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Beck.....Jimmy Fallon Shauna O'Brian.....Ana Gasteyer Executive.....Chris Parnell (Setting begins in a big record company building in office with two people seated at a long table talking) (Beck walks in) Beck: You wanted to see me, Mr. Ross? Executive: Yes! Beck, have a seat! Beck: Okay. Hey Shauna. (sits next to her) Shauna O'Brien: Hello, Beck. Beck: So...what did you guys want to see me for? Need some more green? Executive: ...uh...no. Beck: Oh. Okie-dokie. What then? Executive: (takes a deep breath) Well...this isn't going to be easy for me. Here at Griffin Records, we've admired your work and we've seen your genre of music evolve from rock, funk, country, jazz,and techno. You've made the label a lot of money. Beck: Thanks. I couldn't have done it without a great manager. You're great, Shauna. Shauna: Thank you. That's sweet of you to say. Executive: But...you didn't let me finish. Beck: Oh. Executive: Yea. we've reviewed your new songs. I'm sorry but there won't be a new album. We've decided to drop you from the label. Beck: What? Why?! Shauna O'Brien: Don't get upset, Beck! Beck: You call yourself a manager? C'mon! I made you guys rich! You can't do this to me! This is like whipping a donkey with a spoon! Executive: ...uh.. (confused) Did you just...nevermind. Look, just hear us out. If we make an agreement then we may reconsider your contract. Shauna O'Brien: Listen to him! Beck: Whatever, man. You have five minutes, and then I'm gone like Batman. Executive: That's fair enough. We can all agree that your music is genious all in itself and I'm gonna be honest with you. Yea, your music SOUNDS good but the lyrics... Beck: What about my lyrics?! Executive: ...They sound as if they were written by a two year old. I'm sorry, but you've got to face the facts. People want to be emotionally moved, and they want the story to touch their hearts, not wonder to themselves if the lyrics were written by a mental person! Beck: Everything I write is brilliant! Executive: To YOU it is! Beck: Really?!! Name one verse that I have written that sounds stupid! Go on! I dare you! (picks up one of his albums and throws it at the Executive. Executive opens the lyric booklet) Executive: Okay. This beautiful poetic work is called "Nicotene and Gravy": (he reads from booklet) "I'll feed you fruit that don't exist I'll leave graffiti where you've never been kissed I'll do your laundry massage your soul I'll turn you over to the highway patrol I think we're going crazy her left eye is lazy she looks so Israeli nicotene and gravy" Come on! What the heck does that mean?! It's ridiculous! Beck: No! You try to write something that beautiful! Really! You try it! Executive: Excuse me, did you say that was "BEAUTIFUL"? Come on! What the heck did it mean, anyway? Beck: Well...it talks about...okay, maybe that was stupid. Go on! You can't find another stupid song! I guarantee you! Executive: I'm sure. (looks at book) Oh! Lookie here! Hmmm, this little masterpiece is called "Mixed Bizness": (he reads aloud) "Word up to the manthing she's always cold lamping Visine at the canteen I just want to watch you dance Do you want to ride on the Baltic Sea I'll be your mistress C.O.D. I'll comb your hair re-write your diary pour champagne on a honey bee" (stops reading) Okay Mr. Elton John, what was that supposed to mean? Beck: Isn't it obvious? Executive: No! It isn't! Explain it to me, Beck! SHUANA- Come on, maybe we can make a compromise on the new album! Executive: Yea, if he re-wrote the entire thing! Beck: My lyrics are my life! To say something like that about my work is like...spreading butter on a tree! Executive: ...What? Beck: You know! To drop me from the label is like eating a meal on the sun! Executive: What?! Are you alright? Are you okay in there? Speak normally for crying out loud! Beck: To speak is to shop for evaporated meats. Executive: ....WHAT? Beck: Tweak my nipple. Executive: (confused) ...Okay. Let's just calm down, alright? Alright. Now, let's speak like adults, shall we? Good. Beck: You're just treating me like this because I'm Canadian. Executive: That's ridiculous!! Why do you think that? No one is criticizing you because you're Canadian!! That's just crazy! And besides...we're practically the same! Beck: Not actually. America is a republic and Canada is a constitutional monarchy. America has states, Canada has provinces. America has presidents, Canada has prime ministers, America has two major political parties, Canada has five. America has- Executive: Okay I get it!!!! That was just crazy! Beck: As crazy as a crocodile. Executive: Will yo stop that!!! Beck: Whatever man. I still don't know why you're criticizing my work, butch. Executive: This had better convince you. (he reads from "Hollywood Freaks") "People look so snooty take pills make them moody automatic bzooty zero to tutti fruiti s in the halls niagra falls local shopping malls receive anonymous calls hot like a cheetah neon mama cita eat a tacoria pop lockin' beats from korea lookin' like jail bait sellin' lots of real-estate lookin' like a hot date bangin' like an 808" Beck: Aren't you feelin' it? Executive: Well, I guess I could if I knew what it meant! Beck: It's about society, and...how society would be without...gazebos. Executive: Oh come on! You just wrote a bunch of crapy lyrics so you could finish your albums early! Don't lie! Beck: You're full of it, man! Executive: No you are! Now... (calms down) if you re-write the songs on you upcoming album, we might make a compromise. Shauna O'Brien: Do it, Beck! Beck: You can't silence a pony on the night! Executive: Would you just speak normally, please? Beck: No! And I'm not going to re-write anything! If you don't like my work, then you can cram them right up your- Shauna O'Brien: Guys! Settle down! This is going nowhere! Executive: You're right, Shauna. Beck: As right as peach cobbler. Shauna O'Brien: Alright then...no more arguing, please! Executive: Okay. Beck: I can dig it. Maybe you were right about my last album, but my other one rocked! Executive: Well, sort of. "Loser" was kind of a weird song, don't get me wrong, it made us a lot of money. But again, horrible lyrics. And in another song from the same album, you talk about washing dishes in a ditch. I think that we can all agree that you're not very talented whe it comes to writing lyrics. In fact...you suck. Beck: That was harsh! Don't you care that you're ripping my heart out with a spatula? Executive: ...Uh. What about this.. (reads from "Broken Train") "the snipers have passed out in the bushes again I'm glad I got my suit dry-cleaned before the riots started cos' there's onl re-hashed faces on the breadline tonight soon you'll be a figment of some infamous life" Hmm...interesting. Beck: Darn straight. Pure literature. Executive: Whatever. This is even worse: (he reads from "Debra") "I met you in JC Penny I read your name tag it said 'Jenny' I come step to you with a fresh pack of gum and somehow I know you were lookin' for somethin' oh" And then there's this called "Pressure Zone": (he reads) "The country side is over grown there's a lighthouse in her soul wrestling with butcher girls she don ever change her clothes masterpieces liquidate from fertile tears I could sleep inside her bones a hundred years lizards in the pressure zone mother knows it's only a phase" If that's "Pure Litterature" then I'll kiss your hiney. Beck: You're only as victimized as a bear until you lose yourself on the good fight. Executive: For God's sake will you stop that?!! Beck: Hey, I only represent. Executive: Yea, for the nut house! Beck: You ain't got nothin' on my new album. Executive: You only sent me three songs! Beck: They're all going platinum, baby. Executive: I'm sure. "Tight Leather Undies", "Brickhouse Mustard", and "Digital Doggie Treats" will never be heard from anyone beyond this record label! Change the names, the lyrics, and write new material or you're out. That's final. Beck: Dag, man. You can't do this to an artist! It's like clippng an Eagles toenails! Executive: Get out. You heard what I said! That's final, end of story! Have your album demo on my desk in six months or out. Go on. You have some work to do. Shauna O'Brien: Come on, let's go, Beck (they get up) Beck: Okay, but you can't silence the wind forever, it must be free to fly...and stuff. Executive: Get out! Beck: See ya,dude. Shauna O'Brien: I'll talk to him. We'll get this worked out. Executive: Good. (they leave. He looks out window) My God, what have I gotten myself into? (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
