Trebek with a hole in the head) Alex Trebek: Me shot in the head. It's not very kind for me. Eminem: (shouting) Die sucker die! Alex Trebek: What did I say at the beginning about cursing? Now, Sean Connery, you answered... (the words Saucy Is A appears) Alex Trebek: Saucy Is A...I'm confused, I really don't know what to say...and you wagered... (the words Kind 'O Farts appears) Alex Trebek: Okay that's enough! Sean Connery: HA-HA! Admit it! I surprised you worthless peasant! Alex Trebek: I should stab you to death. Eminem: Yeah, why not? Alex Trebek: Shut up! (looking at the camera) Well that's it for today's show. I think the XFL was better for your mind. Good night. (screen fades) Rate or review this sketch. |
