|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Host ... Chris Parnell Jennifer Kendall ... Tina Fey Scott Lange ... Jimmy Fallon Hacksaw Rizetti ... Horatio Sanz Mariah Carey ... Maya Rudolph Balthazar ... Will Ferrell DNA Strand B ... Jon Stewart Sheila, the Prop Girl ... Rachel Dratch [Scene fades in on a game show] [Cheesy music plays] Host: [standing behind a podium] Hello! And welcome to American's favorite new game show! The only game show where normal people try to outwit crazy people! Where today, two studio contestants will win money by outhinking the insane! It's time to play... [audience yells along with him] Crack! That! Nut! [Audience applauds. Two contestants come jogging up to their podiums, waving to the camera.] Host: Our first contestant is our three time returning champion. Hailing from Addison, Texas, please welcome Jennifer Kendall! Jennifer: [waving happily to the audience] Hi everybody! Host: And please welcome her challenger. From Atlanta, Georgia, Scott Lange! Scott: [Giving thumbs up to the audience] Let's make some money!!! [The audience applause dies down, as the host's voice turns serious] Host: And now... let's meet our insane panel. All panel members have been certified in state hospitals as clinically insane, possessing one or more known personality disorders. Some possess disorders that have not yet been classified. And now... let's meet the nuts!!! [A curtain opens to reveal four people sitting behind podiums. Cheesy game show music plays. They are all wearing headphones, preventing them from hearing] Host: Crazy Person #1 is a six time mass murderer! [camera pans to Horatio's character, wearing a straightjacket] Recently admitted to the Shady Hills Sanitarium, he was once arrested while holding the severed head of his mother! Please welcome, a cannibal AND a necrophiliac, Mister Hacksaw Rizetti! [audience applauds politely. Hacksaw glares at them coldly.] Host: Crazy Person #2 [camera pans to Will, wearing a wizard's robe and hat] claims to be a wizard from the fourth plane of the mythical world of Asthgaar! Reshaping the Earth and unleashing fiery death from his fingertips are two of his favorite hobbies! Please welcome, the mysterious... Balthazar! [audience applauds loudly. Balthazar shakes his fists at them in triumph] Host: Crazy Person #3 [camera to Jon Stewart, looking completely normal] claims to be a chain of deoxyribonucleic acid, living in the stomach lining of Confederate General Robert E. Lee! His hobbies include reading, rollerblading, and building proteins! Please welcome, a man known only as...DNA Strand B! [audience gives a smattering of applause. DNA Strand B looks confused] Host: And finally.... our Celebrity Crazy Person. [pans to Maya's character] She is a world-renowned singer and songwriter, with eight best selling albums to her credit! And just this past week, she suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown, leading to incoherent television appearances and a suicide attempt! Please welcome, Miss Mariah Carey! [audience applauds wildly. Hoots and cheers from the crowd. Mariah waves timidly] Host: [to the camera] As you all know, the goal on Crack that Nut is to accurately predict how an insane person will answer a given question. Our two contestants have had no prior knowledge of the insane, nor are they insane themselves. And now, lets... [audience yells along with him] Crack! That! Nut! Host: Jennifer, as our returning champion, you pick the first nut. Jennifer: I would like to go with Balthazar, please. [audience applauds] Host: Ok, our first question, for one hundred dollars is... [reading off a notecard] What color is the sky? What color is the sky. Please write down how you think Balthazar will answer this question. [pauses for five seconds as the contestants write on large cards]. Ok, Sheila the Prop Girl, take off Balthazar's headphones. [Sheila walks over and removes his headphones] Host: Hello, Balthazar. Balthazar: And a fine day to you, good sir knight. Host: Balthazar, what color is the sky? Balthazar: [getting worked up] When I unleash death from the skies, it will indeed be awash with the blood of mine enemies! Holy fire shall rain down upon the Earth, and the world shall unite under me! The charred bodies of the unholy will litter the countryside, to be sown by my fieldhands of destruction! Host: Thank you, Balthazar. And contestants, how did you answer? Scott: [holds up his card] I said "blue." I don't know, I just had a gut feeling he would know that one. Host: Sorry Scott. You must be the new guy around here. [he and Jennifer chuckle at Scott's optimism] And Jennifer? Jennifer: [holds up her card] I said "something involving fire." Host: And that is correct! [audience applauds] Way to go, Jennifer. That's one hundred dollars. Pick again! Jennifer: I would like Mariah Carey, please. Host: Very well, Mariah Carey for two hundred dollars! [reads off a card] Her question is... "Who was the first president of the United States?" A little harder, this time. [contestants write their answers] Sheila, take off her headphones. [Sheila removes Mariah's headphones] Host: Hello Mariah. Mariah Carey: [starting to sob] Please don't hit me again. Host: No, Mariah, I'm just going to ask you a question. Mariah Carey: [angrily] I hate you! Stop stalking me! Host: Mariah, who was the first president of the United States? Mariah Carey: [sobbing again] I c..c..can't do this. This is so... hard. Please let me go to sleep. Host: Contestants, she said... Mariah Carey: [interrupting as she stares at the camera] Butterflies. I see little butterflies. Host: [pausing to see if she is done. She appears to be] She said "I can't do this. This is so hard. Let me go to sleep. Butterflies." What did you have? Scott: [holding up his card] I said "Something involving fire." Host: Looks like you were way off, Scott! [chuckle] Jennifer? Jennifer: [holding up her card] I said Ringo Starr. I was pretty sure she was gonna go with one of the Beatles on that one. Host: Sorry, no money for anyone in that round. Scott, it's your turn. Scott: Hacksaw Rizetti, please. [Bells and whistles ring in the studio] Host: Scott, you have picked the Blue Diamond Nut of the Day! [turns to camera] That's right, folks, Blue Diamond provides the best nuts at an affordable price. Pick up a can today. Just a can a week, that's all they ask . [Back to Scott.] This question is worth one thousand dollars, and only you get a crack at it! Hacksaw's question is... "What is the first letter of the alphabet?" [Scott writes on his card.] Sheila, please remove Mr. Rizetti's headset. [Sheila starts towards him. Hacksaw glares at her, licking his lips.] Sheila: Uh... do I have to? Host: Yes, you do. He is in a straightjacket, you're completely safe. [Sheila walks over and quickly removes Hacksaw's headset. He snaps at her with his teeth but can't reach. She scurries away safely.] Host: Hello, Hacksaw. Hacksaw: [looking at Sheila] I can taste her flesh. I want her goodness inside me. Host: Very good, Hacksaw. Hey buddy, what is the first letter of the alphabet? Hawksaw: [struggling with his jacket] C'mon man, cut me loose and we can eat her together! I'll even give you one of her kidneys! Host: Ok, Scott. Let's see your answer. Scott: [holding up his card] Dangit! I said "I am going to kill you and defile your corpse." Host: Oh, so sorry Scott. You were on the right track, though. And now, our final nut in the first round, Mister DNA Strand B. His question, for four hundred dollars, is... "What sport do the New York Yankees play?" [The contestants write their answers as Shiela takes off DNA's headset]. Host: Hello, Mister, uh, B. DNA Strand B: That's actually "Lord" B, not "Mister." I've been knighted. Host: Of course. Lord B, what sport do the New York Yankees play? DNA Strand B: [pausing to think it over] I'm going to say... [takes out a piece of paper and starts writing something down. He appears to be doing a mathematical equation.] I'll say "false." Host: Oh, very clever answer, Lord B. Contestants, what did you say? Jennifer: [holding up her card] I said "twenty-eight." Scott: [hanging his head] I said "The Atlantic Ocean." Host: Very close, both of you, but I'm sorry. And now, it is time for our lightning round! You have been each been given a list of ten questions. Write down your answers now, as to how you think the nuts will answer. And I will randomly call out a nut's name and ask each question in turn. Each correct answer will be worth three hundred dollars. Ready? Set? Then let's play the lightning round! Hawksaw: I want to eat the prop girl!!! Host: Question number one, Mariah Carey, what color is a banana? [Mariah Carey starts shrieking. After five seconds, she slams her face down into the table, silencing herself.] Host: Question number two, Balthazar, how many hours are there in a day? Balthazar: I can't hear you, I cast a silence spell on you, my friend! Host: Question number three, Mariah Carey, what is a toilet for? Mariah Carey: [confused] Why not? Host: Question number four, DNA Strand B, what sound does a duck make? DNA Strand B: Abraham Lincoln. Host: Question number five, Balthazar, what happened to the Titanic? Balthazar: You can't undo a silence spell, my friend! Host: Question number six, Hacksaw Rizetti, what product does Crayola make? Hawksaw: One time I made a suit made out of human skin. Do you know the sound human flesh makes when it is peeled off the bone? Anyway, what I did was... Host: [cutting him off] Question number seven, DNA Strand B, who is the current U.S. President? DNA Strand B: The metric system? Host: Question number eight, Hacksaw Rizetti, what state is Dallas in? Hawksaw: ... after I made the suit of human skin, I wore it when I ate my mother. You should have tasted her, she was delicious, like a ripe eggplant... Host: [cutting him off] Question number nine, Mariah Carey, where is the White House? Mariah Carey: [terrified] No!!! Make it stop!!!! It's devouring my brain!!! [she gets up, running in terror out of the studio] Host: And question number ten, DNA Strand B, how many inches in a foot? DNA Strand B: Well, that's easy. Twelve. Scott: [to host, stunned] Wait a second, he got one right?? DNA Strand B: [confused] Sorry, I thought you asked "What is the capital of Michigan." Host: Well done, crazy people! Contestants, did you get any right? Jennifer: Not even close. Scott: Like hell. This is impossible! Host: Well, that's it for this week. Jennifer Kendall will be back again next week as returning champion. Her total of $100 today gives her a grand total of $400 in four weeks! Congratulations, Jennifer! And folks, come back next week when our celebrity nut will be basketball legend Charles Barkley! If you don't tune in next week, [audience yells along with him], "You must be crazy!" Goodnight everybody! [Host and contestants wave to audience as scene fades out] Rate or review this sketch. |
