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Terminator ... Arnold Schwarzenegger Lorne Michaels ... Lorne Michaels Chevy Chase ... Chris Parnell John Belushi ... Horatio Sanz T-5000 ... Rachel Dratch Andy Kaufman ... Jimmy Fallon Young Boy ... Some child actor [Sketch opens with a shot of a battlefield. Robots are fighting each other, with fires burning and explosions in the background. A note on the screen reads: 2001 A.D.] Female Voiceover: In 2001, there was a war being fought. A war, for late night comedy supremacy. There were few survivors. And those who did survive, had to face the biggest challenge of all, dethroning Saturday Night Live. No one came close. But one challenger, Mad TV, came up with a plan to reverse history. A Terminator was sent back to the year 1975, to eliminate the leader of the comedy resistance, Lorne Michaels. But SNL was able to send back a lone warrior, a protector for Lorne. It was just a matter of which one would reach him first. [An explosion on screen, with the title inside it: Terminator 3: SNL. The Terminator theme plays.] [The scene fades into a dressing room. John Belushi is getting dressed for the series premiere of NBC's Saturday Night. A date on the screen reads: October 11, 1975. Belushi is drunk and coked out of his mind. Lightning flashes off screen and we watch Belushi's reaction.] John Belushi: Holy (bleep)! [He rubs his eyes drunkenly] Aykroyd, is that you? [A naked Arnold Schwarzenegger walks into the frame. His genitals are digitized and blurred on the TV screen. We see a shot of Belushi through his eyes, with the readout on the screen: BELUSHI, JOHN. 5'10", 220 LBS. OBTAIN CLOTHING.] Terminator: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle. John Belushi: Want to do some coke? Terminator: Give me your clothes and your motorcycle. John Belushi: I don't have a motorcycle! Want one of my Twinkies? Terminator: [grabbing Belushi by the throat] Give me your clothes. Now. [We cut away to another dressing room and see a young Lorne Michaels, talking with a young Chevy Chase] Lorne Michaels: So I tell you, Chevy, this guy Garrett Morris is going to be huge! In five years, he will be like Elvis. Mark my words! Tonight is his first step to superstardom! [The Terminator bursts through the door, wood shattering everywhere. He is wearing a greasy tank top, 4 sizes too big, and covered with vomit. Lorne and Chevy stare in awe. We see a readout through the Terminator's eyes again as he looks at Chevy: CHASE, CHEVY. 6'2, 170 LBS.] Terminator: You are Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase: Yes, and you're not. Terminator: Leave the room immediately. Chevy Chase: Listen, buddy. You don't tell me what to do! I'm Chevy Chase! In fact, who the hell are you?? Terminator: I am a Cyberdyne Computers Model T-800. My CPU is a neuro net processor. A learning computer. I am here to protect Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels: Protect me? From what? Terminator: You designed me. In the year 2001. You built me and programmed me to come back to 1975, to find you and to protect you. There are others coming to kill you. Come with me if you want to live. Chevy Chase: Lorne, we have a show to do in 90 minutes! Get this guy out of here! Lorne Michaels: Wait a minute, if you are a computer sent back from the future, why are you wearing a greasy tank top caked with puke? Terminator: I had to obtain clothing from a John Belushi. Lorne Michaels: Well, that makes sense. That's actually one of his cleaner ones. Terminator: You must come with me quickly. You are in danger. Lorne Michaels: You haven't told me who is after me! I'm not leaving until you tell me! Terminator: You are the creator of Saturday Night Live, the best comedy show in the world. Your challengers have not been able to defeat you, so they sent a machine back to 1975 to kill you. To erase history. Lorne Michaels: We are still on the air in 2001?? Terminator: Affirmative. Lorne Michaels: And Garrett Morris, is he the biggest star in the universe? Terminator: Negative. No one knows who he is. Chevy Chase: I'm sure I'm not on the show in 2001, am I? I must have left for Hollywood, made lots of films, become an international mega-star? Terminator: Negative. You have no career and are saggy and bald. Chevy Chase: That can't be! I'm Chevy Chase! Terminator: Look, I am not here to tell you the future. I am a machine of destruction. I am here to protect you from the T-5000, an advanced form of Terminator. Lorne Michaels: Wait a second, is John Belushi still on the show in 2001? Terminator: [getting annoyed] Negative. He died in 1982. Lorne Michaels: Oh my God! Terminator: Yes, I am very sorry. Lorne Michaels: I can't believe he lives past the age of 30! Chevy Chase: What about Danny Aykroyd? That kid is amazing. Is he a world renowned comic actor? Terminator: Negative. His career is as dead as yours. He was in Caddyshack 2. Lorne Michaels: What's Caddyshack 2? Terminator: [exasperated] Look, we have to go. I have a motorcycle outside, we need to get going. Chevy Chase: When you say I am saggy and bald, what exactly does that mean? Is that on a normal scale, or compared to what I am now? I mean, Chevy Chase doesn't get saggy and bald. Terminator: [to Lorne Michaels] Excuse me. [The Terminator takes Chevy Chase, picks him up, and starts to carry him out of the room. He turns and speaks to Lorne Michaels.] Terminator: I'll be back. [He exits while carrying Chevy Chase. A few seconds later, we hear two gunshots. The Terminator reappears.] Lorne Michaels: You killed Chevy Chase! You can't do that!! We have a show to do tonight! Terminator: Negative. I killed them all. There will be no show tonight. Lorne Michaels: Even Garrett Morris??? Terminator: Affirmative. Lorne Michaels: He was my star!! Why did you have to do that?! [The Terminator just stares at him blankly] Lorne Michaels: You killed the Not Ready for Prime Time Players!!! I'm ruined!! Terminator: I did not know what the T-5000 would look like. We had to be careful. He could be disguised as anyone. I eliminated everyone in the area. Lorne Michaels: How am I supposed to build the most successful sketch comedy show in history if you kill my cast?? Terminator: Er... Um... I was not programmed to think ahead. You programmed me only to protect you. Lorne Michaels: [pulls out a small tape recorder and talks into it] Note to self. Make sure to program logic into all Terminators I design. Terminator: We must go. You are in great danger. Lorne Michaels: It doesn't matter now. There's no way this show will ever succeed with a dead cast. We are on the air in less than 90 minutes! Who is going to be on the show? How can we get by without Garrett Morris???? Terminator: If we don't leave now, you will be dead soon. Lorne Michaels: Hold on... you said John Belushi died in 1982. But didn't you just shoot him a few minutes ago? Terminator: Affirmative. He could have been the T-5000 in disguise. Lorne Michaels: But won't that cause some sort of space-time ripple effect? Did you change the future inadvertantly? Terminator: [thinking it over] Not sure. Lorne Michaels: But if he was shot in 1975, he can't have died in 1982!!! What else did you change?? Terminator: I am not programmed to compute cause and effect relationships. I am programmed to protect Lorne Michaels and kill the T-5000. Lorne Michaels: So how can you be sure that the T-5000 is coming to kill me? If you killed my castmembers, that means that SNL wasn't a big hit, and I couldn't be the dominant force in late night comedy! Why would anyone want to kill me? Terminator: [looking around the room like a deer trapped in headlights] I don't know. Lorne Michaels: Look, buddy, you are just going to have to be more careful with who you kill. You probably negated the entire purpose of why I sent you here! In fact, why would I need protection now? There's no reason! Terminator: [confused] Look, can I just go home? Lorne Michaels: No, I programmed you to protect me, and now you are going to save my butt. Go find me some new comics and writers! Save my show! [At that moment, the door shatters, and the T-5000 comes into the room. Rachel Dratch is the T-5000, and she holds a gun.] T-5000: I am here to kill Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels: [snickering] Wait, you're the evil Terminator? You're tiny! Terminator: Mad TV does not have access to large amounts of scrap metal. They were only able to procure a tiny amount. Thus a smaller Terminator. Lorne Michaels: Is it a boy or a girl? T-5000: [hurt] Hey, that's just not nice. I am designed as a titanium alloy, a genderless robot. A synthetic human skin covers my metal exoskeleton. But I am designed to appear as a female. Lorne Michaels: Ok. Whatever you say. You look like a little boy to me. T-5000: Stop it! Shut up! [At that moment Andy Kaufman pokes his head in the doorway.] Kaufman: Did I hear there's a female in here? Can I wrestle her? Lorne Michaels: Andy Kaufman, you're still alive! Run for help! The Terminator I designed to protect myself is defective! [The T-5000 starts shooting towards the doorway. Kaufman disappears.] T-5000: How ironic. That a female finally defeated him. [The Terminator and T-5000 chuckle at the reference to Kaufman's wrestling career.] Lorne Michaels: I don't get it. T-5000: And now, as Mad TV has programmed me, Lorne Michaels, I must kill you. [She points the gun at him] [At this point we hear several gunshots. The T-5000 is hit several times from behind. Loud popping noises are heard as she grabs her chest and falls to the floor.] Lorne Michaels: Wait, what happened? Who shot her? [A small boy walks into the room, holding a gun. He is black and about seven years old.] Young Boy: Hi, my name is Tracy Morgan. My dad works in the building. I heard all the shooting and ran up here. I found this gun on the floor and shot that bad robot lady. Lorne [running over to hug the boy]: You saved my life! Tracy, your name is? Young Boy: Yeah. Lorne Michaels: I'll tell you what. Some day, when you are older, I will let you join my cast. You can do whatever you want, and I will never fire you! You can be on Saturday Night Live forever! Thank you for saving my life! Young Boy: Cool! [There's a quick cutaway shot to the Terminator riding his motorcycle down the road. Lorne Michaels sits behind him and little Tracy Morgan sits on Arnold's lap. A voiceover says:] Lorne Michaels: The unknown future lays before us. I face it full of hope. The Terminator will be joining the cast of SNL, and hopefully, is better at sketch comedy than he is at protecting me. We have some new faces in the cast, and while there is no Garrett Morris in the bunch, we have a young man named Gilbert Gottfried who is destined for superstardom. SNL will live on. [Scene fades out with the three of them riding off into the desert on a motorcycle, the Terminator theme playing in the background.] Rate or review this sketch. |
