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Scientist 1.....Jon Stewart Scientist 2.....Chris Parnell George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Male Alien.....Darrell Hammond Female Alien.....Rachel Dratch Richard Simmons.....Jimmy Fallon [Scene: 140 miles north of Las Vegas, inside the top secret Area 51 air force base.] Scientist 1: Alright Mr. President, do you want to remove the blindfold now? George W. Bush: Are we there yet? Scientist 1: Yes sir we're there. George W. Bush: Alright.[Scientist 2 removes blindfold] Hey save that, I want to wear it on the way out too. Scientist 1: Sir, as I mentioned before it's not necessary... George W. Bush: Man, that's what everybody says about everything I do. Pollution isn't necessary, missile defense isn't necessary, biological weapons aren't necessary, now blindfolds aren't [making quotes with fingers] necessary. Well, my dad's president so you have to do what I say. Scientist 1: You're the president sir. George W. Bush: [thinks hard for a moment] Exactly, and don't u forget it.[Gives scientist a menacing glare.] Scientist 2: Mr. President why don't we let you take a look at the some of the aliens now. George W. Bush: Goodie. [pan over to area with a plexiglass tube like structure containing two standard aliens.] Scientist 2: Alright Mr. President we've placed a couple of aliens in this holding cell so you can observe them. We captured this male and female trying to break into Barbara Streisand's place. [George W. presses face to holding cell wall.] George W. Bush: So these are the guys you said were from outer space? Scientist 1: Yes sir. George W. Bush: That's where the moon lives, right? Scientist 1: Uhhh...yes sir. George W. Bush: Sweet. [Begins shaking holding cell.] C'mon you little ba******, FIGHT! Scientist 1: Uh Mr. President could you not do that, you're frightening them. George W. Bush: Poop. Hey, when you guys are done autopsying these critters, any chance you can send the heart over the White House. You know, for the Dickmeister. Scientist 2: Actually sir, replacing Mr. Chenney's heart with an alien heart wouldn't be possible because alien physiology is totally different from human physiology. George W. Bush: [squinting his eyes pensively] I see, so they have very different Psycology eh? Scientist 1: [brief pause] Yes sir. Scientist 2: Perhaps you'd like to move on sir. George W. Bush: Sure thing. [camera follows the trio as they walk. George W. looks back towards other holding cell and makes bull horns sign with hand. Shouts to offstage.] Don't mess with Texas! [holding cell with Richard Simmons enters into view] George W. Bush: [presses face to glass] Hey, what's this. Scientist 1: No Mr. President... [Richard Simmons kisses glass where George W.'s face is. George W. recoils in terror.] Scientist 1: Sorry Mr. President, that's Richard Simmons. We should have warned u about that. He was inadvertently captured the same night as the other two. Our agents mistook him for an alien. Scientist 2: I was so sure. Scientist 1: You have to stop beating yourself up over it. George W. Bush: Hey, what about his heart? Scientist 1: Uhh, no sir. Sorry. Actually sir, we're gonna wipe his memory and return him home. George W. Bush: Alright. Well you got my number if you change your mind. [rubs thumb and forefingers together] Scientist 2: Now moving over to the artifacts. [Pan over to table containing several futuristic devices.] George W. Bush: Wow, what's this? Scientist 1: That is an alien rifle sir. George W. Bush: Cool. Can you kill deer with it? Scientist 2: Actually sir, one shot from that gun could probably reduce a herd of 30 deer to ash. George W. Bush: Say what you will about those aliens, but damn they know how to hunt. Hey, what's this? Scientist 2: That sir is an anal probe. George W. Bush: Gross. Why'd u keep it? [George W. looks at them and squints his eyes. Awkward pause.] Scientist 2: For research purposes of course. George W. Bush: [leans over to Scientist 1.] Hey be careful. While u're working on a mission to Mars I think the other guy is working on sending a probe to Uranus.[smiles innocently as he resumes normal posture.] Scientist 1: Well sir, I think you've seen enough. [Scientist 2 goes to blindfold George W. again. George W. nervously shakes his head.] George W. Bush: Hold it. I nearly forgot. Jenna wanted me to pick up some stuff at the gift shop. You guys got any of that Romulan Ale? Scientist 1: No sir.[ushering George W. off screen.] George W. Bush: How about a couple of 40 ouncers and some pointy ears? [exit scientists and George W. Brief pause. Red lights begin flashing.] Computer voice: Warning, warning. Security breach detected. [enter male and female alien. Male picks up gun and waves it back and forth before male and female alien exit scene. Enter Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons picks up anal probe, waves it back and forth and exits scene.] [fade out.] Rate or review this sketch. |
