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Voiceover.....Maya Rudolph Martin Smith.....Will Ferrell Jason Murphy.....Tracy Morgan Karl Kudzu.....Jimmy Fallon Redneck.....Chris Parnell Cherokee.....Horatio Sanz [voiceover accompanying Crackerslave logo.] Voiceover: The following is a paid presentation of Crackerslave Incorporated. [Scene opens with Will Ferrell sitting at desk.] Martin Smith: Hi, I'm Martin Smith, president of Crackerslave. As you know, the Supreme Court announced that, as part of reparations for slavery, it is now United States law that all men of southern heritage, eighteen and up, must register for the enslavement draft. If their number is called, then they must pack up their pickup truck, and report to the home of their assigned African-American family to live with as a slave for one year. This is where Crackerslave Incorporated steps in. There have been a few problems with the enslavement of southerners. Needless to say, this new law is the cruelest twist of fate to befall the south since they cancelled "The Dukes of Hazzard". Being that many of our government officials are themselves southerners, this law has not been strictly enforced. We here at Crackerslave Incorporated will ensure that if your North Carolina hillbilly is dodging the draft, he will be gagged, beaten, and delivered directly to your home for a small fee. Just listen to one of our happy customers... Jason Murphy: I ordered my slave and a week later I got a letter from him saying that I should "kiss his rebel ass". That's when I called Crackerslave. [Smith voices over a reenactment featuring Jimmy Fallon as Karl Kudzu. Fallon has a mullet, handlebar mustache, and cowboy boots on.] Martin Smith: Two days later Karl Kudzu was found at a tractor pull in Kentucky, hooting and hollering, having the time of his life. That is when he was beaten and pepper sprayed by Crackerslave enforcers. [camera back on Jason Murphy] Jason Murphy: One day the UPS man delivered a big outhouse on my front porch, and I could hear someone singing a Travis Tritt song inside. I knew then that my slave had arrived. Now I've got my whiteboy slave! I tie him to the same tree as my Pit Bull. Together they share dog food and beer. Good old Karl is one hell of a slave. Thanks Crackerslave! Martin Smith: At times it is hard to distinguish a southerner from an Indiana hayseed. That's why our employees are taught how southern men look, act, and smell. Wal-Mart parking lots and NASCAR races are not always where we find our slaves on the run. Spots such as cockfights and flea markets are just as popular among enslavement draft dodgers. Once they are apprehended they will be electrocuted with a cattle prod, hog tied, and put in one of our Redneck Containment Units. [Clip of Chris Parnell yelling jibberish in southern accent. He is tied up and being pushed inside an outhouse on wheels. In big letters it is painted on the outhouse "CAUTION! ANGRY SOUTHERNER INSIDE!"] Martin Smith: They will then be shipped to your home ready to work. The outhouse that we package your slave in can also double as a slave quarters. If your slave refuses to work, you can call us back and we will happily help change their minds by use of physical force. All of our enforcers are Cherokee Indians, [Picture of Cherokee in security uniform punching Karl Kudzu in stomach.] who dislike southerners even more than you do. If you call now you will also receive a free copy of my book entitled... "You and Your Country Bumpkin Slave". [Smith holds up book] There is a complete and thorough list of things you can have your southerner do. Such as... [clips of each chore performed by Karl Kudzu are shown] pave your driveway, clean your house, help your kids with homework [on bottom of screen message appears "does not apply for slaves from Mississippi"], take out the trash, and much more! There are also touching stories of how African Americans develop a kind of friendship with their redneck slave. On occasion they begin to see their slave as a sort of pet. Not like a dog, but like a human looking sloth that drinks beer, eats grits, and is really, really racist. It is this simple... if you are an African-American and your slave won't serve you or is on the run somewhere, call us at 1-800-555-HICK. Or you can log on and visit our website. www.enslavethesouth.net. We look forward to hearing from you. I am Martin Smith... good night. Rate or review this sketch. |
