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Dr. Kray.....Jon Stewart Ana.....Ana Gastmeyer Jimmy.....Jimmy Fallon JP.....Will Ferrell Dean Witherspoon.....Tracy Morgan Dr. Kray 2.....Jon Stewart [Scene: Typical college classroom scene. Big box device resembling a projector near front of class next to professor. Ana and Jimmy sit beside one another.] Dr. Kray: Well class I have a treat for you today. As you all know, earlier this spring scientists concluded research on the Human Genome Project. From the data collected we can now predict the results of any human DNA strand. What I have here is the DNA Decoder 2000. Let me show you how it works. Last month I was at a blood donor drive in L.A. when who happened to walk in but Pamela Anderson. I didn't think she'd mind so I borrowed some of her blood and extracted some of her DNA to show you the true power of the DNA Decoder 2000. Ana: Wait a minute sir, is that legal? Dr. Kray: Mmmm...sure. [Teacher and students look off screen, presumably at a projector screen. Dr. Kray puts DNA slide into machine and presses button on remote.] Jimmy: Woo hoo! Dr. Kray: Yes Jimmy. Now with a little finagling I give you a perhaps more familiar version. Pamela Anderson with implants. [Dr. Kray presses button on remote.] Jimmy: Ahhhhh. Ana: Excuse me sir, but does she have to be naked. Dr. Kray: Of course, the DNA decoder processes the DNA and comes up with the result. Clothes are not programmed into our DNA Ms. Nelson. [students laugh] Ana: Well, does she have to be bending over like that? Jimmy: Why don't you just sit quietly and pay attention, Ms. Nelson? Ana: Can we just move on sir. Dr. Kray: Yes of course. Next we have someone else you're all probably familiar with. Ms. Britney Spears. [Dr. Kray puts slide into machine and presses button on remote. Ana shakes her head.] Jimmy: Hey wait a minute, something's not right. That doesn't really look like her. Dr. Kray: With implants. [Dr. Kray presses button on remote.] Jimmy: Oh yeah, there she is. Ana: Okay sir, I've had enough of this. If you insist on showing these sick pictures, at least show some males to be fair. Jimmy: Hey Ms. Nelson, why don't you zip it. [makes lip zipping motion.] Dr. Kray: No, you're quite right Ms. Nelson. And as Jimmy is so much a fan of the technology I'm sure he won't mind me using some of his DNA for the next example. Jimmy: No wait. [Dr. Kray puts slide into machine and presses button. Students stare at screen. Ana tilts her head.] Dr. Kray: I...I don't see it. [Jimmy sinks into chair.] Dr. Kray: Hmmm...with implant. [Jimmy sinks lower into chair. Dr. Kray walks off screen. Pause] Dr. Kray: [from offstage] Oh wait, there it is...I think. [Enter Dr. Kray] Anyways, I guess that will be all... [JP stands up] JP: No wait. Do mine. [awkward pause] Please. [awkward pause] Please. Dr. Kray: [Hesitates. Puzzled.] No, I'm sorry JP we can't. JP: Please. Dr. Kray: No, I'm afraid... [Enter Dean Witherspoon] Dr. Kray: Why, Dean Witherspoon. Hello? To what do we owe this visit? Dean Witherspoon: As you know, someone has been pilfering donuts from the cafeteria. Well he finally slipped up today. We found a box of donuts which he stole and inside that box was a powdered donut with a bite taken out of it. I isolated the saliva and extracted some DNA. Now I thought it would be a good demonstration for the class if we used the DNA Decoder 2000 to analyse the DNA and expose the culprit! Dr. Kray: Sounds good. Just place the DNA in here. [Dean Witherspoon puts slide into machine and Dr. Kray presses button on remote. Students gasp.] Ana: [disgusted] When will this torment end. Dr. Kray: But...[does a double take, looks at Ana with a hurt Jon Stewart expression] But it can't be me! Dean Witherspoon: Sorry, I'm afraid the evidence speaks for itself. [Grimaces while looking at picture.] That's it. Boys, take him away. [Enter guards. They handcuff Dr. Kray. Exit Guards, Dr. Kray and Dean Witherspoon. Students shake their heads.] [Enter Dr. Kray 2.] Ana: Dr. Kray what are you doing here? They just arrested you! Dr. Kray 2: Oh, I'm not Dr. Kray. Jimmy: Wait, I'm confused...if you're not Dr. Kray, then who are you? Dr. Kray 2: Me? Why, I'm his evil clone!!!! Bwah ha ha ha ha. [mad laughter continues. Cut to close up still shot of Dr. Kray 2's face with mouth covered in white donut powder.] Announcer: This skit was brought to you by the American Anti-Cloning Council and IBM. [Fade out to 'Do you really want a clone' jingle music] Rate or review this sketch. |
