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Jennefer Patterson.....Jon Stewart Clarissa Dickson Wright.....Darrell Hammond (Theme comes on. shows footage of them driving around the english countryside in they're two seated motorcycle. Setting takes place in kitchen.They have english dialects."Food Network" emblem appears at bottom right hand corner of screen) Jennefer: Hello and welcome to Two Fat Ladies. I am Jennefer Patterson (She looks cross-eyed because of her thick glasses) Clarissa: And I am Clarissa Dickson Wright. Jennefer: I'm starving, Clarissa! What will we be preparing today? Clarissa: Well, I tell you by jove,it will be a yummy treat, indeed! Jennefer: Oh, do tell! Do tell! Clarissa: Sheep kidney stew. Jennefer: Oh yummy! Clarissa: This happens to be one of my favorites, mind you. Jennefer: Mine, too! Clarissa: Shall I get the kidneys? Jennefer: Oh, pray do! And I'll get the snails, the lettuce, and the ketchup. (they retrieve their ingrediants from the cabinets) Clarissa: Don't forget the gallon of butter! Jennefer: My stars, you're right! Clarissa: Now, the first thing you do when making your sheep kidney stew is that you set them on the cutting board,and dice them directly in half. (she demonstrates) you want to they're hard,or they're no good. Jennefer: That's right as rain! Clarissa: What will you be preparing for dessert, Jennefer? Jennefer: Oh, you're going to love it! ...Chocolate covered snails dipped in ketchup and Cheerios. Clarissa: Oh, I can't wait! I simply must have a taste! Jennefer: You surely will, by jove! Clarissa: Now, why is it, do you think, that yanks and scotts don't indulge theirselves like we do? Jennefer: I don't know, we must be more sophisticated and open to things! Clarissa: Maybe! Jennefer: They don't eat big breakfasts like we do. Clarissa: I know! But there's nothing I like more, than to wake up on a cold wintery morn' and indulge myself into eight stacks of pancakes. Jennefer: Eight stacks? Are you on a diet? Clarissa: You little weasel! Don't even say that word! (they laugh) Jennefer: You cheeky monkey! Clarissa: (turns to camera) Wonderful. Now I'll need to get the skillet. After you've cut the kydneys,you must place them in a frying pan. Then get six eggs,break them(she does so),and pour them on each kydney. Make sure you don't get any shells in....Oh ,shells never hurt anybody(she putts shells in the skillet) Jennefer: Do you smell that? Clarissa: It smells lovely! Jennefer: By jove I love that smell! Clarissa: Yes! it smells absolutely fabulous! Jennefer: That smells purely delicious Clarissa: Delicious indeed! Jennefer: Wonderful. A wonderul little stench. Jennefer: Indeed. Well, the first thing to do when making your chocolate covered snails dipped in ketchup and Cheerios is to retrieve your snails. Clarissa: Yes! Jennefer and I went snail hunting at the beach a few days ago and had ourselves a cricket of a time! (they both start laughing) Jennefer: Yes! You tried to bend over to get a wee little snail,but you were so fat you fell ass first into the wet,rocky sand! Clarissa: That's right! I had quite a few blisters on my bum after that! Jennefer: You couldn't sit down for the longest time! Clarissa: And I swear every time I broke wind it felt like I was passing cannon balls! Jennefer: I remember! It was so funny hearing you on the pot that I plum-near soiled myself! (they keep laughing) Clarissa: That wasn't because of my fall! I was constipated,you dope! Jennefer: Oh! Well,it was still a riot! Clarissa: OOh! That smell! (they stop laughing) Jennefer: Such a wonderfull smell! Clarissa: I can't wait to dig in! I promise you that I could eat my weight in sheep kydneys! Jennefer: I bet you could! I bet you could! Clarissa: Anyway...now it's time for the butter.(She picks up a giant pitcher full of melted butter and pours all of it in the skillet.it splashes everywhere) Jennefer: Lovely,lovely smell. Clarissa: (She takes a deep breath) I love to marinade my lungs in that lovely aroma! But now to make it pretty,you may want to put a touch of parsley,and some flower petals,if you wish. Jennefer: Now,back to the snails. When you have you desired amount,put them in a bowl like this one (holds it up items as she calls them),and get you Hershy's syrup and squirt it atop the snails like so. Then get you ketchup,and squirt,like the syrup,atop the snails. Then get you Cheerios. And pour a heaping aount on like so. When you're finished,get a pan,(holds up pan) and pour everything into it. (she does so)Then...you have dessert! Clarissa: No baking required! That's what I love about it! Jennefer: That...and the smell!! Clarissa: Yes! The smell! Ahh! ...Well,let's move onto something else,what do you say,Jennefer? Jennefer: Prey do! Clarissa: Alright then! Next, I think I would like to prepare fried pigs feet,how about you,Jennefer? Jennefer: I thought I would prepare peanut butter cock-roack cookies! Clarissa: Lovely! Lovely indeed! Jennefer: Yes! Clarissa: If you're going to do this,you'll need your skillet and your pigs feet handy. I'm going to turn the burner to about 375 degrees. Jennefer: This will be magnificent! Clarissa: (turns to talk to audience) There are many things you'll learn when you watch us. Many of the finest,richest,and most delicious things in life,you will most likely find watching this show,and we'll be here to show you all the tricks,and all the ingrediants there are to make a terrific dinner party. Jennefer: Oh! My stars,Clarissa! Look down! (She does.Her right breast is laying in the skillet cooking) Clarissa: OH! My breast! ...Jennefer help me! (Jennefer gets a spachula and runs over to Clarissa.) (They both pause) Jennefer: What a wonderful smell! Clarissa: Yes! It is,isn't it? Quite scrumtious! Jennefer: Very delicious,indeed! Clarissa: Jennefer! A little help,please! My breast is burnung off! Jennefer: Oh yes! Right! (she uses the spachula and pries Clarissa'a breast off the skillet) Clarissa: Oh thank you,Jenefer! For a moment there I thought I was going to lose one of my melons! Jennefer: You're surely welcome! Clarissa: ...It was a wonderful smell,wasn't it?! Jennefer: To die for! Clarissa: Yes indeed! But now(looks at watch)...oh drat! Jennefer: What,Clarissa? Clarissa: We're out of time! Well,join us next week when we show you how to prepare barbequed fish heads and spider pie! Jennefer: Goodbye! Clarissa: Toodles! Hmm...that smell! JENEFER- Such a wonderful smell! (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
