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Matthew Lesko.....Will Ferrell Julie.....Cyndi Lauper Tammy.....Tina Fey Gary.....Jimmy Fallon LaKeyshawn.....Tracy Morgan Cop.....Jerry Minor Tyrell.....the actor who plays Dante Parker Matthew Lesko: (wearing a big green suit with question marks covering it; dorky glasses, really annoying voice) Hey there, I'm Matthew Lesko, and I can show you twelve thousand different government programs that can get you the money you want today! You can get money to start a business, or write your own novel, or get your G.E.D. or your Ph.D! [ cut to customer testimonial; Julie, a dikey-looking pudgy woman, is sitting on the front porch of her decrepit home with her life partner Tammy ] [ SUPER: Julie Konowalczuk - Las Vegas, NV ] Julie: If I can get money to start my own whorehouse, any woman can do it! Tammy: Julie's right. when we found out we could get $100,000 for supplies for our business, we were as grateful to Matthew as we were to each other at night! Julie: (pointing to sign on porch) And now that the "No Boys Allowed" Ladies' Club is enjoying unprecedented financial freedom, our employees have experimented with many kinky and unconventional sexual positions. Tammy knows what I mean about that. Tammy: Oh, Julie, you're so sweet! [ Tammy and Julie then start making out, and they fall off of the porch ] [ cut to another testimonial; this one is of Gary, who is speaking from a really dark room. His hair is all messed up, his eyes are wide open and he is sweating nervously ] [ SUPER: Gary Del Braggadocio - Bowie, MD ] Gary: [ speaking almost at a near-whisper ] I've always wanted to hack into confidential CIA databases and corrupt the system that has corrupted us all! But Matthew Lesko helped me get a new computer and found me a great program to drain the government of money. Matthew also pointed out that he's already looted the Feds' cash reserves of over one billion dollars for useless government programs like mine. [ puts face right in camera ] Save yourselves, America, before the Feds catch you! They have cameras, man, everywhere! They're always filming you! [ cut back to Matthew Lesko ] Matthew Lesko: Uh... you can ignore that one! [ cut to another testimonial, of LaKeyshawn Jones, who is wearing a battered Knicks jersey and a Raiders beanie ] [ SUPER: LaKeyshawn Jones - Bronx, NY ] LaKeyshawn: Yo, man, Matthew Lesko hook me up wit' some greens, baby! I ain't even met the guy until he walk up to me an' I almost kill the white bitch! Then he offer me some cash so I can acts like a real customer! [ reaches into pocket ] He also hook me up wit' this! [ pulls out a Ziploc bag full of angel dust ] He off da hook, boyyyyy! [ back to Matthew Lesko ] Matthew Lesko: If you can get the government to pay for anything you want, it's like being on vacation 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! If you want more information. [ suddenly, three FBI agents come in ] Cop: Freeze, Lesko! Washington PD! You're under arrest for fraud, income tax evasion, and soliciting a male prostitute! Matthew Lesko: What?! That's preposterous! [ to audience ] Don't worry folks, it happens all the time. [ back to Cop ] Aw, come on! I'm right in the middle of a commercial shoot here! I'll cut you a deal, OK? I'll give you my new book for free if you let me off this time. Cop: No! You have the right to remain silent! Matthew Lesko: (very quick voice) I can show you how to get more out of doing less. So call me! Cop: SHUT UP! [ show a video clip of a police van rolling into the city jail ] [ then cut to a jail cell with Julie, Tammy, LaKeyshawn, and Gary ] [ Julie and Tammy are still making out in the corner ] LaKeyshawn: Well, after I used Matthew Lesko's book to find me a government loan, I found out it was illegal, and they tossed me into the joint. They also took away my stash o'herbs. Gary: (nervously fiddling with his own shirt) Oh-h boy, there will definitely be hell to pay once they catch that conniving little flake! LaKeyshawn: You damn right, paranoid dude, cuz when he come up in here, I' m-a hand him ova to Tyrell. He gonna be someone's bitch. Then I'm-a kill him wit' my bare hands! [ suddenly, the guards bring in Matthew Lesko and toss him on the ground in the cell ] Matthew Lesko: Hey folks! So, has my book helped all of you? [ Tyrell walks in ] LaKeyshawn: Oh, it ain't helped us. but it gonna help you get yo ass whooped and raped four times faster! Yo Tyrell! Take this sack o'crap away! Tyrell: You about to get bitched, white boy. [ sketch ends as Tyrell drags Matthew Lesko off screen ] Rate or review this sketch. |
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