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Alec Baldwin.....Darrell Hammond Bartender.....Tracy Morgan Tom Cruise.....Jimmy Fallon Macauley Culkin.....Chris Kattan Bruce Willis.....Tom Cruise Brooke Shields.....Maya Rudolph [ open on interior, Singles Bar, Alec Baldwin unloading his woes on the Bartender ] Alec Baldwin: Anyway, our marriage got pretty rough there in the end, you know? I mean it was bad, we were really fighting like "Cats & Dogs" - not to plug the new movie in which I portray the voice of a dog or anything.. I'm just saying.. Bartender: I understand, Slick. Looks like you could use a refill? Alec Baldwin: Hey, thanks.. [ the refill is poured; Tom Cruise enters the club and sits at the bar ] Well, look who's here! If it isn't my good friend Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise: Alec! [ sits down ] What brings you here tonight? Alec Baldwin: Same as you, my friend - looking for love. Tom Cruise: Oh, not me. It feels too much like "Risky Business" after what I've been through. Besides - I'm just separated! [ laughs maniacally ] Alec Baldwin: Well, Kim and I filed for divorce in January, and lemme tell ya.. I ain't giving her nothing! No car, no house.. I won't even give her a lousy, stinkin' "Two Bits"! Tom Cruise: Maybe I should have thought twice before I married Nicole - I mean, what was I thinking? She's three inches taller than me! [ laughs maniacally ] Not that she's that good looking anymore. It's gotten to the point where the only way I can stand to have sex with her is with "Eyes Wide Shut"! [ laughs ] Bartender? [ snaps fingers ] Can I get a "Cocktail"? Thanks! Voice Under Bar: [ hand raises to place empty glass on the counter ] I'll have a-nother, too, Bar-tender. Alec Baldwin: Hey, who's down there? Show yourself! Macauley Culkin: It's me.. [ climbs awkwardly onto the barstool ] ..Ma-cauley Cul-kin. Alec Baldwin: What brings you here, Macauley? I thought you'd be "Home Alone" tonight. Tom Cruise: Yeah. I thought you'd be "Home Alone 2"! [ laughs ] Macauley Culkin: My wife doesn't want me at home - not if I'm not ready to raise a family. Come on, guys.. I don't want to make the same mis-takes Michael Jack-son made. Alec Baldwin: Kid. Lidten to me - have a baby, but don't have sex with it. Simple. [ pause ] Slapping it around's okay, though. Macauley Culkin: I don't know.. di-vorce seems imm-i-nent.. Alec Baldwin: Well, that's good! To hell with her! You're here now, in a singles bar - it's time to find a little action! Macauley Culkin: I don't know.. Alec Baldwin: Sure, you know! Now, look at that woman over there! [ points across the bar ] Look at that body! I feel a little "Mercury Rising", don't you! Macauley Culkin: I guess.. Tom Cruise: Don't worry, Macauley, we won't let you go it alone! There's a score of women out there, and we're "A Few Good Men", so let's go mingle! Alec Baldwin: Don't rush him. There's plenty of other opportunities. If you want to avoid the obligatory small talk, and get straight to the dirty stuff, I saw a couple broads outside on the corner of "State and Main". I'll introduce you. Tom Cruise: "State and Main"? Really? Alec Baldwin: [ raises hand ] "Scout's Honor". Tom Cruise: I'll be right back! [ laughs maniacally, then walks to the door; returns just as quick ] Crap, there's a damn storm outside! I'm not going out in that rain, man! Alec Baldwin: Then we'll stay inside. [ Bruce Willis steps out of the dance crowd and appears at the bar ] Bruce Willis: Hey, how you boys doing! Alec? Macauley? Tom? [ light responses from the guys - "Doin' alright..", "Not bad..", etc. ] This is a great bar! I'm dancing with this chick - biggest hooters I ever seen. Let me tell ya, Daddy's hitting a home run tonight - I mean, I'm goin' "The Whole nine Yards", alright? Alec Baldwin: I'm with you, Bruce. In fact, after you're done with her, why don't you just throw her on my doorstep? Bruce Willis: I'll do that for you, really give you an edge, you know? Macauley, Tom, you boys in? Macauley Culkin: My wife will kill me.. Bruce Willis: Ah, don't worry about it, Shorty - a nice romp in the hay with some college girls, you won't be worryin' about that pain in the ass wife of yours. How about you, Tom? Tom Cruise: I think I'm just looking right now, no need to jump into anything.. Bruce Willis: no need to jump into anything?! Come on, Tom! Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman - the girls here aren't looking for a long-term committment. Give 'em a fake number, you'll be alright! Alec Baldwin: He's right, Tom. You've got to stop being "The Marrying Man". Tom Cruise: Ah.. I don't know what I want to do, guys.. I think I'm "Losin' It".. Bruce Willis: Look, there's a girl out there, she's a dental hygeniest, and she's got her eye on you. Mark my words, Tom, you come out there, you'll be in her bedroom tonight. I guarantee it - call it a "Sixth Sense". Tom Cruise: Well.. why not. A man's gotta move on with his life, after all. Getting laid might be a good thing. Bruce Willis: You said it, Tom! I mean, it's no big deal that we're all divorced or separated Hollywood actors - that's just our lifestyle. It's your story, it's your story, it's your story, it's my story - hell, it's "The Story Of Us"! [ the four actors toast one another, as Brooke Shields approaches the bar ] Brook Shields: Hey, you guys! How are you doing? This is a great bar! No mother, no husband.. do you any of you want to come home with me? [ the four actors leave their drinks on the bar, as they turn and walk away with light responses - "Gettin' late..", "Big day tomorrow..", "Single life ain't so bad..", etc. ] Brook Shields: [ to Bartender ] Is it me? Bartender: [ moves closer ] It's you, Boo. [ removes his apron and drapes it over the bar ] Say, turn these lights out when you through, I gotta get home to watch me some Russell Simmons. [ alone at the bar, Brooke finishes her drink ] [ slow fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
