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NBC Page.....Maya Rudolph Bill.....Jon Stewart Bill's Wife.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on exterior hallway, Studio 8H ] [ SUPER: February 11th, 1990.. 1 a.m. ] [ NBC Page opens the doors to the SNL studio, and helps the night's studio audience exit the building after the show. She makes light conversation with the audience members to see how they enjoyed the show - reactions are mixed, until Bill appears. ] NBC Page: How did you like the show, sir? Bill: Oh, God, it sucked! I mean, Quincy Jones?! What the hell were you people thinking?! I didn't laugh once! NBC Page: Well, Mr. Jones wanted to do something a little different with the show tonight.. Bill: Yeah, like making it not be funny! You know, I send in my postcards every August, hoping I'll be selected to attend a taping, and this is the thanks I get! NBC Page: I'm sorry, sir. Bill: Oh, you couldn't have selected me for next week, when Tom Hanks is hosting! Oh, no! That show is guaranteed to be funny! Instead, I get Quincy freakin' Jones! NBC Page: There's nothing wrong with Quincy Jones, sir.. Bill: [ mimicking Quincy ] "Oh, I lied - I don't really want to be here! Nelson Mandela is free!" Who the hell cares!! NBC Page: Sir, if you could just move along.. Bill: Hey! I think Gary Coleman's getting out of jail next week - let's waste a monologue about that! NBC Page: Okay, sir, that's enough.. Just send your postcard in next August, and maybe you'll be selected for a better show. Bill: Oh, I hope so.. I really hope so.. [ exits studio still complaining ] Maybe if Toonces drove Quincy over the cliff... [ screen flickers out until it returns to the same studio doors one year later ] [ SUPER: April 20th, 1991.. 1 a.m. ] [ NBC Page opens the doors to the SNL studio, and helps the night's studio audience exit the building after the show. She makes light conversation with the audience members to see how they enjoyed the show - reactions are again mixed, until Bill appears. ] NBC Page: What did you think of the show, sir? Bill: [ gritting his teeth ] Don't get me started.. NBC Page: You didn't like it? Bill: [ outraged ] Steven Seagal?! Steven Seagal?! Who the hell around here thought Steven Seagal could be funny? Greenpeace Photographer?! Oh, man, I'm not gonna be able to go to sleep, all this laughter inside of me's gonna keep me up all night.. NBC Page: Sir? Bill: I'm being sarcastic!! Alright?! This show was NOT funny!! NBC Page: Alright, sir, if you could just move along.. Bill: Oh, yeah, nice impression of Andrew "Dice" Clay, Steven! Yeah, that looked convincing! [ starts to walk off ] I don't know why I bother sending my postcard to you idiots.. [ screen flickers out until it appears on interior, Bill's kitchen, Bill eating breakfast as his wife sorts the mail ] [ SUPER: August, 1994 ] Bill's Wife: Honey! I think you finally received tickets to "Saturday Night Live"! Bill: [ not interested ] Really. Bill's Wife: Come on, honey, open it up! Don't let Quincy Jones and Steven Seagal ruin your feelings for the show. Bill: Alright.. [ grabs the envelope ] Let's see how they screwed me over this time.. [ pulls out the tickets ] Hmm.. Musical Guest: Bon Jovi. Bill's Wife: Oh, that sounds like a good show! Who's the host? Bill: Let's see.. Deion Sanders. Bill's Wife: He's the football player, right? Bill: Yeah. Bill's Wife: You don't look too happy. Is something wrong? Bill: He's a sports star. Bill's Wife: So? Bill: Oh, come on! You saw that Nancy Kerrigan episode with me a few months ago. Bill's Wife: Honey, she still had a busted knee. I'll bet it's harder to be funny when your knee's out of alignment. Bill: Well.. maybe so.. Bill's Wife: Look, go to the show, have a wonderful time. Don't let the host bother you. You're there for the comedy. Bill: [ thinking ] You're probably right. Bill's Wife: I'm sure I am. Bill: Guess I'd better get to work. See you tonight, honey. [ kisses his wife ] Bill's Wife: See you tonight! [ Bill exits, as she stands up to address the camera ] Hi, I'm Ana Gasteyer. You're probably wondering what became of Bill's trip to New York to see Deion Sanders host "Saturday Night Live". Well, as usual, he complained about it. He said that every sketch had Deion either playing himself, or rapping. He was furious, yet he continued to mail in his postcard every August, hoping for a chance to see a show hosted by John Goodman or Christopher Walken. But it never happened. Finally, in August of 2000, Bill received another set of tickets to the show. Unfortunately, the show that was selected for him turned out to be hosted by Tom Green. Bill shot himself immediately. My point is: "Saturday Night Live" will always have hosts that don't meet every audience's needs, but don't let it stop you from enjoying the performances of the regular cast. Sure, there will always be gimmick hosts like Quincy Jones or Steven Seagal, but don't let it push you over the edge. Instead, keep sending your postcards in every August, and maybe you'll be invited to the studios to watch your favorite performer host the show. Oh, sure, we'll have a gimmick host this year, but we'll try and get it over with on the first show. We're trying to get Mariah Carey, even if she is in an insane asylum. You can't get more gimmicky than that! Thanks for indulging us! [ Music Out: "The Show Must Go On", Leo Sayer ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
