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.....Arnold Schwarzenegger Maria Shriver.....Tina Fey Waiter.....Will Ferrell [ open on quiet, intimate restaurant in New York City, a young Maria Shriver sitting alone at the table drinking from a glass of water ] [ SUPER: "August 30th, 1977" ] Arnold Schwarzenegger: [ approaches the table ] Maria? Hi, I finally made it! Maria Shriver: [ looks up from her water glass ] Arnold! Hi! What took you so long? Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vell, you know, this country is still so new to me, even though I've been here seven years. The cabdriver took me around the wrong side of town for no apparent reason, then expected me to pay extra for it. So I pulled him into the street and pummelled the crap out of him! Maria Shriver: I should have warned you about the cabdrivers in New York. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh, it's no problem. I'm a little sweaty, but it vas a good vorkout. [ sits, picks up a menu ] So.. vhat's good here? Maria Shriver: I was thinking about ordering a steak.. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Do they keep the cows out back - I could go slaughter it for you vith my bare fists. No problem. Maria Shriver: No, that's okay, Arnold! Stay seated, relax, enjoy your dinner. Try not to think about your work. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright. [ pause ] You know, it's funny. I'm not really a tennis fan, but for some reason I decided to go to that tournament in Forest Hills yesterday. And I'm glad I did, because I got to meet you. Maria Shriver: That's so sweet.. Arnold Schwarzenegger: [ shakes head ] My English is poor, I'm not good with words. Allow me to flex my muscles for you instead. [ stands up and flexes ] Maria Shriver: Arnold, that's okay! I like you, too. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh.. vonderful. Waiter: [ approaches ] Excuse me, sir, is there a problem? Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no.. I was just impressing my date by showing her my huge muscles. Waiter: Yes.. they're very nice.. but you're scaring the other customers. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I vill sit, then. Waiter: Yes, you vill. [ Ferrell tries not to crack up ] Maria Shriver: I think we're ready to order. Waiter: Yes, ma'am? Maria Shriver: Um.. I'll have the ribeye steak, medium rare. Waiter: And for Sir? Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'll have a large protein shake. Waiter: We don't serve protein shakes, sir. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fish, then. Waiter: Very well, sir. [ exits ] Arnold Schwarzenegger: So, those people from the other day. Your family? Maria Shriver: Yes. Here's where we're different. You come from this small, tight-knit family in Austria, working class people, right? Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yes. Maria Shriver: Well, my family consists of well-known and corrupt politicians. For example, my uncle was President until 1963. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh? What's he doing now? Maria Shriver: Well.. he's dead. He was shot in Texas that year. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cowboys. What are you going to do? Maria Shriver: No, it wasn't a cowboy. Just a crazy man with a gun, who didn't agree with his politics. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I see. Ve have a saying in Austria. [ doesn't elaborate ] Maria Shriver: Yes? Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yes. [ still doesn't elaborate ] Maria Shriver: Oh. [ confused pause ] I had another uncle who was shot. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Was he President, too? Maria Shriver: No, he was just a supporter of black people in America. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh, your America has black people in it? I have not seen black man during my stay in America. But there vere a lot of dark-skinned people vorking at the train station, though probably just from vorking outdoors more so from vorking on their tans and upper body tones. Maria Shriver: Right. Arnold Schwarzenegger: So, all your family is dead? Maria Shriver: Well, except for my Uncle Teddy, the alcoholic sexhound. Arnold Schwarzenegger: [ laughs uproariously ] Maria Shriver: That isn't funny, Arnold. He has a terrible disease, and he won't do anything about it. One of these days, someone's going to get hurt for it. Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'm sorry.. I thought you vere making the funny. Maria Shriver: [ pauses to collect her thoughts ] I don't think this is working out, Arnold. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Vhat you mean? Maria Shriver: Well, first of all, we have a language barrier between us, communication is stagnant, and I really don't feel like we have any relevant topics we can talk about intelligently. I think this has all been a mistake.. Arnold Schwarzenegger: [ thinking ] Look.. vhy not skip the small talk, and ve go back to my hotel room and have sex? Maria Shriver: [ excited ] Okay! [ hurries out of her chair ] Can I bring my Uncle Teddy? Arnold Schwarzenegger: [ out of his chair, grabs Maria's hand ] Sure! I vould love to meet him! [ they rush out of the restaurant, as scene zooms out to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
