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.....Tina Fey .....Jimmy Fallon James Cameron.....Will Ferrell .....Jessica Alba Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey." Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And here's this week's top stories. In our top story, just in time for the July 4th weekend, a settlement has been reached between the Maine Publicity Bureau and every other inhabitant of the state over how to treat tourists. In a compromise, signs at the borders will be changed to read (sign appears on monitor) "Welcome to Vacationland, You Goddamn Pains in the Ass". Stephen King suffered another blow in his quest for literary respectability today, when his guest lecture at Columbia, "Faulkner and Foucault: Voices of the Rural", was interrupted by an attack of giant carnivorous slug-zombies. (cartoon pic of large slug with red eyes) Eventually King and four other survivors were able to overcome monsters and self-doubt and destroy the evil clown who was the cause of the nightmarish plague, but the academic community is a fickle one, and UCLA and Yale have asked King to stay far, far away. At this year's Tony Awards, "The Producers" won twelve awards out of twelve nominations, setting a new broadway record. Co-star Matthew Broderick didn't win any Tony awards, but later mentioned that if he did win, it wouldn't change the fact that he doesn't own a car.
Tensions continue to rise in Louisiana this week, as New Orleans Saints owner Tom Benson struggles to secure a new stadium for his team. Benson says the New Orleans Superdome does not allow his team to generate the income they need to operate as a competitive team. You know, considering that the Saints haven't made it to the playoffs once in their 35 years of existence, Benson may be on to something here. If the state of Louisiana doesn't grant the Saints a new stadium before 2008, Benson has threatened to move his team to neighboring Mississippi. Residents of Mississippi, who recently voted to keep the Confederate flag, retorted, "That would be a neat trick, considering we don't allow black people within state lines." Tina Fey: This TV season produced many bombs, such as "Normal, Ohio"; "The Michael Richards Show"; and "The Geena Davis show". But there were a few hits, most notably the science-fiction series "Dark Angel". Here now to comment on the show's breakout success is the show's producer, Academy Award-winning director James Cameron. James Cameron: Thank you, Tina. Now I, James Cameron, who is still the KING OF THE WORLD, am proud to have made a show like Dark Angel. That show was truly the best new show to come out of this 2000-2001 season. It truly deserves an Emmy. And I deserve that Emmy because I made that terriffic show. I am truly the KING OF THE WORLD!!!!! But although I desreve most of the credit, there is still someone who deserves most of the remaining credit. And that person is the star of "Dark Angel", the wonderful Jessica Alba. A beautiful young lady who works hard, puts in long hours, and does her own stunts. And you have me to thank for choosing her because I am the KING OF THE WORLD!!!!! Now, I admit that although I deserve most of the credit, Jessica also deserves some of the remaining credit. I am so impressed by this phenomenal young lady that I intend to dump my fifth wife, Suzy Amis, and marry Jessica Alba- Tina Fey: Uh, James, I thought that Jessica was engaged to her co-star Michael Weatherly. James Cameron: Not a problem. Tina Fey: You're making Jessica Alba your sixth wife? And after that I think you're going to dump her for an even younger trophy wife. James Cameron: No! Not for a few years! At least until her butt starts to sag. But to tell you the truth, I, KING OF THE WORLD James Cameron, who was rightfully given the Academy Award for Best Director, Best Editor, and Best Picture for making the greatest movie in the world, which is, of course, "Titanic"- [ Jessica Alba enters ] Jessica Alba: What are you doing? James Cameron: Oh, well, I was just talking about how you are such a great actress- Jessica Alba: Yeah, and you like me so much that you want to marry me until you find some other trophy wife! And in fact, Titanic sucked! The only reason people went to see it was just to see Kate Winslet's boobs! James Cameron: That's not true! They also wanted to see Kate and Leo do the wild thing in a car! Jessica Alba: Whatever! You, James Cameron, are the scum of theworld! [ punches him out, and he falls to the floor ] In other news.. [ takes seat] In other news, James Cameron, the egomaniacal buttmunch, is out cold, the way he deserves to be. back to you, Tina. Tina Fey: Thank you. James Cameron and Jessica Alba, everybody. Saying communications technology poses risks as well as advantages, New York Gov. George Pataki signed a bill into law on Thursday banning the use of hand-held cellular phones while driving. As a compromise, New Yorkers who need to use their hands for communication while driving will still be allowed to give the middle finger to other drivers. Sister Marie Burgess, one of the last remaining Shakers, died this week at the age of 81. Delegates from the Quakers, the Flinchers, and the Folks Who Twitch One Foot Constantly attended the funeral. With her passing, only six Shakers remain alive: the Shakers, for those of you who don't know, are a peace-loving religious order who have vowed not to have sex until the Red Sox win a world series.
Jimmy Fallon: For "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. * Maine, Stephen King, Sister Marie jokes by Brian Rust. * "The Producers" joke, James Cameron commentary by Tony Dumont. * Bush glasses, New Orleans Saints, cell phones, John McCain jokes by Patrick Lonergan. Rate or review this sketch. |
