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Chris Rock.....Jimmy Fallon Pee Wee Herman.....Jon Stewart Rupaul.....Tracy Morgan Director.....Chris Parnell Bob Dole.....Norm Macdonald John Wayne Bobbit.....Darrell Hammond Harry Carry.....Will Ferrell John Goodman.....Horatio Sanz Super: For years now, the Vagina Monologues has been one of Broadways best plays. Now, we bring you, the Penis Monologues. [Show bumper saying "The Penis Monologues".] [Open in a dimly lit room with Chris Rock] Chris Rock: It is apparent that the penis of the black man is much more colossal than that of a white man. Why you ask, well because the black man is defined by his penis! We need our penises to remain true to our race. Now a white man has a dinky penis that couldn't produce enough energy to power a small light bulb. And Asians, well they couldn't power even one of Dick Cheney's pace makers. [Switch to the same room with Pee Wee Herman] Pee Wee Herman: Little Pee Wee loves his playhouse, which just happens to be my hand! I am a master of my own playhouse...ooh hoo hoo hoo! I go coo coo when I can't touch you know who for more than...ten minutes! Ah ha ha! They may have caught me once, but they won't catch me again! [Switch now to Rupaul] Rupaul: [Looking offstage] Hey baby, wanna dance! [Giggles] Director: Tell us about your penis. Rupaul: Honey, I ain't got one! Director: Sir, don't lie, we're paying you good money to do this. Rupaul: Honey I'd love to have you, right here, right now! Mmmm-hmmm! Director: Please sir... Rupaul: Sir? Honey I think you're confused! I ain't been a 'Sir' for years. [Switch to Bob Dole who sits silently while time wastes] Director: Mr. Dole, please tell us about your penis. Bob Dole: Bob Dole doesn't mind telling you that his penis is broken, it has been broken for many years now. Bob Dole has been ridiculed by his peers and called such names as "Ed" and "Dickless". However none of this has bothered me. Bob Dole is here today to talk to you about a miracle product called viagra, and a miracle it truly is! Director: That's enough. [Cut to John Wayne Bobbit] Bobbit: What do you people want from me? Director: Please, tell us about your penis. Bobbit: What the hell is this? Is this your idea of a sick joke? Director: Wait, I'm sorry mister Bobbit, we cast you for the wrong special. You were supposed to appear on "So, You Lost Your Penis", a show about coping with penis loss. Sorry. [Cut to Harry Carry] Harry Carey: You know, sometimes I'd like to load my penis up with mustard, put it in a bun and eat it up like a hotdog! It does kind of look like a hotdog... Director: Aren't you dead? I could have sworn you died! Harry Carey: Don't patronize me! But wouldn't you eat your penis if you could? I mean if you ran out of hotdogs? [Cut to John Goodman] Director: Talk to us about your most prized possession. John Goodman: If you're talking about my penis, I haven't seen it in years, so you might as well give up on me. Director: Really? Not in years? John Goodman: [A tear runs down his face] I miss my penis. Director: How would you like to be paid double? We have a show running later today called "So, You Lost Your Penis: How to Cope". [Cut to Lorne Michaels] Director: Mr. Michaels, tell me about your penis. Lorne: I could have you rubbed out like an old stain. Director: Please Mr. Michaels, I was in no way trying to offend you. Lorne: Thanks for trying, but I think I'll still have you killed. Director: That'll do Mr. Michaels, thanks for coming. Lorne: Oh, it was my pleasure. [Cut back to a black screen] Super: Next week on the Penis Monologues, Haley Joel Osment. [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
