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Superman ... Will Ferrell Wonder Woman ... Tina Fey Hawkman ... Chris Parnell Batman ... Darrell Hammond Robin ... Rachel Dratch The Flash ... Jimmy Fallon [Scene opens in an office. This is Superman's office, and he is sitting at his desk. He is looking over some papers. A giant red "S" logo sits on his wall, along with posters of Lois Lane, Lana Lang, and Anna Kournikova.] [A phone rings. Superman picks it up] Superman: Justice League of America. How may I direct your call? [pause] Yes, this is he. [pause] Terrorists, you say? How many? [pause] What time frame are we looking at? [pause] Okay, I'll dispatch someone right away. [pause] I'm sorry, I can't come myself, I'm doing job reviews today. [he hangs up] [Superman presses a red intercom button on his desk] Superman: Paging Wonder Woman, please come to my office. Paging Won-der Wo-man. [Wonder Woman enters the room. She is eating a sandwich.] Wonder Woman: What's up, Superman? Superman: I'm gonna need you to go out to Greece. Some terrorists there have taken over an airport, and the police need our help. Wonder Woman: But I'm on my lunch break! Superman: Look, WW, we have gone over this before. This is a 24 hour job, and you are getting paid to be available at all hours of the day. Pick up some lunch on the way. Wonder Woman: I can't take my invisible jet through the drive-thru! Superman: I'm not going to argue with you! Just go out to Greece and take care of the terrorists. I have things to do today. Wonder Woman: This sucks. [she leaves] [Superman resumes reading his papers. After 10 seconds he shouts out the corridor at her] Superman: I have super hearing you know!!!! I can hear what you call me!!!! [Hawkman knocks at the door] Hawkman: You wanted to see me? Superman: Ah yes, Hawkman, come on in. [He motions towards a chair] Have a seat. [He rustles through some papers and then puts on a pair of reading glasses] I wanted to talk to you about the job you are doing. Hawkman: Of course. Superman: Well, let's not beat around the bush here. I'm just gonna come right out and say it, no use stalling. Why exactly are you a superhero? Hawkman: You mean, why did I join the Justice League? Superman: No, I mean, why did we hire you? What do you do? Hawkman: [flustered] Well, Superman, I mean, I have been in the Justice League for over 25 years. Why is this coming up now? Superman: Just answer the question. What super powers do you have? Hawkman: Well, I can fly. [Points at his wings] See these? I fly like a hawk, something no ordinary man can do. Superman: Can you fly at super speed? Hawkman: Well, no. Superman: Are you immune to human weapons? Are you able to stop bullets? Hawkman: I wish! Superman: Do you have magical mind control abilities? Hawkman: Not that I know of. Superman: Can you communicate with nature? Are you able to summon hawks of the world to your side? Hawkman: Uh.... no. [smiling] That would be pretty cool, though. Superman: So let me see here, your [makes finger quotes] "super power" is that you can fly. Well, quite simply, I don't really think that qualifies anymore. Maybe fifty years ago it did. But today most super heroes can fly PLUS do other stuff. Hawkman: It's never mattered before! I've been a superhero for nearly three decades! Superman: Well, it matters now. You just don't fit in anymore. Hawkman: But that's not fair! Superman: Not fair? What about all the applicants we have turned down in the past five years. What about Neutron Man? He could fly, PLUS he could stop radiation. We rejected him, and he's now flipping burgers at the Burger Shack. Was that fair to him? Hawkman: [quickly thinking] Well, I am also dedicated to fighting crime. That should count for something. Superman: That can hardly be called a super power, now can it? Mitch Buchanan on Baywatch fought crime. And he was only a lifeguard. Hawkman: Wait a minute, I have more super powers than Batman or Robin! Superman: Hawkman, [explaining slowly] Batman has access to a magical utility belt. Magic is an equal to nearly any super power. And Robin is his longtime companion. They are a team. They have an arsenal of kick-ass vehicles, and they have magic. Something that you do not. [Batman and Robin enter the room] Batman: Ahh, Superman. Did I hear you mention my name? [Robin is silent. He is dreamily stroking Batman's arm] Superman: We were just talking about your utility belt. Batman: [reaching down to suggestively stroke his belt, smiling at Robin] Ahh, yes. This belt has gotten me out of many scrapes in my lifetime. I would hate to think what I would do without it. I would be pretty worthless to you without my magic belt, now wouldn't I? Robin: [to Batman] But I prefer you without it. [Batman and Superman chuckle. Robin strokes Batman's chest. Batman and Robin leave hand in hand.] Hawkman: [angrily] This is outrageous! I have fought crime along your side for a long time! We are a team! Why are you doing this to me? Superman: You have to realize that tough times call for cost cutting measures. It is my job, as CEO, to make this company more efficient; eliminate some extraneous costs. I want to talk to all of you and see what you contribute to the Justice League on a daily basis. Now, have you fought your arch rival lately? Hawkman: [sadly] I don't have an arch rival. [Superman writes this in his notes] Hawkman: Wait, what are you writing? Superman: Frankly, Hawkman, I can't see any reason why you are part of the prestigious Justice League of America. You have no super powers, save for flying, which most all of us can do anyway. You constantly slow us down, since you don't have super speed or a magical jet. You aren't even a minority, so you can't claim affirmative action like Apache Chief used to. Hawkman: What about the Flash? All he can do is run! [Superman presses the intercom button again] Superman: Flash, come here. [The Flash runs into the room] The Flash: Sorry it took me a few seconds. I ran from Antarctica. Superman: Flash, can you turn invisible? The Flash: Sure, if I run fast enough, my molecules start to vibrate and in essence, I become invisible. It's a lot of fun, and it tickles too. Superman: Can you run fast enough to reverse the Earth's rotation and turn time backwards? The Flash: Never tried, but in theory, yeah. Is this a dare? Superman: Never mind. What else do you contribute to the Justice League of America on a daily basis? The Flash: Well, I get us all into Epcot Center for 50% off because my brother works there. Superman: Thanks, Flash. That's all. [Flash runs out] Superman: [leaning back in his chair, he rests his hands behind his head] As you can see, you are clearly the weak link in our organization. I've made my decision. Hawkman, your services are no longer needed in the Justice League of America. Please clear out your cube by the end of the day. Hawkman: [standing up angrily] (bleep) you!!! Who the hell do you think you are?? You know what, I might just go over and join Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom. What do you think of that? I might get a chance to fight you myself! Superman: Don't make me laugh! Lex Luthor would laugh you right out of his office! His hiring practices are far more strict than ours. You have to have super powers, be super evil, and long for world domination. You hardly qualify. Hawkman: Listen buddy. From now on, YOU [points at Superman] are my arch rival. Superman: Thanks, but I only fight people with super powers. Hawkman: [seriously] I know martial arts, you know. You don't want to mess with me. Superman: [mockingly] Well, I had no idea that the mighty Hawkman was actually the Karate Kid! Who's your secret identity? Ralph Macchio? Hawkman: [pointing angrily at Superman] You haven't seen the last of me! I'll be back! You'll see me in your nightmares! Hawkman is gonna come back and stick it to you!! [He tears down Superman's Anna Kournikova poster from the wall] I'll have my revenge! I'm gonna fly over the Fortress of Solitude and poop all over it! [He runs out the door] Superman: [yelling at the door after him] Don't even think about severance pay! [noticing all the feathers on the chair] Yech, at least we won't have any more shedding around here. [He presses the intercom button] Superman: Someone please get Mitch Buchanan on the phone. We have a job opening and could use a super lifeguard. [Looking at the feathers] And someone please get me a dustbuster. [Scene ends with Superman sitting down and reading papers, the "Baywatch" theme playing in the background] Rate or review this sketch. |
