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Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond .....Tracy Morgan Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer [A bumper comes up with the Presidential seal.Then, the Presidential seal disappears and is replaced with a piece of white lined paper that had scribbled on with crayons so it now reads "The Bill Clinton Show". Neil Young's "Rocking in the Free World" is playing. The bumper disappears and we see Bill Clinton sitting in his basement in an old leather chair, wearing sweat pants and a Yankees shirt. He's holding a bottle of Budweiser beer. There is an electric keyboard in front of him. There is a "Rec" sign on the screen, signifying an amateur attempt at a television show] Bill Clinton: Welcome to the Bill Clinton show, where I'm still in charge! [Chuckles, then bites his lip] and where I always feel your pain! [Laughs some more and takes a swig of beer. He empties the bottle, then tosses it behind him] Did y'all see the news? Katherine Harris is going to run for Congress in 2002! [He picks up an index card and reads from it] I didn't know hookers were allowed to run! [He pushes a button on his keyboard and a laugh track plays. Then he throws the index card behind him, pushes another button on his keyboard and we hear glass shattering] I picked up that trick from David Letterman, great friend of mine! [Chuckles] Well folks, now it's time for the top ten list! Today: The Top Ten Things I Learned While in Office! [Pushes a button on his keyboard which plays a clap track] Ten: Whatever it is, it probably isn't really sex! Nine: It is hard to inhale...anything! Eight: The Chinese are so willing to give... Seven: But they've got nothing on the Interns! Six: John F. Kennedy may have had a twisted disk in his spine, but I had a twisted [Bill mouths the word and hits a button on his keyboard which emits a loud BLEEP] in my pants! Five: The Lincoln Bedroom is a great fundraiser! Four: Cigars are more useful than you could ever imagine! Three: I feel your pain [He hits the laugh track over and over again, though it's the lamest joke yet] Two: When in doubt, question the meaning of such words as "morning, sex, and cigar". And the number one thing I learned while in office: Starr Wars is in pre-production! [Bill laughs wildly] Our guest tonight, folks, is someone y'all can enjoy, Tracy Morgan. [Tracy wanders in and hits accidentally, almost knocking it down, Bill chuckles some more] Hey Tracy, you're on t.v.! Tracy Morgan: I was on t.v. once, it was this show called Cops and they arrested me for selling weed, I even got to say hi to my mom! Bill Clinton: I feel your pain [bites his lip]. Tracy Morgan: Yeah I went to jail and all, but it was more comfortable than that cage Lorne keeps me in. Bill Clinton: Yeah, yeah cages are harsh. Tracy Morgan: But I probably shouldn't be on t.v. Bill, or else Dick Cheney might see me and have me arrested! Bill Clinton: For what Tracy? Tracy Morgan: Selling crack to the White House employees! It's not my fault the president is my best customer! Dick Cheney gets all pissed when I come around there! Bill Clinton: Yeah, I can relate. I shouldn't be on t.v. either, if Hillary finds out she'll unleash the Gimp on me! Tracy Morgan: She's got one too! Lorne is always threatening to "bring out the gimp". Bill Clinton: I was just kidding! Pulp Fiction is one of my favorite pictures of all time Tracy. Tracy Morgan: Yeah, Plup Fiction [sounds nervous and perplexed] right, Plup Fiction. Bill Clinton: No Tracy, It's Pulp Fiction, not "plup". Tracy Morgan: I know, I was just...kidding. [He pulls a baggy from his pocket, full of marijuana and a few papers] Bill you wanna? Bill Clinton: If I had a nickel for each time I've heard that! Nah I shouldn't, ‘cause if Hillary finds out, she'll be quite angry. Tracy Morgan: [Begins laughing loudly] Ha ha! That's funny! [He punches Bill in the arm, playfully and Bill falls backwards in his chair] Bill Clinton: [Sits back up with his chair, then laughs uncontrollably.] We may have to send that one in for America's Funniest Home Videos! [Footsteps can now be heard coming down the stairs, Bill looks panicked] Uh oh! The boss is home! Tracy, I didn't tell her I'd have friends over and she'll be very angry. See that window? You gotta go through it! Tracy Morgan: Anything to help a friend, Bill! [Tracy climbs up to the window, then opens it and climbs out. Hillary comes into the camera view and gives Bill a nagging look] Hillary Clinton: What did I tell you about using the camera? Bill Clinton: I don't wanna say! Hillary Clinton: Say it! Bill Clinton: Fine! Only use the camera for family outings and little puppy videos. Hillary Clinton: And what were you using it for here? Bill Clinton: To broadcast my show... Hillary Clinton: You know better Bill! [Spots the bag of marijuana that Tracy apparently left] Dammit Bill! [Grabs him by the ear and pulls him off of the chair] What did I say about drugs? Huh? Bill Clinton: Don't give into peer pressure? Hillary Clinton: You're damn tootin'! So what are you doing with that baggy of pot? Bill Clinton: I don't know... Hillary Clinton: Answer me before I go dominatrix on you! What the hell are you doing with the pot?! Bill Clinton: It was Tracy's... Hillary Clinton: And what was Tracy doing here?! Bill Clinton: He was on the show... Hillary Clinton: [Let's go off Bill's ear] You know my drug-crackdown campaign for this state and you just don't care, do you?! Bill Clinton: I thought drug-crackdown only referred to crack! I'm sorry... Hillary Clinton: Well sorry won't cut it mister, go to your room! Bill Clinton: [Starts sobbing and runs off to his room, then yells back] I hate you! Hillary Clinton: [Sighs] He'll never learn [She walks away and the camera shows the empty chair for a few minutes, before fading out] Rate or review this sketch. |
