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.....Arnold Schwarzenegger Clone 1.....Darrell Hammond Clone 2.....Jimmy Fallon Clone 3.....Will Ferrell Clone 4.....Chris Parnell Clone 5.....Rachel Dratch Clone 6.....Horatio Sanz .....Tracy Morgan .....Lorne Michaels Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello, hello it is great to be back in New York! You know this is about my favorite city and it is wonderful to be here! I'm finally hosting "Saturday Night Live"... [Arnold's clone wanders on the stage clad in a leather jack and sun glasses] Clone 1: It is wonderful to finally be hosting Saturday Night Live... Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who the hell are you? Clone 1: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Terminator! Arnold Schwarzenegger: No you are not, I am Arnold Schwartzenegger...and I resent you rhyming Schwarzenegger and Terminator...that's my catchphrase! Clone 1: I am you, a clone of you to be exact! Arnold Schwarzenegger: A clone? Clone 1: Yes of course, like in your movies "Total Recall" and "The 6th Day". Actually, "The 6th Day" is a bad clone of "Total Recall"! [He begins to laugh uncontrollably] Oh I crack myself up! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, that is cruel! Clone 1: And so was making us sit through "Kindergarten Cop"! Arnold Schwarzenegger: That's not fair! I will pound you like a fly! [Arnold lifts his sleeve up preparing to fight, but another clone emerges and taps him on the back. This clone is wearing a white turtleneck and khaki pants] Clone 2: If you have a problem you can take it up with me! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who are you? Clone 2: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! I was in "True Lies"! Arnold Schwarzenegger: That's a lie! I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! Wait...are you another clone? Clone 2: Of course I am and I must say, Maria was great last night! Arnold Schwarzenegger: You bastard! Clone 2: Thought I think I broke her. Arnold Schwarzenegger: You...you broke her? Clone 2: Sometimes it's hard when your partner is anorexic! Arnold Schwarzenegger: But she is not anorexic! That is just some vicious rumor...take that back! Clone 2: No! You will fight me! Clone 1: And me! Clones 1 and 2: Girly man! Arnold Schwarzenegger: I could kill you both! [Another clone emerges, this one dressed in a yellow tank top and jeans] Clone 3: But you couldn't kill me! [He creates a karate pose and then falls over backwards] Arnold Schwarzenegger: Not another clone! But you cannot be my clone...you have no balance or posture! Clone 3: [Gets back up and wipes his arms off] That's a side effect of being over-bred. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Over bred?! Dammit how many more are there? [A fourth clone emerges, this one clad in 'Turbo Man' outfit from "Jingle All the Way".] Clone 4: I am the great Arnold Schwarzenegger, from the greatest film of all time "Jingle All the Way". That film is four stars hilarious! Boo yah! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Oh no! This clone doesn't know what he's talking about! "Jingle All the Way" was neither four stars or hilarious! Clone 1: It looks like our master has made mistakes in creating us! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Master? [Yet another clone emerges. This one is a woman dressed like Jack Slater from "Last Action Hero". Her hair is cut short like Arnold's] Clone 5: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! Huff! Arnold Schwarzenegger: How could you be me? You are a woman! Clone 5: I'll kick your ass! Huff! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Are you a lesbian? You sure look like it. Clone 5: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! Huff! Huff huff!! Clone 3: There must have been a malfunction with the cloning! There shouldn't be a woman! [Tracy Morgan walks onstage wearing sunglasses, a baggy pair of pants, and a 'I Love New York' t-shirt] Tracy Morgan: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! I'll kill anyone that gets in my way brotha'! I'll pop a cap in yo ass! Arnold Schwarzenegger: How are you my clone? You are a black man and If I'm not mistaken you are Tracy Morgan. You could have at least dressed like me if you are supposed to be my clone. Tracy Morgan: Yo bitch! I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger...I just lost my outfit in a craps game on the subway. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Well why don't all you clones just leave me alone! [A clone comes onstage wearing a moo moo and a wig] Clone 6: I am Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie "Junior". I would threaten you all, but I'm pregnant! I could go for some cat with ducksauce...mmmmm! Arnold Schwarzenegger: What is this?! You are not my clone, you are a clone of a character I played in a bad movie. Who is behind this? Clone 2: Who do you think? Clone 3: The evil genius of them all! Clone 5: My breasts hurt! Clone 6: I feel your pain babe! Clone 1: The worst of all villains! Arnold Schwarzenegger: T-1000? All Clones: No silly! Lorne Michaels! [Lorne comes out from backstage cackling like a madman] Lorne Michaels: I will rule the world! A band of Arnold Schwarzenegger's will stop at nothing to bring me to the top! I will be ruler! I will be ruler! I... Arnold Schwarzenegger: [Picks up Lorne by the collar] You will what? Lorne Michaels: I will...take all these clones out of here and terminate them? Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good boy! [Everyone leaves the stage except the real Arnold Schwarzenegger] We have a great show tonight, Vanilla Ice is here! Stick around! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
