|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcer.....Chris Parnell Dick Ebersol.....Will Ferrell Callie.....Ana Gasteyer Tommy.....Tracy Morgan Michael.....Jon Stewart Diggy.....Rachel Dratch Robert Downey Jr.....Chris Kattan Christian Slater.....Jimmy Fallon Paula Poundstone.....Maya Rudolph Robert Blake.....Darrell Hammond O.J. Simpson.....Jerry Minor [We open with a scene of the 'Survivors' jumping off a cliff] Announcer: Are you tired of Survivor and all the other reality shows? [Change to scene of Big Brother cast members sitting around a table] Announcer: Are you in agreement that Big Brother and bloated and boring? [Cut to scene of 'Mole' contestants driving in a car] Announcer: Did you hate the Mole as much as we did? Then you must be as tired as reality television as we are. So what's the cure for reality television blues? Well a new reality television show from NBC of course! This fall we're bringing you to...Death Row! [Show still scene of an electric chair. Cut to Dick Ebersol] Dick Ebersol: It's about time I produce my own damn reality t.v. show! And what better place to have it than prison, on Death Row! [Cut to scene of a group of people in a prison cell eating pizza] Announcer: This could be somebodies last meal...on Death Row! Ten contestants sentenced to die fighting for the ultimate prize...parole! However, only one will win, the other nine are [Cut to scene with a big picture of toasted bread] you guessed it, toast! [Cut to still photo of Callie] There's Callie, the single mom from Oklahoma who swears that putting an ice-pick into her husbands head isn't a real crime at all! [Cut to Tommy] Or Tommy, the pimp from Brooklyn! [Cut to scene where Tommy and Callie are kissing] But when Tommy and Callie fall in love, insanity ensues as one of them must die. Then the love blossoms into a triangle! [Cut to scene with Diggy, who looks like a man...very much like a man. This is not a still photo] Diggy: Look, it ain't my damn fault I fell in love with Callie! If Tommy knows what's good for him he'll get the hell out of my way so I can love my soul mate without trouble! [Cut to a candid scene of the inmates participating in some sort of 'Tribal Council'] Announcer: Watch as week by week the inmates vote each other off as..The Next to Die! [Switch to scene where Tommy is in the electric chair, frying] Whoops! Didn't mean to show that one on t.v.! [Cut to scene with Michael] Michael causes controversy when we find out he smuggled a Slim Jim into the prison! [Cut to scene with Dick Ebersol in prison guard uniform. He is holding a billy club, threatening to beat Michael] Michael: Please! I already ate the Slim Jim, the sins been committed..it's been done! It's over! It's...[Ebersol begins to beat him] Dick Ebersol: I don't want to hear it you sinning sonovabitch! I created you, ffff...[Cut back to candid Death Row scene] Announcer: Now that's what I call television! [Cut to scene with celebrities in a prison cell] Then, stay tuned for a special celebrity Death Row! With Paula Poundstone [Cut to scene with Poundstone talking] Paula Poundstone: You are all bastards! Bastards, bastards, bastards! Announcer: And Christian Slater [cut to scene with Christian Slater and Robert Downey Jr. playing cards] With Robert Downey Jr! And new to prison Robert Blake! [Cut to Robert Blake] Robert Blake: I swear I didn't kill anyone! Especially not my wife! [O.J. Simpson comes into view] O.J. Simpson: Just remember man, if the glove fit, don't you quit! Announcer: And one of the most flamboyant castmembers, Norm Macdonald. We just LOVE Norm here on Death Row [Cut to Norm] Norm MacDonald: What the hell? I committ any crime! Why am I here? I don't want to die! [From off camera a voice yells] Voice: Ebersol's the producer, remember? Norm MacDonald: Oh yeah...damn...that explains it. Announcer: Tune in this fall, to Death Row! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
