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Regis Philbin.....Darrell Hammond Ezekiel Puti.....Will Ferrell Ezekiel's wife.....Rachel Dratch Audience member.....Chris Kattan Fransisco Lopez.....Horatio Sanz Juno Escarcevega.....Chris Parnell Regis Philbin: Hello and welcome to "Who Wants To Win A Green Card"! I'm Regis Philbin. If you tuned in last week, then you would know one of our lucky contestants, Mr. Pedro Martinez from Puerto Rico, walked away from the show with a real, 100% genuine green card for citizenship right here in the United States. Now he's able to fufill his life-long dream...becoming a New York city cab driver! Congrats, Pedro! We're all happy for you and wish you the best. Now, on to the show. With us today are brand new contestants, who are ready and willing to get into the sacred hot seat for a chance to becom a full American citizen. Let's introduce them to you! (camera focuses on each contestant as their name is called) Salvador Delujanza; Haiti, Mahamed Bindra; Africa, Fransisco Lopez; Puerto Rico, Ezekiel Puti; Mexico,and Juno Escarcevega; Spain. Well, now that you know the contestants,let's get to the fastest finger! Juno Escarcevega: I have fresh panties on! Fransisco Lopez: Free Puerto Rico!! Regis Philbin: Ha ha ha....Okay! Here it is: Name the four gayest people in the world from least to greatest. A: Rupaul, B: Boy George, C: Carrot Top, and D: Nick Carter. (it is silent for a while) ...Time's up! The correct answer goes in this answer: D, B, C, A. Let's see who'll be next in the hotseat! (the screen with the contestant's names appears, Ezekiel Puti's name flashes.) And it looks like Ezekiel Puti!! Get up here! (Ezekiel jumps) Ezekiel: Yes! I have a chalupa in my pants! Regis Philbin: Yes, don't we all. (they both sit after shaking hands) So Mr. Puti...you're from Mexico. Ezekiel: Yes! That is correct! Regis Philbin: I've been there, it's nice. Ezekiel: Yes! It is! Regis Philbin: Exactly where in Mexico are you from? Ezekiel: Oh. that is difficult to say, you see, when I was a little girl- Regis Philbin: Wait a minute, you're a- Ezekiel: Let me finish, Regis please! Like I was saying... when I was a small little girl, my parents and I migrated all over the country in search for work, my father promised me that when we do find work, he would buy me a pretty new dress. Well, we never found work and by that time, I was beginning to feel like I WAS Mexico! Regis Philbin: Thank you for sharing that. And by the way...you didn't answer the question! Ezekiel: It is an honor to be here. Regis Philbin: Ha ha...that's sad. so...you're a 7-11 employee. Ezekiel: Yes! I work at the Taco Mart in San Augustin. Regis Philbin: You know, you're the ninteenth 7-ll employee this week! Ezekiel: I am? Then, in that case, I will win for my brothers! Regis Philbin: Tell us, why do you want to be an American citizen? Ezekiel: Regis, it has been my life-long dream to become a high school janitor and have several American children throw paper wads at me and call me several offensive names referring to my nationality. Regis Philbin: That's terriffic! ...I see that you're married! Ezekiel: Oh Yes! (shows her in the audience. she has several teeth missing) Isn't she beautifull! Regis Philbin: What's her name? Ezekiel: Oh, I don't know. You see, a few years ago she got kicked in the head by a donkey and lost all memory of her past life...now all she can do is moo like a cow. (Camera goes back to here) Ezekiel's Wife: Moo!! (She licks an audience member's ear) Audience Member: Hey! God! That's disgusting! (camera goes back to Regis) Regis Philbin: Ha ha! She's a keeper! Ezekiel: Ha ha ha! Regis Philbin: So, Mr. Puti, are you set? Ezekiel: Oh yes! I'm so excited I could soil myself right now! Regis Philbin: Then let's hurry up and get ready to play..."Who Wnats To Win A Green Card"! Ezekiel: Yay! Regis Philbin: This question is for $100. What is the capital of Iowa? Is it A: Des Moines, B: New York, C: Long Island, or D: Ireland? Ezekiel: It's A! It's A! Regis Philbin: Is that your final answer? Ezekiel: Well, yea! It's a no brainer! Regis Philbin: Alright...that's correct! Godd work, Mr. Puti! Ezekiel: Yes! I'm out of the poor house and on my way to the top! Regis Philbin: Well,you've won $100 so far. If you win tonight,not only do you get the green card, but one million dollars, also! Ezekiel: A million dollars! Yay yay yay! Regis Philbin: Hold you horses. This is for $300. Regis Philbin is a A: Worn out old fart, B: Sleezy worn out old fart, C: Sad old fart, or D: Desparate old fart? Ezekiel: It's D! Regis Philbin: Final answer? Ezekiel: YES! Regis Philbin: That's correct! Ezekiel: Yes! I am the taco king! Regis Philbin: We'll see in a minute! Ezekiel: Si senore! Regis Philbin: I no speaka spanish! Ezekiel: I know! It's crazy! Regis Philbin: ...Sure is. Now for $500. What is NOT an ingredient in pizza? Is it A: Pepperoni, B: Italian sausage, C: Cheese, or D: Motor oil? Ezekiel: Hmmm...this is a hard question! Regis Philbin: How? Ezekiel: Well, you see,I have eaten some pretty raunchy stuff,and I don't know how you American's eat. I think I would like to ask the audience. Regis Philbin: Well...alright. Members of the audience...vote now! (it is quiet for a few seconds, shows Ezekiel's wife gnawing on the ballot) Times up! Looks like the audience chose D with 100%! Ezekiel: I'll take that one! Regis Philbin: Is that your- Ezekiel: Yes Dammit! Why do you keep asking me that? Regis Philbin: ....That's correct. Ezekiel: Yay! I'm so happy! Regis Philbin: For $1000, who is the greatest game show host of all time? Is it A: Regis Philbin, B: Alex Trebek, C: Pat Sajak, or D: The grouchy lady from "The Weakest Link"? Ezekiel: Um... I'll take 50:50. Regis Philbin: Oh, for crying out loud! Okay...if that's what you want. Computers, take away two wrong answers.(C and D dissappear from screen) Mr. Puti, your choices are A and B Ezekiel: The answer is C!! Regis Philbin: C is not an option! Ezekiel: Oh, F! It's F! Regis Philbin: Choose between A or B! I'll give you a hint...it's ME! Ezekiel: Who are you, again? Dammit! I forgot! oh, it's B!! Regis Philbin: Final answer?! Ezekiel: Yes! Regis Philbin: You're wrong! It was A! You bum! Now hit the bricks, you ignorant man! Ezekiel: Don't I at least get five pesos? Regis Philbin: NO! And take your baboon cow wife of yours with you! (Ezekiel leaves) You mentally challenged trogledite! That's right! Now Leave! Ha ha ha! Have you ever seen someone so stupid? Anyway,stay tuned, America! We'll be back after this commercial break to see who will go home an American citizen, here on "Who Wants To Win A Green Card"! Don't go away! (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
