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INT. SUBURBAN DINING ROOM - DAY A nude FEMALE HUMAN sits at a table drinking coffee. She has the coffee cup right next to her mouth all the time, enababling her arms to hide most of her breasts. A nude MALE HUMAN walks in. His private parts are hidden behind the table. MALE HUMAN Morning, honey. FEMALE HUMAN Hello dear. How did you just sleep last night? MALE HUMAN Alright, I guess. Although I'm sick and tired of hearing those lions mating all the time. They're like wild animals over there. INT. A CAGE IN THE ZOO - DAY The Male Human walks out and grabs a newspaper lying on the floor of the cage. Across from their cage are some MEERKATS. They stare at him. MALE HUMAN (to meerkats) Morning. As the Male Human walks back, a LION (in the cage next door) roars at him. MALE HUMAN (CONT'D) (sarcastically to Lion) Morning, Leo. Sleep good. Should of. The Lion roars again at him as the Male Human walks back inside. INT. SUBURBAN DINING ROOM MALE HUMAN (looking at newspaper) You know for once I'd like to read the Wall Street Journal or the New York Post instead of this stupid weekly zoo gazette. Like I care about the new lemur exhibit. Just what we need more dumb animals. The Male Human sits down at the table. FEMALE HUMAN You're the one who wanted to live here. MALE HUMAN Oh, it was just an excuse to walk around naked. FEMALE HUMAN Hey, when you were out there, did you notice any of the animals eating already? MALE HUMAN No. Why? FEMALE HUMAN Well I thought they were moving the feeding times one hour earlier. MALE HUMAN I haven't heard anything about that. They never give ya' anything good anyway. FEMALE HUMAN I just hope they don't mess up our dinner with the snakes. That mouse was not good. MALE HUMAN Let's see what they're serving today. The Male Human goes through some pages in the newspaper until he gets to the lunch menu. MALE HUMAN (cont'd) (slowly reading from newspaper) Corndog...chili flavored french fries...peas...fresh green toss salad...ooey gooey cupcake...and chocolate milk. FEMALE HUMAN (sarcastically) Oooh! MALE HUMAN (reading from newspaper) Have a great day. INT. ZOO KITCHEN - DAY A CHEF is there with a dead mouse on his chopping board. CHEF (to camera) Hello. I've been the head chef around here at the zoo for the last five years and I've enjoyed it immensely. But before I came here, I worked at a school cafeteria, a place where ridicule and scoff ran frequently. ÒI wonder what's in the mystery meat today? Probably stuff out of the bathroomÓ was one of the more recurring ones I heard and I take great offense to that. I cared about those children and wanted to make sure that they got a good solid lunch before they continued on with their educational studies. I prepared every single meal for those kids, emphasizing all of the basic food groups. But yet, my work was a mockery. He begins to tear up. CHEF (CONT'D) I remember when a little boy and his friend were in the lunch line. They gave me their tickets and I've gave them their lunch. And as soon as they got it, they walked over the garbage cans and threw them both away; ran off to recess. Didn't even look at them. And that's hurts. The time and the effort I took to make those for them, thrown away like a piece of rubbish. I mean...I thought the kids would like sloppy joes. I even gave em' strawberry milk as a little treat. But it didn't matter. They didn't care. Playing thetherball was more important. (really breaking up now) Little kids can be so cruel. He wipes the tears from his eyes and settles down. CHEF (CONT'D) That's why I left the school cafeteria industry and I went here to the zoo. The animals can't wait to eat my food. They love it. In fact, they always want more. And that makes me feel good; to actually feel appreciated for what I do. Unlike those stupid little kids. The chef chops the mouse's head off. INT. THE HUMAN'S CAGE - DAY The two nude humans sit on the floor. The Male Human picks bugs off the Female Human, as would monkeys. Outside the cage are a bunch of SHABBY MEN in trenchcoats. Some take pictures while some do things inside their trenchcoats. INT. GREY BLACKDROP IN STUDIO - DAY An ELEPHANT talks to an offscreen reporter. Since the elephant wants to remain anonymous, all we see is the black figure of him, though we can tell he is an elephant due to the ears, trunk, and tusks. ELEPHANT (VO) You're asking me how I feel about the inclusion of humans here at the zoo? Well I think the whole thing's awful. I mean what do we need humans for? You can see them anywhere. Zoos are for people to see animals that you don't normally see everyday. That's why they don't have cows and pigs and dogs in the zoo. You can see them anywhere. On the other hand, you don't always see a kinkajou or a red-spotted newt. I think this move by the zoo is gutless. Gutless! What's next? Primates sold in stores? INT. CHIMPIONS PRIMATE WHEREHOUSE - DAY MAN and WOMAN go into something similar to a carpet wherehouse, or something like that, where they are met by an EMPLOYEE. EMPLOYEE Ah...welcome to Chimpions, your primate wherehouse. What can I do for you? MAN Well our pet monkey died recently and we were thinking of getting another one. EMPLOYEE What another dead one? MAN No, no, no. An alive one. EMPLOYEE Oh, I was gonna say. I would of gave ya' five. WOMAN No we want a regular living breathing primate that's healthy and... EMPLOYEE Well let me just say that none of our animals are all that healthy. I mean when you take them out of their environment, they're not going to be in as good of shape as they would be back in their natural homes. Plus some of them do drugs, you know, so that doesn't help them much either. MAN I see. EMPLOYEE What kind of primate are you looking for? MAN Well we're not that sure yet. Our last one was a marmoset and he was good. EMPLOYEE Well we accidently vaccumed up our last marmoset last week. Them being so small, you know. We do, however, have a mouse lemur if you'd like. MAN No. I think we want something bigger this time. EMPLOYEE Like a gorilla? MAN Well no, not exactly. EMPLOYEE Cus I could order one straight away. We don't keep them here in the showroom. Their dung's too big. MAN That's quite alright. EMPLOYEE Orangutan? MAN No. I don't think we want anything that big. EMPLOYEE They're very smart. Our closest living relatives, you know. MAN Yes but aren't orangutans a lot of maintenance? EMPLOYEE For Christ's sake, it's a giant ape! What do you think? MAN That's what we thought. WOMAN What about gibbons? Do you have any of those? EMPLOYEE I believe we do we a male in stock. WOMAN What do you think, honey? You like gibbons. EMPLOYEE Eh...I don't know. Ted and Diane had a gibbon, remember? They ended up eating it. WOMAN That's true. What about a mandrill? EMPLOYEE Barbara Mandrell? MAN No. Not Barbara Mandrell! EMPLOYEE She is a primate. I could ship her in from Branson. Be here in a couple of days. MAN No thank you. EMPLOYEE And for an extra twenty-five dollars, I'll throw in Conway Twitty as a companion piece. Just think of the duets. MAN Never mind. Let's go honey. EMPLOYEE How bout a nice sheep? They're not primates, but you can make sweaters out of them. WOMAN No thank you. The Man and Woman start to walk away. EMPLOYEE Okay, how bout this? A triceratops! We've got the only living one right in our storeroom. Only five million dollars plus tax. Play horseshoes! Cut to DR. ARNOFF PROBINCINSKEY in his home office. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: DR. ARNOFF PROBINCINSKEY DR. ARNOFF Ah...I just like to clarify that a triceratops in not a primate but an extinct repitilian creature. Also, though it wasn't mentioned, a llama is also not a primate. And the same goes for wildebeast and chipmunks and raccoons and salamanders and tasmanian devils and George W. and bandicoots and... (to someone off screen) What? (to screen) Ah...I've just been informed that a bandicoot is a primate... (to someone off screen) What? Oh. (to screen) Erase that. What I meant to say was that George W. Bush was a primate, not a bandicoot. (to someone off screen) What? I see. (to screen) They've just told me I should clarify that when I said that George W. Bush was a primate, not a bandicoot, what I meant was that George W. Bush was a primate and that a bandicoot was not a primate. I never meant to imply that George W. Bush was a bandicoot. He is a primate, though he is quite a lower one. Anyway. Now that we got that little mix up out of the way, here are some more animals that are not primates: dogs, that's all species, including the chow; meerkats; owls; penguins; caterpillars; Siberian tigers; oranges... VOICE-OVER Due to the tiresome monologue of Dr. Arnoff Probincinskey, we here at Saturday Night You have decided to move on to another, more delectable, sketch. DR. ARNOFF ...baboons. Wait! That's not right. He gets cut off as we go to someone else's sketch. Rate or review this sketch. |
