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INT. SUBURBAN DINING ROOM WIFE is sitting at the table reading a magazine as her HUSBAND walks in from the backyard, angerily. WIFE What's wrong? I thought you were going to mow the lawn. HUSBAND Well I was but there's like a little gnome out there. WIFE A what? HUSBAND A gnome! WIFE What do you mean a gnome? HUSBAND I don't know. It's some creepy demonic goblin or something. I tried spraying it with some chemicals and it frickin' cursed me! WIFE What? Like saying fuck or something? HUSBAND No!! The little bastard put a curse on me! WIFE Well that's not good. HUSBAND I don't know what to do about it. He already turned the dog into a toilet. WIFE Well we could use another one. HUSBAND That's not the point. There's a gnome in the backyard! WIFE Well don't Gina and Maurice next door have a gnome? HUSBAND No. WIFE Well what's that little person always running around their house? HUSBAND That's their son! WIFE Oh. HUSBAND I wonder if I could weed whack it. WIFE Maybe it thinks you're after it's pot of gold. HUSBAND That's a frickin' leprechaun! WIFE Well, I don't know anything about these things! I never took "Killing Gnomes 101" in college. HUSBAND (looking out the window) Oh for Christ's sake! He turned my tool shed into an aligator. WIFE Well that will make up for the dog. HUSBAND That's it! That gnome's gonna get it! The husband walks back out into the backyard. WIFE Honey, be careful! The wife goes to the window to watch the offscreen action. HUSBAND (OS) Alright. Look here gnome! This is my backyard! Go back under your bridge or Alaska or where ever you came from! If you think you can just walk in here and AHHHH! WIFE Oh my God! The husband walks back in as a little white mouse. The wife goes down to the floor and picks him up. WIFE Honey. Is that you? HUSBAND/MOUSE (VO) (squeaky voice) Gimme some cheese! Black out. Rate or review this sketch. |
