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Lloyd Heinrich ... Darrell Hammond Mary Heinrich ... Cyndi Lauper Tour guide ... Chris Parnell Hank, the chosen one ... Jerry Minor Jack ... Jimmy Fallon Klaus ... Will Ferrell [Scene opens with a shot of a rest stop along the highway. A big brown sign on the highway reads "Welcome to Idaho!" In smaller letters underneath it reads "Famous potatoes." There is a visitor's center at the rest stop. Inside the visitor's center, a lonely tour guide mans a desk. He is asleep, his face mashed down against the desk.] Lloyd Heinrich: (a German voice heard offscreen): Mary, ve are here! Come, qvickly! [A middle aged man rushes in, lifts his hands to the heavens in thanks, and collapses on the floor. He is weeping. His wife soon follows him inside.] Mary Heinrich: Thank you! Thank you, oh God! [They embrace each other, weeping with delight. The sleeping tour guide hears the noise and awakes groggily] Tour Guide: [sleepily and without interest] Welcome to Idaho. Home of potatoes, gemstones and mountains. Lloyd Heinrich: It is true! Ve haf made it! [His wife Mary walks over and gives the guide a big bearhug, startling him] Mary Heinrich: All our life ve haf vanted to come here, and now, ve are here! Lloyd Heinrich: Tell us about this Idaho! Tour Guide: [more awake now, but still without interest] Welcome to Idaho. Home of potatoes, gemstones and mountains. Lloyd and Mary [together] POTATOES!!! [They hug and giggle giddily] Lloyd Heinrich: Excuse me, did you say "and mountains?" Tour Guide: [remembering the line as he was taught] Um... potatoes, gemstones, AND mountains. Lloyd and Mary: [together] MOUNTAINS!!! [They hug and giggle again] Mary Heinrich: Surely ve haf found the Garden of Eden! Lloyd Heinrich: Please, tell us more! Tour Guide: Tell you more about what? Lloyd Heinrich: About this Idaho. Tell us more. Tell us all you know. Ve haf traveled a long way to come here, ve haf driven many miles. Ve vant to learn. Tour Guide: Um... [suspicious] why? Mary Heinrich: In our village, everyone vants to someday come to America. To come to Idaho. To see paradise! Tour Guide: Welllllll, if you are looking for something to do, you could drive to Nevada. Just head south about 3 hours, you can't miss it. Prostitution is legal there, you know [elbows Lloyd and smiles]. Lloyd Heinrich: [missed the joke] Vhat? Tour Guide: Uh, ok... Where are you folks from, exactly? Lloyd Heinrich: [Lifts his head to speak to the sky. Sentimental music plays in background] Ve come from a small town in Germany, named Wurstplatte. Every night as a child, ve vould hear stories about this Idaho, and how it vas created by God especially for us. This is our paradise. This is our Holy Land. Mary Heinrich: Ve have finished our pilgrimage. Lloyd Heinrich: Tell us about your state, vat can we do here? Tour Guide: Um... er... ah... I'm not exactly sure. Lloyd Heinrich: Vat do you mean? Are you not tourism expert? Tour Guide: Yes, but you must realize that no one ever comes here. To tell you the truth, um, no one has ever asked me what to do. We don't get a whole lot of visitors. [shrugs helplessly] Mary Heinrich: But this is the Holy Land. Surely many travelers come here seeking refuge! Tour Guide: Well, mainly we get people fleeing Montana. And we do get a whole lot of Aryan separationists. That's about it. Oh, and every so often we get a potato fetishist, but we try to ignore them [chuckle]. Lloyd Heinrich: Can you tell us Idaho history? Tour Guide: Uh, let's see here... [making it up] Idaho was admitted to the Union in, uh... 1402. In the 1700's, we had our first, um, monster truck rally. In 1971, we got our first McDonalds. In 2001, you fine folks came to visit. Mary Heinrich: That's it? Nothing else happened here? Tour Guide: Nope. Lloyd Heinrich: Wars? Tour Guide: Nah. Mary Heinrich: Famous Inventions? Tour Guide: Nope. Lloyd Heinrich: Famous people from Idaho? Tour Guide: Uh... Earl down at the Qwik-e-Mart is pretty well known. Mary Heinrich: Presidents? Tour Guide: Negative. Although President Hoover accidentally mentioned Idaho in a speech once. Lloyd Heinrich: Vat about the holy wars? The Crusades? Vhen vere they fought here? Tour Guide: Um... they weren't. Mary Heinrich: Ve came for the history! Ve came to see paradise! Tour Guide: Sorry, that's all the history we have. Lloyd Heinrich: Vas Jesus born here? Tour Guide: Nope. Lloyd and Mary: [big disappointed sigh] Ohhhh. Lloyd Heinrich: [very sad] Vell, I suppose ve must be leaving now. All this trip, a waste! Ve shall never find the Holy Land. Mary Heinrich: [dejected] Maybe God will do us a favor and strike us down right now. [They start to walk back to their car, heads down] Tour Guide: [Thinking quickly] But I'll tell you who WAS born here. [calls to a door in the back] Hank, get out here!! Hank: [another tour guide, walks in] Hey man, what's up your butt? [freezes when he sees tourists] Visitors! Tour Guide: Yes, I know, we had some last year too. It's ok, Hank. [to the Germans] Hank was born in Idaho in 1967. Lloyd and Mary: [together] Ooooohhhhhhh [The Heinrichs walk over and start touching him, worshipping him. Hank starts shrieking like a woman.] Lloyd Heinrich: The chosen one! He is a messenger from the heavens! Mary Heinrich: Ve vill follow you. Tell us vat to do. Hank: [Terrified shriek] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Jack: [third tour guide, emerges from the back room] Hank, cut out the screaming! I'm trying to sleep back here! [The Germans come rushing at him, he panics.] Sweet mother! [He retreats to the back room, slamming the door behind him. Hank runs to cower behind the tour guide.] Lloyd Heinrich: [excitedly to tour guide] Ve must live here! Ve must live near the chosen one! Vere are the houses? Tour Guide: [confused] Come again? Mary Heinrich: Ve vish to buy a house here. Ve vant to live in the Holy Land. Tour Guide: I'm sorry? I don't follow. You're saying you want to move here? To Idaho? Lloyd Heinrich: Ve vant to move here! Tour Guide: [pause] Why? Mary Heinrich: Do not you live here? Tour Guide: Of course not. No one does. Lloyd Heinrich: The chosen one! Does he live here? Hank: [shrieking again in terror behind the tour guide] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! Mary Heinrich: Ve haf vith us 300,000 American dollars. Ve vish to purchase a house. Hank: Lady, for fifty bucks you can get a condo. Lloyd Heinrich: [excitedly] The chosen one is commanding us to buy a condo! Ve shall do as you say! Hank: [whimpering] Please don't live by me. Tour Guide: [to Hank] Make them leave, tell them to go away! Hank: [catching on] My, uh, friends, what you must do is return home. [Speaking in a loud voice] Go back to your people. Tell them of what you have seen here. [Spreads his arms wide] Go forth and spread the word of Hank. Lloyd and Mary: [together] Yes, ve shall go home and spread your message. Tour Guide: But first! You will need to being back a souvenir from the Holy Land. To show all your dedication to your faith. [Looking around the room]. We have potato pens, potato clocks, bobble-head potatoes, potato-skin condoms... [He sees them looking in awe at Hank] Or this very special item... [reaches down and removes one of Hank's shoes] The shoe of the chosen one! Lloyd and Mary: [in awe] Ooh! Tour Guide: This is a once in a lifetime offer. You can have the shoe of the chosen one for 300,000 American dollars. Hank: [excitedly] I'll even throw the other one in for free! [Lloyd Heinrich whips out a briefcase full of cash. He lays it on the counter and exchanges it for a pair of nondescript black shoes.] Lloyd Heinrich: This is a dream! [A tear trickles down his face] Ve shall never forget the Holy Land. Ve shall go back to our people and speak of you. More of us shall come to Idaho, more vill come to worship! Mary Heinrich: You haf made us very happy. Ve love you! Ve vill return someday! Ve shall send our friends! [The Germans leave, each one clutching a shoe] Tour Guide: [waving goodbye] You folks do that. Send all your friends. [calls out the door after them.] We have lots of shoes! Hank: [calling loudly] Hank loves you! [They start to divide up the cash, snickering to each other.] Tour Guide: Hey chosen one, [pause] can I touch you? [starts imitating Hank's girlish screams] Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh! [They start laughing] [A message on the screen reads: 30 Minutes Later] [Tour Guide and Hank are still dividing up the money] Klaus: [off screen] Excuse me? [They turn and see a very tall German man, standing in the doorway. He is wearing all leather, with a shaved head and mirrored sunglasses. He speaks very loudly and exaggerates his syllables.] Tour Guide: Sir, if you are looking for the Aryan Nations compound, it is about a mile up the road. Klaus: Guten Morgen. I am Klaus. I am here from Germany. I seek the chosen one. My friend have told me he is here. Hank: Yes, my child. Are you in need of spiritual guidance? Or a shoe? Klaus: [tearing off his shirt] I have been sent by my people to have relations with the chosen one! We shall bathe in the afterglow of our sweet lovemaking! Afterwards, we shall unite our bodies in a ritualistic sacrifice with the holy scimitar! THE WALLS OF HEAVEN SHALL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR UNION! Hank: Uhhh.... [Hank and the tour guide look at each other, then they both bolt into the back room. They slam and lock the door. Terrified screams of "Help!!!!" eminate from behind the door] [Scene ends.] Rate or review this sketch. |
