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Mr. Puffer.....Horatio Sanz Female Student.....Rachel Dratch Cool Joe D.....Tom Cruise A-Mac.....Adam McKay Male Student.....Chris Kattan Principal.....Ana Gasteyer Black Student.....Jerry Minor [ open in a regular classroom with two green chalkboards ] [ students are murmuring before the start of class ] [ Mr. Puffer, a graying professor with thick glasses, enters the room ] Mr. Puffer: Alright folks, it's 10:30, so let's go ahead and get settled. This is Physics 1A here at West Valley College, and I am Mr. Jim Puffer... but y'all can call me Big Jimbo!!! [ busts out into uncontrollable laughter; students are not amused ] ... OK.. whoo! That was fun! [ points to writing on chalkboard ] Anyway... after class y'all are gonna hafta go get these books... "Fundamentals of Physics", "101 Physics Applications", and, of course, the book I wrote... Phatty Jim's Phizziks fo' Playaz! Yeeeayyh! [ makes "raise the roof" motions with his hands and laughs ] Male Student: (uneasy about professor's antics) Um.. Mr. Puffer, how much is all this gonna cost? Mr. Puffer: Glad you asked, du-u-ude. My forty years of physics expertise has been packed into this 500-page book [ holds up his publication ]... only $50! Female Student: Hmm, I guess it's a good price for a textbook these days... Male Student: Yeah... Mr. Puffer: So! We're done with all of that smack, now I think y'all peepz wanna do some learnin', coo? [ students look bewildered; one of them leaves the class ] Mr. Puffer: OK, my two teaching assistants are gonna show you guys some funny physics tricks... think of it as magic on the chalkboard! [ two teaching assistants enter the class; they're wearing 70s style sunglasses ] Cool Joe D: Yo, yo, yo, Cool Joe D in the house! A-Mac: Yo, straight up, A-Mac here kickin' it with Jimbo Puffz! Male Student: Good lord! You've gotta be kidding me! Cool Joe D: Yo, man, why you hatin'? Black Student: Dude, you guys are posers! A-Mac: Naaaw, dude, we legit, too legit to quit! Black Students: But both of you are white! And you came here 12 years too late! Mr. Puffer: Yo, don't hate on the Phyz-Dawgs! Female Student: The Phyz-what? Mr. Puffer: The Phyz-Dawgs! Ya know... [ writes out "Phyz-Dawgs" on the chalkboard, then underlines it, then circles it twice and puts stars around it ] [ Another two students leave the room ] Male Student: Hey, teach, I got a question. Mr. Puffer: And I have an answer! Unless of course you stump me, in which case I'll hafta hand over dat biz to da Phyz Dawgs! A-Mac: Yiiieeeaaa, we bad, we rad! [ strikes a goofy rap pose; Cool Joe D follows ] Mr. Puffer: Yeah, so what up? Male Student: Uhh... how old are you? Mr. Puffer: I'm sixty years old... I graduated from Mountain View Continuation High School in 1978... seems just like yesterday to me... groovin' to the sounds of Midnight Star and Rick James... Super freak! Super freak! Supa freeeeky, -yyyoww! [ laughts uncontrollably ] Female Student: You know what, this is a complete waste of my time! Good bye! [ leaves ] Mr. Puffer: Hey now, I know what you guys are thinking... Male Student: We haven't even started learning anything in this class! You're not teaching us anything! Mr. Puffer: You know what, there, home-dawg, I know what you're thinking... teachers ain't cool... back in high school, us students thought of just one thing... [ motions to the "Phyz-Dawgs"; Cool Joe D. flips a switch on the wall and Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" starts to play in the background, without lyrics ] Mr. Puffer: You see, we thought, we don't need no education. We hated those teachers, we hated the way they controlled our brains, you know. [ music grows louder, Mr. Puffer starts singing to the music; Cool Joe D and A-Mac move next to professor and start groovin' ] Mr. Puffer: "We don't need no education.." [ two students leave the class ] Mr. Puffer: "We don't need no thought control..." [ two more students leave] Mr. Puffer: "No dark sarcasm in the classroom..." Black Student: This is crap! [ slams his book down and leaves ] Mr. Puffer: "Teachers, leave our kids alone..." [ The rest of the students are gone by now ] A-Mac: "Hey!" Cool Joe D: "Teachers!" All three singers: "Leave them kids alone!" [ all three start to boogie out of control; Mr. Puffer repeatedly points to the ground and ceiling ] [ Suddenly, the music stops. The college principal is standing in the middle of the now-empty classroom, arms folded in disgust ] Principal: What is this crap? Mr. Puffer: Huh? Um... this is break time... you know, I give the kids a break once in awhile since my lectures can make them insane. Cool Joe D: "Insane in the membra-a-ne!" A-Mac: "Insane in the brain!" Principal: Enough! You two, get the hell out of here! Cool Joe D: Aw, snap! [ A-Mac and Cool Joe D leave the classroom ] Principal: I have received complaints from 15 of your students about your inability to stay on task and teach the class. I've heard nothing but crap, and I don't know why we even hired you! Mr. Puffer: Well, Miss Hainsey, here's the deal... if you let me continue teaching, I'll sell you this for $20. [ shows Principal a brick of weed ] Principal [ utterly shocked ] WHAT?! How dare you?! Mr. Puffer: They don't call me Mr. Puffer for nothing! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Principal: You're fired! Fired! Mr. Puffer: Come on, it's a discount! Principal: Don't push me, Jim. I can have you blacklisted from every teaching position in the country. Mr. Puffer: [ singing ] "Don't push me, cuz I'm close to tha... edge! I'm tryin' not to lose my head!" Principal: ENOUGH! Mr. Puffer: "Say what?" Principal: Get out of here before I call security! [ sketch ends as Mr. Puffer laughs uncontrollably ] Rate or review this sketch. |
