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Jake.....Will Ferrell Marco.....Arnold Schwarzenegger Morgan Freeman.....Jerry Minor Dan Aykroyd.....Chris Parnell Jessica Tandy.....Ana Gasteyer E.T. (Voice).....Will Ferrell Elliot.....Rachel Dratch Maynard.....Horatio Sanz Zed.....Jimmy Fallon Jack.....Jimmy Fallon Rose.....Tina Fey Bubba.....Tracy Morgan Forrest Gump.....Darrell Hammond Lieutenant Dan.....Chris Parnell John.....Darrell Hammond Max.....Chris Parnell Grampa.....Will Ferrell Announcer.....Chris Parnell [Bumper: "The following presentation is a paid advertisement on the Pax Network" Open on two men sitting in chairs. The set is bright, almost too bright, and there is an enlargened "Pulp Fiction" movie poster behind the two men.] Jake: Did you know that some movies actually cut scenes that they do not use in the movie? Marco: You don't say! Jake: Yes Marco, I do say. [The two chuckle] Here at deleted scene classics, we search out some of the great deleted scenes in film history! Marco: Wow, that sounds like fun! Jake: What sounds like fun? Marco: [Looks perplexed] I was just sticking to the script... Jake: Well the script makes no sense dammit! Marco: Jack, calm down and stick to the script! Jake: [Clears his throat] Today we are taking a look at some of the great deleted scenes inspired by the film "Pulp Fiction"! Yes many films have been influenced by Quentin Tarantino's masterpiece about the underbelly of Los Angeles. Marco: No way! Jake: Yes way! In fact the movie "Things to do in Denver When You're Dead" was accused of being a complete ripoff of "Pulp Fiction". Marco: Wow! Jake: Wow is right! [Looks angry and confused] Who the hell says this crap anyway? I wouldn't say "wow is right". [Hears the director from offstage giving him some sort of orders] Yes I do want to get paid! Fine, I'll stick to the script! This collection is really amazing, and you'll definitely get your money's worth. All these scenes are spectacular, like this deleted scene from "Driving Miss Daisy", with Morgan Freeman, Jessica Tandy, and Dan Aykroyd. Marco: I just can't wait to see it! [We fade into a taped scene where Morgan Freeman is driving a car with Dan Aykroyd in the front passenger's seat and Jessica Tandy in the back] Morgan Freeman: Look, I'm just saying I think it was a miracle! Dan Aykroyd: Fine! [Pulls a .45 out of his pocket] Morgan Freeman: What are you doing with that? Dan Aykroyd: [Turns back and faces his mother] What do you make of this mother, do you think it was a miracle? Jessica Tandy: I don't even have an opinion. Dan Aykroyd: C'mon mother, do you think God came down from heaven and stopped us from hitting that bus? [Suddenly Aykroyd's .45 let's out a deafening 'BANG' and apparently the bullet collided with Jessica Tandy's head. There is blood everywhere, completely covering Aykroyd and the seats.] Morgan Freeman: What in the hey just happened back there? Dan Aykroyd: I accidentally shot mother in the neck! Morgan Freeman: Why in gosh's name did you do that? Dan Aykroyd: I didn't mean to do it! I said it was an accident! Morgan Freeman: I've seen some really weird things... Dan Aykroyd: Chill out man, it was an accident okay? You hit a bump or something and the gun went off! Morgan Freeman: The car didn't hit no motherf***in' [there is a loud BLEEP where said cuss should be] bump okay! Dan Aykroyd: Wait a minute...did you just cuss? [We fade back into our scene with Marco and Jack] Jake: It makes me wonder how that DIDN'T make the movie! Marco: What a heartwarming scene! Jake: Aside from "Driving Miss Daisy" many films have been influenced by Pulp Fiction, and some were even influenced before the movie came out! Marco: [Looks dumbfounded] WOW! Jake: Yessiree! Like "E.T. the Extra Terrestrial", there were many great scenes deleted from that movie. Like this wonderful scene that explains the whole 'Phone Home' thing! [Fade into scene where Elliot and E.T. are in Elliot's sisters room. E.T. is hiding among stuffed animals and dollies. He is holding an old fashioned phone receiver with no cords or strings attached] E.T.: Hello, little boy. Boy I sure heard a bunch about you. Elliot: Wow! You can talk! E.T.: Shut up and let me talk! Now as I was saying, I was a good friend of your Grampa's, see he was abducted by aliens long ago. We were in that space station from hell over five years together. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your Daddy were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, your grampa would be talkin' right now to my alien spawn. But the way it worked out is I'm talkin' to you Elliot. I got somethin' for ya. [He hands the phone to Elliot. It is gold plated] Elliot: Woah, like in the picture shows! E.T: Your human grandfather bought this golden phone from a small store in purgatory, I mean Cleveland. They abducted your grandfather one night when he was drunker than hell. He was brought up over Saturn with only the clothes on his back and the phone up his ass. This very goddamn phone. This phone was up your Daddy's ass when he was abducted by us. He was captured and put in a goddamn space prison. Now he knew if the three-eyeds ever saw the phone it'd be confiscated. The way your Daddy looked at it, that damn phone was your birthright. And he'd be damned if the slime-eyes were gonna put their greasy gray hands, some have up to five you know, on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he wore this very phone up his ass. Then when he died of an anal probe gone wrong, he gave me the phone. I was in the prison for selling secrets to Pluto and befriended your granddad the whole time. I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal and plastic up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family on a spaceship above Saturn. I decided to keep my promise to your human grandfather and come to Earth and that's why I'm here. And now, little man, I give the phone to you. Finally, E.T. phone home! Elliot: That's the biggest load of s*** I've ever heard! [Said word is once again BLEEPed out. We fade back to Jake and Marco] Jake: [A tear trickles down his face] Now let's take a look at this deleted scene, also from "E.T." and also influenced by "Pulp Fiction". [We fade into a scene where two men are in space suits are around two hospital beds. E.T. is on one bed, Elliot on the other. There is a conspicuous trunk sitting in the corner. One of the spacesuit clad men removes his helmet and we see it's Maynard from "Pulp Fiction" the other man reveals himself to be Zed. Elliot and E.T. fret] Maynard: Nobody comes to my planet unless they were born here! Zed: And no one rightly defends that little bastard alien without getting his consequences. [Turns to E.T.] What's your purpose here? E.T.: [In a forced voice, crackly and almost not there] E.T. bring Phone Home. Maynard: Well no one phones home without me and Zed getting in on it dammit! Zed: Well, bring out the gimp! Maynard: The gimp's in quarantine for Ebola! Zed: That shouldn't rightly stop you! Maynard: [Shrugs and walks over to the trunk and opens it. The Gimp rises] Get out! [The Gimp climbs out and stands in front of Maynard, waiting for orders] Get him! [Maynard points to E.T., E.T. screams. We fade back to Jake and Marco.] Jake: [Talking to director.] Look you bastard! I don't care if you're snogging my sister or not, you don't have the right to make me say this corny sssshhh...[Notices the 'Recording' light on the camera has come on] Welcome back! I hope you enjoyed that scrumptious scene! I know I did! Marco: As did I! Jake: Shut up Marco! [Marco looks shocked, while Jake looks offstage. He suddenly looks more pissed than ever] Fine I'll stick to the goddamn script! Coming up next is a deleted scene from the wonderful movie "Titanic". As you will see, it is heavily influenced by "Pulp Fiction" and I think you will enjoy this scene. [We fade into a very familiar movie scene. We are looking through a steamy old Renault Car window. Suddenly a hand lands on the window and leaves streaks in the condensation on the window. The two people in the car are obviously making love. Suddenly we hear a knock at the door, however the two lovers don't miss a beat. There is another knock and the door finally opens. We pan over to see a shirtless Leonardo Dicaprio (Jake) and Kate Winslet (Rose) with a sheet covering her. At the door we see Maynard and Zed] Jack: Yes? Maynard: Do you two know whose car this is? Rose: Well it's William Carters, is it not? Maynard: Yes it's not! Dammit woman you're having sex in Zed's car [He motions to Zed as he says this] Zed: And there will be no sex without Maynard and I involved. Rose: Please sirs, just leave us be. Maynard: Shut your mouth...bitch! [Rose looks shocked and Jake jumps out of the car and puts his fists up to fight] Zed, you want this one? Zed: [His mouth watering] Mmmmm.... Jack: I'll kill you, I'll rip you in two, I'll... Zed: I'll rip you in two! Jack: Huh? Zed: Bring out the gimp! Maynard: He just left on one of them there rafts. Zed: And your point? [Maynard runs off to find the Gimp] Jack: Please sir, I just wanted to know what it was like to own such an elegant car! Frankly it wasn't half of what I thought it would be. Zed: Shut up and kiss me! Jack: What? [We fade back in to see Marco and Jake] Marco: What a scene! Wow, I always wondered what happened after we saw that handprint! Jake: [Staying silent] I don't have to read from the script if I don't want to! [He says this in a childish, bratty voice] Marco: Ahhh what a kidder you are Jake! Jake: Shut up! Marco: [Looks exasperated] I resent that! [Leans in to try and whisper to Jake, yet he is still considerably loud] Look, please just read your lines from the teleprompter! Jake: No I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do! You read them! Marco: [Looks nervous] Umm now we have uhhh...a deleted scene from Forrest Gump...en...enjoy. [Begins to sob as we fade into a hut on what looks like an exotic island. Lieutenant Dan emerges from the hut as we can hear an army jeep approaching. The jeep is being driven by Bubba and Forrest Gump is in the passenger's seat. The jeep is covered in blood just as are Forrest and Bubba.] Forrest: Lieutenant Dan you gotta help us! We were driving along and accidentally blown his head off! Dan: What did I tell you about bringing me these damn bloody vehicles Forrest? Bubba: Come on Lieutenant we need your help! Dan: Did I address you private? Bubba: No sir. But did you know you can make shrimp by rapping it in foil and cooking it in the oven? Or you could place it in a pot of boiling water and... Forrest: My momma always said a watched pot will never boil... Dan: Will you two shut up?! Forrest: My momma also said to disregard anybody who done says shut up, because they've probably got a cough cold. Dan: Boy are you that stupid?! Forrest: My momma always said stupid is as stupid does. Dan: Just...how did this guy...person lose his life anyway? Forrest: My momma always said life is a like the morning mail, sometimes it's good, sometime's it's bad, and sometimes it's useless. Dan: Okay, now Forrest I'm going to tell you to shut the hell up. Bubba, you get your toothbrush and scrub every inch of this army jeep until it sparkles. Bubba: You can make sparkling shrimp just by adding sparkling cider or champagne to the boiling water. Or you could add vinegar and make it sour shrimp, or sugar and make it sweet shrimp, or maybe add some nice spice to make spicy shrimp, or how about... Forrest: My momma always said spice in life's delight! Dan: Was your momma on drugs? Now I said you shut the hell up and stay out of our way! Forrest: My momma always said if there's a will, there's a way. Dan: Do you want me to kill you? Forrest: My momma always said love kills even the savage beast...which reminds me, my momma always said don't make love unless you are in love. My momma also always said [We fade back into Jake and Marco] Jake: ...Look you sonovabitch! I'll kill you! I don't care if we're on air! I'm tired of this! I'm coming to kick your ass! Marco: Maybe we'll go to our last clip, it's from the great movie "Grumpy Old Men", enjoy and stick around after to find out how you can purchase this wonderful tape! [We fade into a scene where Grandpa Gustafson is in a big comfy chair eating pudding. His teeth are in a cup next to him. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers it to see John (Jack Lemmon) carrying Max (Walter Matthau) on his shoulders. Max has foam and vomit coming out of his mouth and his shirt is covered in vomit.] John: Max is dying! He overdosed on Viagra trying to show Ariel he was still young! You gotta get your adrenalin shot, the one you keep around in case you suddenly die! Get it! Grampa: I told you never to bring those druggies here if they ever overdosed, but would you listen? Nah! You had to bring him here. I knew that damn Viagra was bad. [He pulls the syringe out from under the couch] I keep it there in case a hooker sees it and thinks I'm old or something. Did I mention I don't even need Viagra? John: Just give him the damn shot before he dies! Grampa: Well I can't give it, I've got parkinsons, the damn thing would probably end up in his eye if I gave it. [He hands the syringe to John] John: Where do I put it in? Grampa: His right boob. John: Boob? Grampa: Breast, chest, breasticle....whatever you want to call the damn thing! John: Breasticle? Grampa: Just give him the shot! [John lifts the needle high above his and prepares to bring it down...then fade back to Marco and Jake] Marco: Wow, wasn't that great Jake?! Jake: Wowza is more like it...NO! I won't say "Wowza!" Never! You can't make me! I'll...I'll kill you! You bastard, that's it! I'm going to kill you! [He's saying all this to the director, then he gets up and walks towards the director with the camera following him. We finally see the director, who is an old African-American man in a wheelchair. He has large hearing aids in each ear, and large black sunglasses, telling us that he's probably blind. He looks to be about ninety years old] I'm tired of you, you jerk! You can't tell me what to do! Director: [Just above a whisper] What? I can't hear a word you're saying... Jake: Shut up! Just shut up! [We now fade into a blue screen that you would expect to see on any infomercial. It has the address to send your check, a phone number to call, and fine print] Announcer: Call now to order your copy of "Deleted Scenes Influenced by 'Pulp Fiction'" for a low, low price of just seven easy payments of $79.99. Call now and we'll throw in "Deleted Scenes Influenced by 'Top Gun'" for free. That's a thirty dollar value for just seven easy payments of $79.95. Call now..and if you don't reach an operator it'll probably be because Jake kills them all! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
