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Mailman.....Jon Stewart Mr. Clydesdale.....Will Ferrell Mrs. Peterman.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on exterior, luxury apartment building - front door of the building in the center of the set to the back, mailboxes to the right. Steve the Mailman is filling the mailboxes. ] Mr. Clydesdale: Hey, Steve. Mailman: Hey, how ya doing, Mr. Clydesdale? Mr. Clydesdale: Ah, not so good. Just had a fight with the wife upstairs. Mailman: Hate to see that happen to a good guy like you. Mr. Clydesdale: Well, thanks. Any mail for me today? Mailman: Just a second, let me check my bag.. [ pulls out some envelopes ] Here ya go, looks to me like it's just a bunch of bills. [ hands over the letters ] Mr. Clydesdale: [ looking through them ] Yeah, just bills.. electric.. gas.. phone.. [ reads bill ] I am gonna kill my daughter! Look at the amount of this phone bill! [ shows bill to Mailman ] Mailman: Ah, kids. What are ya gonna do? Mr. Clydesdale: I am so mad right now! Mailman: Hey, hold on, I got something in here that'll cheer you up, wait.. [ pulls magazine out of his mail bag ] Here ya go.. it's Old Man Anderson's copy of Barely Legal. [ hands it to Mr. Clydesdale ] Mr. Clydesdale: [ confused ] You're.. you're giving me someone else's mail? Mailman: Ah, he's 90 years old - he should be reading Barely Alive! [ laughs ] Mr. Clydesdale: [ laughs along while flipping through the magazine ] Oh, man, look at these honeys! Oh, yeahhhh.. Mailman: My treat to you! Let's see what else we got in here.. [ leafs through his mailbag ] Well, well, well.. Mrs. Taylor-Brigham in 218 received her package from the Panty-of-the-Month Club.. let's just take us a look. [ opens package, pulls out panty ] Leopard-print. Nice. Mr. Clydesdale: Hey, why are you opening her package? Mailman: Postal regulation, believe me. You wanna give this to your wife? Mr. Clydesdale: Good Lord, no! First of all, she'd be suspicious. Secondly, I'm still mad at her. Mailman: That's alright, I'll keep it. [ shoves the panty into his jacket pocket ] Mr. Clydesdale: I didn't know you were married. Mailman: I'm not. But I happen to think I look good in leopard-print, okay? You got a problem with it? Mr. Clydesdale: No, no problem.. Mailman: Alright. Now, hide that magazine before anyone sees you with it. Save it for the bathroom, like everyone else. Mr. Clydesdale: Good thinking.. [ shoves the magazine under his shirt ] Well, I'd better get going. Mailman: Wait. You wanna see the pictures from Mrs. Peterman's vacation in the Bahamas? Mr. Clydesdale: Uh.. I don't think that's such a good idea.. Mailman: What, is she coming? Mr. Clydesdale: Well.. yeah! [ Mrs. Peterman walks up ] Mailman: Mrs. Peterman! So good to see you! I got a fresh load of mail for you today. Mrs. Peterman: Can it, worm. I'm not interested in making small talk with you. Mailman: Hey, now, that's no way to talk to the guy who just delivered your pictures from the Bahamas. Mrs. Peterman: [ stern ] How did you know I went to the Bahamas? I didn't tell anyone I went to the Bahamas! Were you looking at my pictures?! Mailman: Ah, just making sure the right photos are delivered to the right occupant. By the way, we both enjoyed the shot of you posing nude on Cutlass Bay. Mr. Clydesdale: No! I didn't see anything, I wasn't looking! Mrs. Peterman: [ to Mailman ] First thing tomorrow morning, I am stomping on down to the Post Office to have you fired! [ walks away ] Mailman: Geez, what a bitch. Mr. Clydesdale: You've got that right. So, I guess you're not going to be our mailman any more? Mailman: [ thinking ] Nah, I guess not.. [ pause ] Hey, let me read you this letter from college from the O'Brien kid to her dad.. [ pulls out letter ] "Dear Dad: Just a note to let you and Mom know that I'm getting married. Please don't be alarmed, but he's Jewish.." Mr. Clydesdale: [ laughing ] Oh, that's great, Fred's going to have a coronary! Keep reading, keep reading! Mailman: Okay, okay.. "We're both dropping out of school after this semester to join the Peace Corps.." [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
