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Moderator ... Will Ferrell Steven Spielberg ... Jimmy Fallon Dr. Nikolai Romanov ... Arnold Schwarzenegger Dr. Helen White ... Ana Gasteyer Jose Sanchez ... Horatio Sanz Dr. Clark Devereaux ... Chris Parnell [Scene opens on a TV Studio. Six members of the American Film Institute are sitting in chairs, in a semicircle. They are filming a TV show] [Classical music intro plays] Moderator: Hello to our television audience, and welcome, to the American Film Institute's presentation of the Top 100 films of all time. As you all know, the AFI stands for excellence in the achievement of film quality. We have assembled an expert panel this afternoon, and you are invited to sit back, watch, and see how we came to the reasons for our selections. Going around the room, we have [motions to Arnold's character] noted Russian film scholar, Dr. Nikolai Romanov, [motions to Ana's character], dean of film studies at Vanderbilt University, Dr. Helen White, [points to Horatio's character] President of the Latin America Director's Guild, Mr. Jose Sanchez, [motions to Chris's character] from the Feldman Academy of film, Dr. Clark Devereaux, and [nodding to Jimmy's character] heralded American director and producer, Mr. Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg: It's good to be here. Thank you for inviting me. Moderator: All five of our panelists were asked to come up with a list for their top one hundred movies. They have had a year to work on these lists, and we are here today to enjoy spirited debate, and come up with our final list, from 1 to 100. Now, I suppose we should just jump right in with both feet and start with our number one choices. Dr. Romanov? Dr. Romanov: [very heavy Russian accent] Well, obviously this list was difficult to come up with, but I never had any question that my number one choice should be [holds up a large card with "Citizen Kane" written on it] Citizen Kane. There really was no other choice. Dr. White: I have taught film for over thirty years, and I often include a lecture I call "Citizen Kane: The Best Film Ever." So my choice would also be [holds up a large card with "Citizen Kane" on it] "Citizen Kane." Jose Sanchez: [holding up a "Citizen Kane" card] I can't think of any other films that are even close, with the exception of maybe "The Godfather" or "Gone with the Wind." This is a no brainer. It is, well... the "Citizen Kane" of movies. [entire group chuckles at the joke] Dr. Devereaux: Well, I hate to throw a little dissention into the mix, but I think a little debate is always healthy in matters such as these. I chose a film that I think stands as an equal to Citizen Kane in all regards: [holds up a card which reads "The Goonies."] The Goonies. [Stunned silence among the group and they stare at Dr. Devereaux's card, waiting to see if he is kidding] Moderator: Dr. Devereaux, I hardly think that a movie from the 1980's can be properly compared with classics from the 1940's and 50's. Surely you are playing some sort of ruse upon us? [entire group chuckles, thinking this is a joke] Steven Spielberg: [wiping his eyes from chuckling so hard] Ohhhh. Whew! That was a good one, anyway, my top choice is along the lines of everyone else and... Dr. Devereaux: [interrupting] No, I'm not kidding. The Goonies is my top choice. It's the best film ever made. Jose Sanchez: Compared to what? Dr. Romanov: There's no way you can compare the Goonies to Citizen Kane! Moderator: [a little off his game] Well as you can see at home, our initial choices consisted of 4 votes for Citizen Kane and.... uh.... Mr. Spielberg, I am assuming you were going to say that... and one vote for the... uh... Goonies. Since there was no consensus, the panelists will now defend their choice and try to gain a unanimous opinion. Dr. Romanov? Dr. Romanov: I really don't think I have to defend my choice. I want to hear the Goonies guy talk. [Panelists agree in unison] Moderator: At Dr. Romanov's request, the Goonies guy how has the floor. Dr. Devereaux [flummoxed]: What is wrong with you people? How can you not be moved by the plight of the Goonies? They risked their lives! They found pirates! They took the oath! For God's sake, they saved the Goon Docks!! Dr. White: Dr. Devereaux, while I too was most amused at the adventures of the plucky youngsters, I was also moved by many other films. Let me reiterate, MANY OTHER FILMS. There were others before, and better, that dealt with such adventure. Jose Sanchez: While I myself have not seen the film, I have it on good authority that it is not a particularly great picture. There was nothing revolutionary in regards to plot, lighting, foreshadowing, such as found in the great Citizen Kane. Dr. Devereaux: That's your opinion, jagoff. Moderator [caught off guard]: Excuse me? Did you just call Mr. Sanchez a "jagoff?" Dr. Devereaux: [defiantly] No. Dr. White did. Dr. White: [angrily] I most certainly did not! I have NEVER called anyone a jagoff. And if I did, it would probably be Dr. Devereaux. Steven Spielberg: If I may make a point here... [to Dr. Devereaux] Look, the Goonies is not a good movie. If I may be so blunt, it sucks. Dr. Devereaux: Citizen Kane sucks! Saving Private Ryan sucked! You suck! Steven Spielberg: Look, buddy. I WROTE the Goonies. I PRODUCED the film. I was on the set every freaking day. It just didn't turn out like I had planned, and, for lack of a better term, sucked. Dr. Devereaux: Well I think Citizen Kane sucks. It is in black and white and doesn't have any pirates in it. I could have made a better film than that piece of crap. Moderator: [trying to regain control] The criticism has been made that Citizen Kane has no pirates in it. Does someone wish to rebut this? Dr. Romanov: It is the most influential film of all time! No film made in the next forty years was not touched by its presence! This is preposterous! I move to strike Dr. Devereaux's choice from consideration. Dr. Devereaux: I move to strike Citizen Kane from consideration! If my top choice gets vetoed, every else's should too! Moderator: We can't veto Citizen Kane! Dr. Devereaux: Well I'm not backing down from the Goonies. If Citizen Kane stays, the Goonies stays. Eat me. Moderator: I find your choice of language to be highly inappropriate for this forum, Dr. Devereaux. Remember, this is the American Film Institute. This is not the Goon Docks. Dr. Devereaux: Suck it. Dr. White: Just veto all the top choices! If it will get him to shut up. [Entire panel agrees] Moderator: [exasperated] Fine. Citizen Kane is now banned from the top 100, as is The Goonies. Everyone happy? Jose Sanchez: [leaning over towards Dr. Devereaux's list to look at it] May I ask, Dr. Devereaux, what your #2 choice is? Please tell me it is Citizen Kane. Dr. Devereaux: [covering his paper like a little kid covering his test in school] No peeking! Don't copy off me! Jose Sanchez: C'mon, just tell us what it is. Dr. Devereaux: First you have to do the Truffle Shuffle. Moderator: Mr. Sanchez is a highly respected member of the Latin American film community. He is not going to do the "Truffle Shuffle", Dr. Devereaux. I have banned the Goonies from this forum, let me now also ban all references TO the Goonies. Okay? Steven Spielberg: [grabbing Dr. Devereaux's paper] His #2 choice is Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter! Dr. White: Oh puhhhlease! Dr. Romanov: What is wrong with you, man? Jose Sanchez: Now this is just getting ridiculous! Dr. Devereaux: Screw all of you! You are just ganging up on me!! What do you all have listed? Citizen Kane 2? Moderator: Dr. Devereaux, let me remind you that there is no Citizen Kane 2. And let me be the first to ask this question: Are you retarded? Steven Spielberg: I move to veto all second choices from the list! Moderator: I'm one step ahead of you, Mr. Spielberg. All 3rd, 4th and 5th choices have been vetoed as well. Dr. Romanov: I just lost the Godfather! Dr. White: And I lost Casablanca! Dr. Devereaux: I lost Meatballs 4 and Bordello of Blood! Moderator: Um... Dr. Devereaux, let me see your list. Dr. Devereaux: No! Make me. Jagoff. Moderator: Dr. Romanov? [Dr. Romanov stands up. He is a hulking figure.] Dr. Romanov: I suggest you give the man your list. Or when I get done with you, you will be uglier than Mama Fratelli. Dr. Devereaux: [whining] Hey, that guy said no more Goonies references! [Dr. Romanov holds out his hand. Dr. Devereaux hands over his list and sulks] Dr. White: Where is this guy from, anyway? What the hell is the "Feldman Academy of Film?" Dr. Romanov: [reading off the list] License to Drive, Gremlins, The Lost Boys, Stand By Me... Hey, these are all Corey Feldman movies! Moderator: I believe it goes without saying that no Corey Feldman movie will ever make the AFI list of 100 Greatest Films. Do I make myself clear, Dr. Devereaux? Ever! Dr. Devereaux: [whining] But he's dreamy! Steven Spielberg: Wait a minute, I think I know who this guy is. I keep in touch with Corey Feldman. He has mentioned several times before about a creepy guy who is obsessed with him. I bet this is the guy! Dr. Devereaux: Corey doesn't understand! I just want to love him! Moderator: All Corey Feldman films are hereby banned from the final list. Dr. Devereaux: [lets out a primal scream of pure pain and anguish] Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! [This goes on for 15 seconds, then he collapses to the floor in silence] Jose Sanchez: Uh... what do we do now? Dr. White: Is he dead? Moderator: I... I don't think so. [We hear the trembling voice of Dr. Devereaux as he rises to his feet. He clutches a picture of Corey Feldman and he speaks to it.] Dr. Devereaux: [his voice tinged with sadness] Corey, I tried. I tried so very hard to finish your mission. You were almost the most revered actor in the history of film. We almost had it. Power, glory, prestige! We could have been together forever! But now, nothing! It is my fault you were banned! I have failed you! You have no more use for this soldier! My life for you!!!! [He sees a window along the wall and plunges through it, falling out of the building. He screams and is abruptly silent when he hits the ground outside.] Dr. White: NOW is he dead? Moderator: Not even close. We're on the ground floor. He probably ended up in some bushes. Well [long pause] where were we? Jose Sanchez: Has "The Graduate" been banned yet? Moderator: No, that one's still cool. Is that your #6 choice? [scene ends] Rate or review this sketch. |
