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Barbara Walters.....Ana Gasteyer John Stossell.....Will Ferrell Ernie.....Chris Parnell The Count.....Chris Kattan Bert.....Jimmy Fallon Various Sesame Street Puppets [Open with ABC 20/20 bumper. Barbara Walters is sitting at her 20/20 desk] Barbara: Hello and welcome to 20/20. I'm Barbara Walters and tonight I have a truly wonderful story for you. It's a story about friendship, loving, and caring. [John Stossell passes by the desk] John: No it is isn't! It's a story about a crazy sex addicted power-hungry bastard! [Continues walking past the desk and out of view] Barbara: It's a story about a crazy sex addicted power-hungry bastard! For years, Bert from "Sesame Street" has been accused of being evil. He's had websites dedicated to his said evilness. Tonight, I bring you the full story of "Evil On Sesame Street". I had very special interviews with those furry little...things, from Sesame Street and those who are ever so close to Bert. [We open in on the Sesame Street set. The Sesame Street theme is playing. We see Barbara Walters walking alongside Ernie. Chris Parnell looks so much like Ernie it's scary, his face is painted orange as are his hands and other body parts. He is wearing a shirt identical to Ernie's] Barbara: How long have you lived with Bert? Ernie: That's a very hard question! Let's count the years together! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5... Barbara: Please, Mr. Ernie, just answer our question. Ernie: I can't count that high! Barbara: Estimate. Ernie: About 32 years ma'am. Barbara: And is Bert a good friend? Ernie: Oh yes! We play games like who can count the highest and who can say the most words! Barbara: Has he ever been mean to you? Ernie: Oh yes! All the time [Tears well up in his eyes] sometimes he takes Rubber-Ducky and hides him. Once he even put Rubber-Ducky in the microwave! I was so upset I could have...I could have...why I could have shouted! Barbara: It's hard, isn't it, having Bert always pick on you? Ernie: Once he told me to take my pants off so he could check for fleas. Instead he started to drool and videotaped me! It was later I realized there aren't any fleas on Sesame Street! Then he said "Today's Episode is Brought to You By the Letter P for Penis and Pornography!" Barbara: How horrible! What else did he do? Ernie: He told me that Santa Claus didn't exist! I must have cried for days! "Of course he exists!" I said. "How else would all those presents get to Sesame Street?" Then he took some scissors and cut my strings! It was horrible! I couldn't move for days! Another time I was sleeping and he came in and told me to get on my knees. I said, "Why silly?" and he said "Because if you don't I'll beat your...your..." Barbara: Ass? Ernie: Yes! [He breaks down sobbing and stops walking. Barbara pats him on the back. We then fade into a scene where Barbara Walters is sitting in a chair interviewing Elmo. This Elmo is a puppet with the real Elmo voice] Barbara: Mister Elmo, did you ever have bad encounters with Bert? Elmo: Elmo wants to be your friend! Barbara: Please Elmo, answer the question. Elmo: Elmo likes to take baths! Barbara: I'll ask you again Elmo, answer my question, pretty please? Elmo: Elmo is on M.M.D.A. and feels all tingly! Barbara: Please Elmo! Elmo: Elmo is sleepy! [He curls up in the chair and pretends to sleep] Barbara: Dammit Elmo! Answer my question! [She reaches over and shakes him] Sonofabitch! This would never happen to Diane Sawyer! [We fade out and return to Barbara and Ernie walking down Sesame Street] Barbara: Ernie, what else did Bert do? Ernie: He'd come home real late, I mean sometimes he'd stay up even later than 7:00! I'd get real worried, but he'd come home with alcohol on his breath and a cigarette in his mouth! I'd tell him smoking is bad, and he'd just say... "Get the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of my way!" [Begins to sob again] Then once he bet me in a game of poker and lost me to a pimp from Las Vegas! I had to be a gigolo for a whole week! [Sobs again] Barbara: I feel so sorry for you! Ernie: One time I was taking a bath with Rubber-Ducky and I was singin' and Bert came in and set up a video camera, then he picked up Rubber-Ducky and dropped him again. I bent down to find Rubber-Ducky and...[Sobs uncontrollably.] Then he said "Today's Episode Is Brought To You By the Letter R, for RAPE!" [We fade back to where Barbara is sitting down. This time she is interviewing Big Bird. This is the puppet Big Bird with his real voice] Barbara: Tell me about your ordeal with Bert. Big Bird: Well it was Thanksgiving time and I just LOVE Thanksgiving. All that food is just yummy! Bert came to me and asked me if I could do him a favor. Ernie had warned me about giving Bert favors, but I didn't mind. He told me to lie down on a baking sheet so I did. Then, he tied my legs together, it felt funny, but I'd do anything for a friend. Then he took some stuffing, you know, the yummy kind, and he...and he... Barbara: It's ok Mr. Bird. Big Bird: He shoved it up my behind! [Breaks out crying] Then he...he stuck me in the oven and turned it on! If it hadn't been for Prairie Dawn setting me free, I'd have been eaten! [Fade out and fade back in to the same setting, except it's Prairie Dawn being interviewed. Once again, it's the puppet with the real voice] Barbara: Prairie Dawn, tell me about your experiences with Bert. Prairie Dawn: Once he asked to see my breasts. I said "What are breasts?" I was all confused! Then he used to come to my house and try on all my clothes. Sometimes he'd take the clothes home and wear them around Sesame Street. The worst was when he invited me over to play house. I went over and he had Ernie tied up to the bed. He made me take all my clothes off and he kept saying something about menage-at-trois. I didn't know what that word meant so I said "What does that mean Bert? I don't speak Spanish". He slapped me and said "It's not Spanish it's French you dumb bitch!" [She bursts out into sobs and holds her face in her hands.] [Now Barbara is interviewing Barkley the dog in the chair setting] Barbara: Barkley...or would you prefer to be called Mr. Dog? Barkley: Ruff! Ruff! Barbara: Errr...ok. Now...Mr. Dog, did Bert ever harm you? Barkley: Ruff! Ruff! Roof! Barbara: He liked it "rough"? [We return to Barbara and Ernie, walking and talking.] Barbara: Tell me more Ernie. Ernie: Once Paul Simon was visiting Sesame Street and I just loved his music so I asked Bert if I could go. He got all mad and locked me in the closet. I never got to meet Paul Simon! [Cries and sobs] I hate Bert! He used to keep me in a cage at night and he'd poke me all night long! Just sit there and poke and poke and...[Sobs horribly again] Sonofabitch this is hard! [Covers his mouth] I didn't mean that! I've been around Bert too long! [Breaks into tears] Barbara: It's alright. [Fade into the interview scene. This time Barbara's got the Count. Chris Kattan is painted Purplish and wearing a cape and such] Barbara: Count, what has Bert done to you? Count: Well my family immigrated many years ago from Transylvania! Let's count the number of years ago that was! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.. Barbara: Please Count, we mayn't have time to count them all. Count: My family were immigrants. Bert came to me many times and told me "Go back to your own damn country!" I was very, very hurt! I counted every tear I cried! Then one day he came to me and asked me to find something he had dropped into a very large box of styrofoam peanuts. I dove into the box, but before I could get back out, he sealed the box and mailed me back to my homeland! By the time I got there, I couldn't even count the weight I had lost! He was always against anybody who wasn't strictly Roman-Catholic and white. He once hit Danny Glover in the head with a rubber chicken! [Fade out and fade back to chair interview scene. This time Barbara's got Bert in the chair. He's unshaven and smoking a cigarette. Fallon looks just like Bert and is painted yellow] Barbara: Is it true you have raped and groped your fellow members of Sesame Street? Bert: Look, I'm not saying I did anything...But those bastards DESERVED IT! It's hard enough being yellow, but dammit being yellow and living in a sexless, drugless, cussless community is hell! Sheer hell! Any pain I've cause those multicolored fags...well they deserved it! Every cookie I stole from Cookie-Monster, every time bra I took from Prairie Dawn, every time I socked Elmo in the gut because he wouldn't shut the hell up!...they all deserved it. Especially Ernie, that bastard deserves to be picked on, he just asks for it! I'm tired of all these blacks and Asians and PURPLES...especially the damn purples! Barbara: Are you sorry for anything you've done? Bert: Are you kidding? I'd do it all again! [Leans in and talks quietly] If you're not doing anything after this I just bought an S&M starter kit. Barbara: That's horrible! Bert: Nah, I didn't pay too much for it. It's got the essentials at least. Believe me babe, I'll just use the paper bag theory on you, if I don't have to look at your face it won't be half as bad. Besides, as long as it walks, I'm all for it. Barkley isn't half bad in the sack you know! [We fade out and return to Barbara Walters and Ernie, still walking] Barbara: You are a brave puppet and I wish you luck for the future! [Leans in and gives Ernie a kiss] Ernie: [Pulls Rubber-Ducky from his pocket] Rubber-Ducky wants some too! [Barbara kisses Rubber-Ducky. We return to the newsdesk with the 20/20 sign. Barbara is at the desk] Barbara: What a wonderful story! [John Stossell passes by the desk] John Stossell: Are you as stupid as you sound? [Walks offscreen] Barbara: Coming up after the break, the real story behind that canuck bastard, Alex Trebek. [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
