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Mr.Glenn.....Will Ferrell Johnny.....Horatio Sanz Customer#1.....Rachel Dratch Customer#2.....Darrell Hammond Customer#3.....Chris Kattan Customer#4.....Ana Gasteyer Woman.....Maya Rudolph [ opens up in a Wal*Mart ] Mr. Glenn: Well Johnny,this is your first day on the job,I know you'll make Wal*Mart proud. Johnny: I don't know Mr.Glenn, I've never done this before Mr. Glenn: Oh don't sweat it,kid. I was nervous,too when I started working here. Johnny: How long ago was that? Mr. Glenn: About 27 years. Johnny: Geeze. I hope I don't stay here that long! Mr. Glenn: That just goes to show ya'...don't quit school. Johnny: Yes sir,but I'm still a little nervous,though. Mr. Glenn: I'll tell you what. Try and sell something,and if you have no luck, I'll come back to show you how it's done. Johnny: Well okay. [ customer walks up with an item ] Customer #1: Can you tell me how much this shovel is? Johnny: Eh. Crap if I know. Customer #1: You DO work here,don't you? Johnny: Yea, but this is my fist day. Customer #1: Can't you scan it for me? Johnny: Um...I would,but I don't know how to. Sorry dude. Customer #1: Okay...whatever. [ customer walks away. Mr.Glenn comes up ] Mr. Glenn: See,you got that all wrong! Johnny: I did? Mr. Glenn: Hell yea, you did! You gotta learn how to use this stuff. I'll show you later. But more importantly,you gotta learn to persuade the customer! Johnny: What do you mean? Mr. Glenn: Look. I've been here for 27 years. If annyone can show you..it's me. Watch and learn. [ customer walks up with item ] Customer #2: Hey. Mr. Glenn: Grass seed,huh? Customer #2: Yea. Mr. Glenn: You know,you'll need a shiny new lawn mower with that. Customer #2: I do? Mr. Glenn: Yea! You're gonna want to cut that beautiful grass with a pretty new mower. Customer #2: Yea, you're right! I guess I do need a new mower! Mr. Glenn: Alright. I suggest the Yard King. Customer #2: Okay. Mr. Glenn: Good choice. That'll be $457.50 [ customer hands him a credit card ] Thanks for shopping at Wal*Mart, I'll meet you in the back in a few minutes to help you get that mower. Customer #2: Yes, sir. [ he walks off ] Johnny: That's all there is to it? Mr. Glenn: That's all! Johnny: I can do this! No problem! Mr. Glenn: Okay! Well,I'm gonna get the customer his mower. I'll be back in a few minutes. Johnny: Yes, Mr.Glenn. [ Mr. Glenn walks off. Customer walks up with item ] Welcome to Wal*Mart. Hmm... Tampax,huh? For your wife? Customer #3: Yea. We just got married. Johnny: Oh, That's nice! ...But a heck of a time to tie the knot, ain't it? Customer #3: What? Johnny: Nothing. Tampax. Good choice. You know,You'll need a nice new lawn mower with that. Customer #3: A lawn mower? Why would I need a lawn mower? Johnny: Well, I figure you won't be doing anything else this weekend, so you might as well cut the grass. Customer #3: What?! You can't talk to people like that! Johnny: What? I only told you the truth! Paper or plastic? Customer #3: Neither! Where's your boss? Johnny: He's in the back selling a lawn mower to some dude. Customer #3: Look. Just tell me how much I owe you. Johnny: Oh...I guess about three dollars. Customer #3: How do you know that if you didn't scan it? Johnny: Oh, I don't. Customer #3: Whatever. Here's three dollars. I'm leaving! Johnny: Thanks for shopping at- Customer #3: Screw you! Johnny: Right. Mr. Glenn: I saw that. Johnny: Sorry Mr. Glenn. I couldn't sell that guy a lawn mower, but I will the next! Mr. Glenn: No, you've got it ass-backwards! Remember what I told you! I want to see some action! Johnny: Okay. Sorry, sir. Mr. Glenn: Here comes another customer. Do what I told you and remember...ACTION! Johnny: Alright. [ customer walks up with item ] Hey. Customer #4: Hello. [ he tries to swipe the item over the counter ] Johnny: Dang, it won't work. [ he looks at the item and turns on the intercom ] Price check on Vagasil! Price check on Vagasil! V-A-G-A-S-I-L! Customer #4: Is that really necessary? Johnny: Yep. I need to know how much the Vagasil is. Price check on Vagasil...Vagasil...price check on Vagasil![ he turns intercom off ] Customer #4: Why don't you just try scanning it again? Johnny: Well,I really don't know how to use the darn thing in the first place. Customer #4: Well, Look at the price and type it in the register! Johnny: Woa! You can do that?! Customer #4: Well yea! Johnny: Awesome!! ...How? [ Mr.Glenn walks up ] Mr. Glenn: Do you need help over here,Johnny? Johnny: Yea,Ineed to know how much this Vagasil is. Mr. Glenn: Look at the price on the box. Johnny: Oh, that'll be $3.99. Mr. Glenn: Plus tax,Johnny. Johnny: Oh... I guess about $4.99. Mr. Glenn: No! Type it in the register! Johnny: Um... Mr. Glenn: Don't tell me you don't know how to do that, either! Johnny: Sorry dude. Customer #4: Can I please know how much I owe so I can leave? Johnny: Shut your trap, lady! I'm talkin' to my boss! Customer #4: What?! Mr. Glenn: I'm sorry! He didn't mean that! Customer #4: Forget it, I'm leaving!!! [ she leaves ] Mr. Glenn: I can't believe this! You're unexperienced, and you don't know how to talk to customers! What even posessed me to hire you in the first place? Johnny: I don't know. Sorry dude. Mr. Glenn: Look. You're fired. Give me your apron and get your ass out now! [ Johnny gives him his apron ] Johnny: What? C'mon! Mr. Glenn: You heard me,now go! Johnny: But I can't pay my rent. I'm kinda poor, and it'll suck if I get kicked out of the projects. Mr. Glenn: Good! You belong on the streets! Johnny: Man, dude! You suck! Mr. Glenn: No, you suck! Now for the last time...LEAVE! Johnny: I would but I don't know where the doors are. Mr. Glenn: You idiot, They're right there in front of you! Johnny: Oh. Sorry. [ he walks off set. Mr. Glenn keeps his eyes on him ] Mr. Glenn: That's the entrance door, dumb ass! Johnny: Oh, heck. How do I get out, then? Mr. Glenn: Go through the exit! The exit doors! Johnny: Oh!!! Here they are! [ you can hear the doors slide open ] WOAAA!! Awesome! They slide open! That's tight! [ he exits the building ] Mr. Glenn: GEEZE! What a freaking idiot! [ he goes back to what he was doing. ] [ Suddenly you hear a big crash and screeching tires. A woman runs into the store ] Woman: Somebody help! Some guy just got hit by a car!! Call 911!! Mr. Glenn: Son of a bith!!!! [ throws apron on the floor ] [ fades to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
