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Deborah Norville.....Tina Fey Tad.....Tom Cruise Calista Flockhart.....Rachel Dratch Courtney Cox.....Ana Gasteyer Robert Downey Jr.....Chris Kattan Prisoner.....Tracy Morgan Christian Slater.....Jimmy Fallon John Goodman.....Darrell Hammond Rosie O'Donnell.....Horatio Sanz John McCain.....Chris Parnell George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Arsenio Hall.....Jerry Minor Judge Judy.....Maya Rudolph [Open in on Deborah sitting in a chair with her co-host Tad next to her. A floral sign above them reads "Celebrity Shopping"] Deborh Norville: Hi! I'm Deborah Norville and this is my first very own show! [In a somewhat masculine voice] And it's about time if you know what I mean! [Giggles] It's wonderful to finally be on the E! network, because I just love this network! I mean Howard Stern is just so cute. Which reminds me, this is my new sidekick, Tad, say hello Tad! [Tad crosses his legs, then uncrosses them, then recrosses them and gives various poses] Oh isn't he just scrumptious! [Deborah reaches over and pinches Tad's cheek, then kisses him] I could just eat you up! Tad: Debbie! I am gay! You seem to forget! Deborh Norville: And so funny too! Well Tad and I checked in with many celebrities this week, and now we'll show you what they bought and where they bought it! What do you say Tad? Tad: Deborah, could we cool this down, my leather pants are starting to stick, if you know what I mean... Deborh Norville: Oh Tad you turn me on! [Fade into clip of Calista Flockhart shopping, Deborah approaches with a mic in her hand] Deborh Norville: Oh Callie! Wonderful to see you! Calista Flockhart: Callie? Where the hell did you come up with that? And who are you anyway? Deborh Norville: Oh Callie you're so funny! So what are you shopping for today, I see you're in the sock section, how interesting... Calista Flockhart: Well it's much easier to just slip a sock on over my body, then cut arm and leg holes. Deborh Norville: That's...disturbing Callie! You must be...really skinny! So who are you shopping with? Calista Flockhart: Oh, Courtney's around here somewhere! Deborh Norville: Really?! Courtney? Courtney? [Deborah begins to run down the aisle, looking for Courtney. Finally she finds Courtney hidden in a rack of men's briefs] Courtney! Hello! You're on E! Courtney Cox: [in a whisper to Calista] Calista, what did I say about exploiting our skinniness?! [In a cheery voice, to the camera] Hi! My character on "Friends" used to be fat! Deborh Norville: Well, let's see who Tad found shopping! [Fade to prison scene where Tad is with orange-clad Robert Downey Jr.] Tad: Oh I am here with Mr. Downey Jr! SO exciting! So what are you shopping for? Robert Downey Jr: Well...it's not exactly shopping. We just come in here and found our size prison uniform. Wanna help me find a large? [Pan over to box of orange prison uniforms] Tad: Oh Robbie you are so fabulous! Who are you shopping with? Christian Slater: [Walks into view of camera, wearing the familiar orange prison uniform] I'm helping him find his size, if that's what you mean. Tad: Oh Chris you are just as fabulous! Prisoner: [From offstage] FRESH MEAT! Come here boys, we got us a "happy" one! [Pan over to the prisoner who purposely drops the shirt in his hands, then says to Tad] Whoops, could you pick that up sweetheart? Tad: Okay...now let's go back to Deborah and...[Prisoner is unzipping his fly] Get me the hell out of here! [Fade into scene where Deborah is talking to John Goodman] Deborh Norville: I'm here at the "hefty men's" department of Wal-Mart, and you'll never guess who I found. [John Goodman walks into view] That's right, everyone's favorite fat comedian, John Goodman! John Goodman: I shop for big man's flannel here! You know what they say, more cush for the push! Deborh Norville: Oh John you're so jolly! So I heard you're shopping with one special person! John Goodman: Well, Rosie O'Donnell is in the hefty man's section somewhere! Deborh Norville: WOW! Rosie? Rosie? Rosie O'Donnell: [Comes onstage holding two very, very large flannel shirts] I found us matching outfits John! Men's XXXL! [Sees camera] Wow! I'm on TV, this is so neat! [Let's out a belch] Maybe I shouldn't have eaten Calista Flockhart in one bite like that! I'm feeling the rath of Ally now! Get the ex-lax and tums! John Goodman: I know what you mean! Courtney Cox is giving me some damn bad heartburn! Deborh Norville: [Moving away from the heavyset actors, then running away as she sees a Rosie lick her lips] Let's see who else Tad found! [Fade into scene with Tad in a hunting/fishing/sporting shop] Tad: I'm here at L.L. Bean's retail store with none other than...John McCain and George W. Bush...whoops, that's president George W. Bush! George W. Bush: Hey, John, his voice is higher than ours...that's funny! Tad: Mr. Bush, shouldn't you be running this country? George W. Bush: You said bush! [snicker snicker] John McCain: It's people like you that question the president's authority and IQ and ruin this country! People like you! Tad: [In a perplexed voice] Fashion designers? John McCain: Is that what you call yourselves now? George W. Bush: [Holding a shotgun and pretending to shoot Tad, then snickering] Ha ha! I got ya! John McCain: Good work, Georgie! Tad: What do you have against me? What is so different about me? [Twirls his bangs as he says this] John McCain: Well you're a..a..double-dolphin-flogger, an ass pirate, [Tad still looks confused] an anal intruder! A butt plug! For God's sake a HOMOSEXUAL!!! [Tad finally understands] Tad: Oh that, that's nothing, it's natural...let's go back to Deborah! [Fade into Deborah, who's at a second hand store] Deborh Norville: I'm here at Goodwill Second Hand Store, with one of America's most...most....washed up actors, Arsenio Hall! [Arsenio walks on with a hand full of second hand clothes, he drops the cloths, then waves at the camera] Deborh Norville: Wow Arsenio, you're doing a lot of shopping today, aren't you? Arsenio Hall: [Pulls out his wallet and shows a ‘Goodwill' membership card] See baby, this card gets me 20% off everything in the store! That makes me cool! Deborh Norville: Yes well... [interrupted as Judge Judy comes into view] Judge Judy! But you're not poor and out of work! Judge Judy: Yes...but I do love the deals I get here at the Goodwill, plus I get to see some of the people who were on my show. Like that guy over there, his girlfriend sued him for stealing her crack, and he coutersued for making him have sex in uncomfortable places. Deborh Norville: Like the back of a Volkswagen? Judge Judy: You watch too many movies. Arsenio Hall: I once had sex with a whor....girlfriend in the back of a Ford pickup, and this other time I had this slut...I mean ex-girlfriend on the floor of her bathroom. I've done it in some crazy places, Debbie! Deborh Norville: That's...just disgusting! Your life is sad! Arsenio Hall: Yeah, I know... Deborh Norville: Well that's all the time we have today, we'll see you next time on Celebrity Shopping! [Tad runs up, holding his rear in pain] Tad and Deborh Norville: Buh-bye and happy shopping! Tad: [to Deborah] Do you have any aspirin, I have some major pain right now! Rate or review this sketch. |
