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Ross.....Will Ferrell Phoebe.....Cyndi Lauper Chandler.....Jimmy Fallon Monica.....Rachel Dratch Joey.....Chris Parnell Rachel.....Ana Gasteyer [ Music Over: "I'll Be There For You", Rembrandts - plays over edited "Friends" opening montage ] [ fade into interior, Central Perk coffeeshop - show five Friends minus Ross sitting on their usual couch that no one else in New York City seems to be allowed to sit on ] [ in background, Ross enters coffeeshop, looks around and appears surprised to see the other five Friends sitting on the couch ] Ross: Hey, guys! What are you doing here? [ they stare at him blankly ] Phoebe: We come here every day, Ross. Don't you remember, this is our place? Ross: Really? Right here. The only coffee shop in New york that doesn't allow black people? Chandler: That's why we come here, Ross, because we don't get along with black people. Ross: [ laughs ] Chandler, your sarcasm kills me every time! Chandler: I wasn't being sarcastic. Ross: Oh. Monica: [ takes envelope out of her purse ] Well, now that we're all here, I can show you the pictures from my honeymoon! [ everyone seems excited ] Chandler: Oh, my God, Monica.. when did you get married? Monica: Two months ago, Chandler. Don't you remember? You were there. You were the groom. Chandler: I'm married you you? Really? But I thought I was gay. Joey: Yeah, no kidding! I thought Chandler was married to me. Monica: Joey, he moved out of your apartment and into mine over two years ago, right before I kicked Rachel out. Rachel: Yep. And now I'm forced to live with Phoebe. Phoebe: Well, it's not like you couldn't have moved in with Ross, since you were married to him at the time. Ross: When was I married to Rachel? Rachel: You don't remember?! We got drunk in Las Vegas, and woke up together in the Honeymoon Suite! Luckily, we got a divorce! Ross: Huh! I must have blocked that memory out of my mind, because I don't remember being married to you. Rachel: You probably lost count after your first two wives! Ross: I've been married three times? Rachel: Yyeah, to a lesbian and an English woman! Ross: You're kidding. Monica: You don't remember any of your three wives? Ross: I guess the marriages were so boring, I just can't seem to remember anything about them. Joey: [ stands ] Well, I'd better get going. I've got an audition at 4 o'clock. Phoebe: What kind of audition? Joey: I'm up for the lead role in a play about David Copperfield. Phoebe: I don't want to jinx your chances, Joey, but I think David does all his own magic. Joey: [ sits ] Aw, man! I never get any roles! Phoebe: [ pulls out her guitar ] I feel a song coming on.. does anyone remember the words to "Smelly Cat"? Rachel: Oh, sweetie, none of us ever listen when you sing your songs. Phoebe: I know.. but neither do I, and now I don't know the words! Chandler: [ glances toward the window ] You ever get the feeling there's a whole other world out there, that life doesn't begin and end within this coffee shop? Monica: Like what, a clothing boutique or something? Chandler: Something like that. Have our lives become so routine, that all we can do with ourselves is drink coffee or hang around each other's apartments? And, considering that I don't know what any of us do for a living, how are we able to afford trendy apartments in New York City? Phoebe: I usually require my clients to keep their pants on while I massage them, so I can pick their pockets while they're in a relaxed state of mind! Chandler: [ looks around him ] Who are all these people? Monica: They're just coffee-drinking New Yorkers that we've never bothered getting to know, on account of our being so stuck-up. Chandler: No.. I mean, these people.. [ indicates the studio audience ] Why are they staring at us? What do they want from us? Ross: [ notices the audience ] It's like they're staring at us with great expectations.. like they expect us to earn their respect. Chandler: How long have we been coming to this coffee shop? Phoebe: Seven years. Chandler: Have we come close to earning anyone's respect? Ross: I-I-I.. don't even respect myself some days.. Rachel: [ raises hand ] Me, too.. there's days I don't respect you, either, Ross.. Monica: God, our life sucks! Nobody likes us! I can't deal with this!! [ starts to cry ] Chandler: Alright, calm down.. calm down. Nobody likes us, fine - we'll give them what they want. Let's just all leave, one at a time, and get on with our boring, monotonous lives. I'll go first. [ Chandler exits the coffeeshop. One by one, the others follow suit, until only Ross is left. ] Ross: [ turns before exiting the coffee shop, looks straight at the audience ] Thanks for being there for us.. you ungrateful bastards! [ exits ] [ sweep up on closing theme, fade out ] Rate or review this sketch. |
