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The scene opens in a busy office. People clicking away on computers. People on the phone. Similar to a boiler room operation in the middle of wall street. On the wall is a sign which reads www.toothfairy.com and a sign on the other side which reads "1-800-toothfairy". During the course of the sketch, people are answering the phone, toothfairy.com. There is constant phone ringing and chatter in the office during entire sketch. Office staff should ad-lib different sounds of excitement on phones. Everyone is dressed sloppily. Jeans, sneakers, shorts, hats backwards. Halitosis: (ON PHONE) What do you mean there was no tooth. Go back there, Do you HEAR ME??? I don't care if you have to pull one, do NOT leave without a tooth.. Office Staff: I got little Jimmy on line one. Halitosis: I got it..(picks up phone)..Yeah, Jimmy…NO, I told you it's a dollar for incisors, two dollars for molars. NO, No way.. Unless they are gold capped there is no way you are getting 2.50 out of me, now good bye Jimmy…. go to bed…. AND, don't stay up all night trying to catch a glimpse of the tooth fairy. I said, NO…I'm warning you. Root Canal: (Comes into the room with a dental instrument with a bloody tooth in it, out of breath, clothes disheveled, looking like he'd been in a huge fight.) I got it. He put up a fight but I got the sucker. Look at it. It's a beauty. A full size Molar…Little bastard put up a struggle. Halitosis: Are you sure that's from a child? It looks rather large. Root Canal: Er, uh, of course. Uh, why wouldn't it be? What do you care? It's a molar. It counts. Halitosis: Good point. (HALITOSIS gets a board that says New Fairy Wings contest…Number of teeth delivered………) OK, That's 16 for you, you are running away with this contest, I gotta hand it to you. Root Canal: (evil laugh)…I'll be back with more…What are wisdom teeth worth? Halitosis: (YELLS) THERE ARE NO WISDOM TEETH ALLOWED….KIDS DON”T HAVE WISDOM TEETH.. Root Canal: OK, relax…Geez… Office Staff: (LOUDLY)…WHAT?? GOLD PLATED? HALITOSIS, ROOT CANAL and two other people dive for the phone…. There is a knock at the door. Enter Man dressed in fairy wings..Looking around… Dad: SON? Is that you? Halitosis: DAD? Dad: Son…Good to see you. What is going on here? Halitosis: Business is soaring Dad. We are Global now. Office Staff: (yell from back) WE JUST GOT SOMALIA…(everyone cheers, high fives, dances) Halitosis: Somalia? Great…With the malnutrition there, they will be loosing teeth like crazy. We have to expand. (picks up phone) Yeah…Call Human Resources, get an ad out immediately. We need more fairies. Dad: What have you done? What happened to the picture of Periodontees? Halitosis: I hung our teeth incentive board over it. Business is booming…We got the IPO in process, the e-commerce website is up and running, We are ISO 9000 compliant, , margins are rocketing. Did you see us on CNN last week? Look at this place.. Dad: Now you listen to me. This is out of control. This is not what the tooth fairy is all about? You come from a long line of tooth fairies. Your Great great great great grandfather Periodontees was the first. He had to walk to kids homes. Carrying heavy bags of nickels, uphill in the snow, sometimes walking backwards, on broken glass to deliver the nickels to all the little Jimmy's and Alice's of the world. He spent countless hours perfecting the art of pixie dust…. Building hand carved wings…. He was a pioneer... And his son, Gingivitious took over and carried the long tradition of tooth faries. I am the sixth generation and you my son, Halitosis, are the seventh son of the seventh son. It is written in the prophesies of fairydom that you will be the last of the tooth fairies. It must be true because you are not married and there doesn't seem to be any chance you giving me any grandchildren. Halitosis: Dad…I AM a Fairy….Remember? Dad: Right….It has a different meaning now a days…Do not destroy the tradition which has been in our family for centuries. Halitosis: Destroy it? Dad, I am turning into a corporate empire. We are up to over 50,000 fairies worldwide. Look at this place. It's buzzing with business. Dad: But, you don't look like fairies? Where are the wings? Halitosis: It's casual Friday. We can't dress that way everyday. Don't worry, we have a closet full just in case customers come in. Dad: I don't like it. It's just wrong. It goes against the tradition. Halitosis: That reminds me Dad. Your deliveries of teeth is way below the standard quota. Dad: What are you saying? Halitosis: Well, honestly speaking. You're not pulling your teeth around here. I am making you a candidate for early retirement. I'll have human resources contact you with the details. Dad: This is an outrage…..Your Grandfather must be turning in his cloud. I can't believe you would do this? Root Canal: (running in, holding a full set of teeth) LOOK…THE JACKPOT !! Halitosis: Those are dentures…Where did you get those… Root Canal: They were just sitting there in a glass of water. Very funny tasting water, I might add. Halitosis: YOU IDIOT…That doesn't count. Bring those back. Dad: Who was that? Halitosis: That was Root Canal. He is a real pain. (everyone in background says “ba dum bum”) Gets on my NERVE. (everyone: Ba dum bum). It takes three visits to get him out of the way. (everyone: Ba dum bum). Dad: So this is it for me. The end of the road. The prophecy was right. The tooth fairy is no more. Oh great Periodontees, I bow to you. For I am the last of the tradition. Root Canal: (running back in) I'm getting really tired of all this teeth pulling….. I Don't get it. Why do we have to go through all this work. Why can't the parents just leave the money under the pillow? (There is a huge gasp in the room, the phones stop ringing, the computers stop clicking. There is a sudden silence, then a pen drops) Halitosis: WHAT did you say? Do you realize what that would mean? We would be gone forever. Doomed, along with Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Great Pumpkin. Kids stopped believing in them, but they still believe in the tooth fairy. If you EVER say that again, you will be sent to the chamber. Where you will be pulverized into a pile of pixie dust. Root Canal: OK, Relax little man. Sorry…I'll go now…HEY…Do animal teeth count? Halitosis: NO… Dad: So this is it. This is what you have become. My son, my dear son. Do not let the world of wealth, fame and power destroy your heritage. Stay poor, and deliver the teeth to the great cloud in the sky. You will see that the truth will set you free. Halitosis: (paying no attention to Dad, while writing) OK, here it is DAD, you're buyout figure, The retirement proposal. I don't think I forgot anything. Dad: You mean, this is what I get if I leave? Halitosis: Yes, and this (turns the page) is what you get every year until you die. Dad: (rips his wings off) Well, then so much for tradition. Halitosis: (yelling to the back) OK, back to work. Dad: (whispers to the audience , so HALITOSIS can't hear) I neglected to tell him…Fairies never die…(chuckle) (he turns to leave, but comes back as if he forgot to say something important) Oh yes…Before I go…..If there are any children out there tonight, references to the non-existence of Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny were only made to create a flow in this dramatic piece, Any and all opinions relating to the existence of legendary figures do not reflect, in any way, the opinion of Saturday Night Live, Channel 4 or any of it's subsidiaries. No animals were harmed during the making of this production. Teeth seen during this performance were props, and the producers have not performed any illegal dental operations at any time during the rehearsals, except for one time, which, if you were here you would know, it was HER fault….Well, any way. Good night, and may you always believe in the tooth fairy. Rate or review this sketch. |
