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Maria Escobar.....Maya Rudolph Mark Purdy.....Darrell Hammond .....Arnold Schwarzenegger Gray Davis.....Chris Parnell [ SUPER: 2002 California Gubernatorial Debate; open to a debate with two podiums and a table with two moderators ] Announcer: And now, from Santa Clara University's Benson Center, it's the 2002 California Gubernatorial Debate, with your moderators... [ brief shots of each moderator ] Announcer: KXLA reporter Maria Escobar... and San Jose Mercury-News columnist Mark Purdy. Mark Purdy: Welcome to the 2002 California Gubernatorial Debate, right here on CBS. The Republican Party has requested that we read this list of alternative programming available on the competing networks... on Fox Sports Net, it's Major League Soccer action as the Tampa Bay Mutiny take on the new expansion team, the Atlanta Xenotronix. On NBC, don't miss another reality show which might actually last past the first few episodes. Can Shanté Payton survive a four-day period trapped in a scorpion-filled septic tank? Find out on "Fear Factor"! And finally, on HGTV, Home & Garden Television, old people tear open their walls and find antique posters valued at millions of dollars! Tens of viewers can't be wrong when they say that the best antiques-hidden-behind-walls discovery show on cable today is "If Walls Could Talk". Maria Escobar: And now, let's meet the candidates! [ Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzenegger appear on stage, shake hands, and go to their respective podiums as audience applauds ] Mark Purdy: Governor Davis, the first question is for you. Gray Davis: Go ahead, shoot. Mark Purdy: Many critics of your administration say that you, quote, "really F'd up the solving of the power problems in California." What is your response to this allegation? Gray Davis: Well, first of all, I'd like to say that, as governor, I think I've handled our state's energy situation to the best of my ability, and - Arnold Schwarzenegger: You F'd up! Gray Davis: Uh.. pardon? Arnold Schwarzenegger: You F'd up the solving of the power problems in Califah-nya! Gray Davis: What..! I object to that remark as an attack on my integrity. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vat integrity? Mark Purdy: OK, Mr. Schwarzenegger, please discontinue any personal insults and save them for after the debate. Maria Escobar: The next question is for the Republican candidate. Mr. Schwarzenegger, after you dropped out of this race early in 2001, not many expected that you would re-open your candidacy. What are some of the stances you're taking on issues pressing California right now? Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vell, miss Escobaaa, I think zie currunt adminustration sitting up in Sacramento are lying around on zer fat asses und ah-guing over zie energy crisis, vile in zie meantime zie citizens of Califah-nya are in zie dark in zer homes. If I vas zie guberner, I vould tyuuhminate all zie pansy politicians in Congress und replace zem all with nuclear reactors to power Califah-nya. Zen I vould make all zie laws und rule zie state of Califah-nya! Maria Escobar: (in disbelief) OK.. Governor Davis, your rebuttal? Gray Davis: Well, I think Mr. Schwarzenegger here - Arnold Schwarzenegger: Call me Ah-nold, you feeble little gray-haired gu-u-rl! Gray Davis: OK, well then, Arnold, I think you are a bit confused. You see, one man cannot single-handedly govern the biggest, most powerful state in the Union... Arnold Schwarzenegger: You are mistaken, Gray. Screw zie state legislationers, ve need a man in office who vill not take any scheiße from anyone! I vill grab all those lawyers by zie balls und throw them out the freaken' vindow! The only lawyer running zie state vill be me! Gray Davis: This is lunacy. Utter lunacy. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vat is lunacy? I tell you, it is ven somebody makes illegal deals vith the president of Mexico to keep zose illegals pouring over zie border! Ven I become governor, I vill not do that same crapola zat you have. I shall build a steel barricade ten miles high so there vill be no illegal aliens. Problem solved. Zen I shall hire robots to replace zie illegals currently verking at zie McDonald's. Mark Purdy: Mr. Schwarzenegger, we get your point, there is no need to use any racial stereotypes. Arnold Schwarzenegger: And zere is also no need for you to push me around vith your girlish figure und your high-pitched voice. You are not Arnold Schwarzenegger, superman of zie whole universe! You are an idiot writer from a liberal rag newspaper! Maria Escobar: There is no need for any sort of aggression, Mr. Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I vill only stop zis tirade if you vill promise to meet me after zis debate so I can sample vat wonders lie inside of your leiderhosen. Mark Purdy: That's enough! Governor Davis, the final question of tonight's debate is for you, and it deals with the allegations that so far in your governance of the state of California, you have made unconstitutional deals with power company lawyers and sent the whole state into a near-recession. How do you respond to this? Gray Davis: Well, Mark, I believe that the "illegal" deals I made with PG&E to lower power output in the state and raise prices were all justified by the fact that I, a career politician, is governing California, and not a career actor-turned-wannabe politician. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vell Gray, I object to your comments as an attack on my integger-ty. And when anything attacks my integrity, it vill find zeir attacks to be useless, and zen my integrity vill kick your arse! Mark Purdy: That's enough, Mr. Schwartze- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cram it up your arse, Mark. I'm gonna run zis country vether you like it or not. Mark Purdy: And now, we will allot each candidate twenty seconds to make closing remarks... Governor Davis, we will start with you. Gray Davis: Thank you, Mark. In short, my re-election as governor of California will not only guarantee welfare and renewed economic growth to all, it will keep power rates high, power grid performance low, immigration high, illegal immigration even higher, the poor poorer, and the rich poorer. I will also lower the drinking age to 16 and allow grocery stores to sell marijuana to minors. Maria Escobar: Thank you. And now, (*sighs*) Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, your closing remarks. Twenty seconds only! Arnold Schwarzenegger: My opponent is a conniving little bastard who thinks he can get avay vith everything. He cannot do that, because his name is not Arnold Schwarzenegger, the most brilliant and tough politician ever. I vill fight for zie citizens rights, using violence and robots if necessary to enforce zie laws. Many of you think zat running zie state is easy but it is not. Zat is zie lesson zat Gray Davis hast learned, that having your head up your excretorial duct vill not help zis state prosper... Mark Purdy: Time is up, Mr. Schwarze- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Bite me, and go suck on a big -- Mark Purdy: That's the end of the debate. Goodbye! [ end debate, as Schwarzenegger picks up his podium and throws it at Gray Davis ] Rate or review this sketch. |
