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Ivan Wackinof.....Jimmy Fallon George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Secretary.....Tina Fey Katherine Harris.....Ana Gasteyer [ Original Prank Stars logo appears; The Offspring's "Original Prankster" plays in background ] Announcer: It's time for Original Prank Stars... with your host, Ivan Wackinof! [ Ivan Wackinof enters studio and takes his seat behind the desk as audience applauds ] Ivan Wackinof: ...Hey whorebags, welcome back to Original Prank Stars, the program where we bring in a famous ignoramus. Then we make phony calls to people and make them want to bash our nuts in with a 2x4. Today, you viewers out there are in for a real treat. Our guest today just got back from a Middle-Eastern peace conference, or some crap like that. Who really gives a crap, man, save all that peace treaty B.S. for when you get in a real jam, like after you've been visited by a few interns. Then you can just run back to Jerusalem and act like nothing happened. That's why I'd say Clinton's the best president we've had in a long time! But I guess now we're gonna hafta settle for this dumb-ass... please welcome George W. Bush! [ George W. Bush walks onto set and sits down ] George W. Bush: Hey, dude, what's kickin? Ivan Wackinof: Nothing, nothing at all... I'm here bored scheistless because I haven't had a guest on the show in months that can actually do something besides talk in a goofy Texas accent and pretend to sound intelligent. George W. Bush: Hey, are we gonna bug the White House telephone line switcher lady person... Ivan Wackinof: You mean the switchboard operator? George W. Bush: Yeah, her... she's a bitch! Ivan Wackinof: Her name isn't Laura Bush, is it? [ audience makes an "Oooohh!" sound in response to the insult ] George W. Bush: She looked like one o'them Texas longhorn cattle, about 250 pounds, with Linda Tripp's face attached to it. Ivan Wackinof: Bam! That stings south of the Equator! Well, sorry to disappoint you, Mr. President, but we ain't callin' her. George W. Bush: [ throwing a temper tantrum ] I wanna call the White House telephone lady? It's not fair! Why can't we? Ivan Wackinof: Because you're gonna call up somebody better... Katherine Harris! George W. Bush: Who's that, she sounds like the wife of one o'them death row guys in Huntsville that was scheduled for next week Ivan Wackinof: No, no, you retard! Katherine Harris, the lady who's face got run over by a Greyhound Bus full of whores, then scraped up with a spatula and doused with a fire extinguisher full of makeup and mascara! George W. Bush: Well, that about describes all the wives of them prisoner dudes... Ivan Wackinof: NO! Listen! It's Katherine Harris, the Floridiot secretary of state who helped you win the election. George W. Bush: Oh yeah, her... why do we have to bug her? She's cool... after I got inaugur-ma-lated, she bought me one of them microwave-able egg things! Those are cool! [ snickers ] Ivan Wackinof: Alright, you're officially retarted!!! George W. Bush: [ cocky ] I know you are but what am I? Ivan Wackinof: Retarted! George W. Bush: Takes one to know one! Ivan Wackinof: Shut up! Let's get to the call here... [ Ivan dials the number and hands the phone to Dubya; Katherine's secretary answers; split screen between secretary and Dubya ] Secretary: Katherine Harris' office, this is Rhonda speaking. George W. Bush: Hey, Rhonda, this is Georgie. Secretary: Georgie? George W. Bush: Ya know, George W. Presidenté! Secretary: George W. Bush? George W. Bush: Yeah, that's me! Who did ya think it was? [ quickly pan over to Ivan, who throws his hands up in the air in disbelief, shaking his head ] Secretary: OK, please hold, it'll be about a minute. [ split screen disappears ] Ivan Wackinof: You idiot! Have you ever made a prank call before? You're not supposed to give out your real name! George W. Bush: I didn't think she would believe it was me! [ at that moment, return to a split screen of Dubya and Katherine Harris ] Katherine Harris: [ dolled out in trademark makeup and eye shadow ] Katherine Harris speaking. George W. Bush: Hey, it's George W. Bush here. You know, the guy who's the President now. Katherine Harris: Yeah, duh! So what's new? Do you like the Egg Wave I bought you? George W. Bush: It's cool, I made some omelets for those Israeli dudes last week. They didn't like it much though... Hey, Kathy, turn on UPN real quick! Katherine Harris: Why? George W. Bush: 'Cause I'm on this show right now about making phony phone calls to people that are ugly and stuff! [ snickers ] Katherine Harris: What?! [ hangs up the phone; return to George W. Bush and Ivan ] Ivan Wackinof: You are a doofus! You are by far the worst prank caller I've ever had! George W. Bush: Hmmph... [ folds his arms, raises his eyebrows, and squints at Ivan, sticking his tongue out at him ] [ cut back to Katherine Harris' office ] Katherine Harris: I wonder why I ever let that guy win the election... [ turns on TV ] [ the TV screen shows George W. Bush on the Original Prank Stars show ] George W. Bush: [ looks into camera ] Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!! Rate or review this sketch. |
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