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Alex Trebek: Welcome to the second round of Celebrity Jeopardy. Sadly the Studio Audience didn't have a noose with them so we must continue. Richard Hatch you have -$13,000. Richard Hatch: It's just my strategy see. I formed an alliance with my buzzer. I don't think Norm or Dennis are playing the game to well. I mean Dennis' first guess didn't really sit well with me. That's not how you play the game. You have to form alliances and- Alex Trebek: I long to shoot you. Norm Macdonald you have $0. (Norm stares chewing his gum) Norm! Norm! Norm we need you to pick a roulette number. (Norm suddenly wakes up) Norm MacDonald: 13. Alex Trebek: I'm saddened you're not dead. Dennis Miller you have -$3,400. Dennis Miller: Now Alex, I don't want to get off on a rant here- Alex Trebek: I don't want you to either. The categories are- Potent Potables, Game Shows named Jeopardy, Football Leagues called NFL, Weekend Update Anchors named Dennis Miller, Countries whose first two words are United States and 5+2=7. In that category you must say what 5 and 2 add up too. Norm you go first. (Norm stares aimlessly) Norm since I think you're dead we'll go to Richard Hatch. Richard Hatch: Now, Alex what should my strategy be? If I go with WU Anchors named Dennis, would Norm feel threatened? What would Dennis think if I went with 5+2=7. I'm still trying to figure out who I can trust? Dennis or Norm. Alex Trebek: Survivor ended a long time ago. We'll pick Weekend Update Anchors Named Dennis Miller for $100. The question- This WU anchor is named Dennis Miller. (Dennis buzzes in) Dennis Miller: What is up with people talking on the cellular phones. I'm driving down on the road and this (bleeped out) driver is going Yak-yak-yak. Does he hate me? Listen, you ass- (buzzer rings) Alex Trebek: Don't you have a football game to call? (Richard buzzes in) Richard Hatch: I'm not sure Jeff. If I guess Dennis Miller, I think Norm will feel threatened by me. I don't want that. Dennis was looking a little scared at me I, as was Norm. Right now, I'll guess what sounds best. Tina Fey. Alex Trebek: I now understand why the cops took your kids away. Norm would you like to venture a guess? (After a couple minutes Norm tunes in) Norm MacDonald: Uhhh, I'll take crack whores. Alex Trebek: I'm surprised you're not dead. Norm it's you're board. Norm MacDonald: People get raped in jails. Alex Trebek: I hope one day you're one of them. I'll pick 5+2=7 for $200. 5+2= what. (Dennis buzzes in) Dennis Miller: I don't know why stupid ass-faces think that just because they have their little cell phones.. (buzzer rings) Alex Trebek: That made no sense just like you on Monday Night Football. Richard Hatch: I was thinking it over and I really wasn't pleased the way Dennis answered that last question. His strategy is very intriguing. Alex Trebek: Please go back to Borneo. Since I'm sure Norm is thinking of a crack whore named OJ Simpson getting raped, I'll pick Countries whose first two words are United States. My bonus clue is that the last two words are of America. (Norm buzzes in) Norm MacDonald: Uhhhh, you guessed it Frank Stallone. Alex Trebek: Don Ohlemeyer was right. (To producers): Are you sure you didn't bring a noose. (Dennis buzzes in) Dennis Miller: Canada called, they want you back. Alex Trebek: I hope you soon figure out why everyone hates you. I'm afraid to ask but Richard care to vote? Richard Hatch: I'm thinking of strategies Alex. Alex Trebek: Elisabeth is better and really hot. Richard Hatch: The problem with Elisabeth- Alex Trebek: I long for a gun. Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. The question was originally going to be- What Did You Have For Breakfast but that seemed to hard. Here's the new one. Draw anything. (Couple minutes later) Alex Trebek: I'm standing here with Richard Hatch who has disrobed himself. Richard Hatch: I'm very comfortable- Alex Trebek: Before I choke you - what did you draw? (Richard holds up a piece of paper like from Survivor) Richard Hatch: I voted for Dennis because it seems like he had the better strategy and was more of a threat. Alex Trebek: Die please. You wagered- (It starts to show- it turns out Richard drew himself naked. Before any bad things get shown) I long to be on Survivor, so I can get far, far away on you people. (He goes over to Norm who is sleeping) Norm!!! Norm MacDonald: Uh hey homeless guy. Alex Trebek: I guess you didn't write anything. (To Dennis) Dennis what did you draw? (Dennis' board shows a long winding rant on the fact there's too many commercials) Dennis Miller: I'm sorry I only used the F-word 6 times. Hey Richard, Dirk Diggler called- Alex Trebek: You shock, sadden and amaze me with your stupidity. You all lost and you make me love the feeling of having a gun in my mouth. Rate or review this sketch. |
