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Mayor James McCheese ... Chris Parnell Phil A. O'Fish ... Brad Garrett Ronald McDonald ... Will Ferrell Grimace ... Tracy Morgan Big Mac ... Horatio Sanz Moderator ... Ana Gasteyer Reporter ... Jimmy Fallon [Scene opens on a mayoral debate. A giant banner reads "McDonaldland Mayoral Debate - 2001". A moderator sits behind a desk. Two candidates stand behind podiums on either side of her. One of them has a giant cheeseburger for a head.] Moderator: And thank you to those of you joining us at home. We are here live at the 2001 McDonaldland Mayoral Debate. Incumbent Mayor James McCheese is in his final debate with independent candidate Phillip A. O'Fish, in a contest that grows more heated with each passing day. In our final round of the debate today, we will be taking questions from the press. But first, our candidates would like to give their opening remarks. Mister Mayor? Mayor McCheese: [he speaks in a high pitched cartoon voice] Thank you. [to the audience] Ladies of gentlemen of McDonaldland, you have before you a great McChoice in this election. I have served as your Mayor for twenty-seven McYears, through good times and bad. McDonaldland has prospered, through the rise of power of Ronald McDonald, the introduction of our breakfast industry, the McNugget era, and even through the ill-fated McLean experiment of the nineties. We are standing McProud today and, as always, [dramatic pause] we still love to see you smile. [audience bursts into applause. They start chanting "Four more years! Four more years!"] Phil A. O'Fish: [pauses to glare at Mayor McCheese with a disgusted look] Ladies and gentlemen of McDonaldland, pay no attention to the rhetoric of our esteemed mayor. McDonaldland has very serious problems facing us. Our crime rate is out of control, criminals roam the streets unchecked, we have a horrendous drug problem, and the entire McCheese platform is just a puppet administration, being controlled by a very dangerous alcoholic clown. We are a real city with real problems, and catchy food slogans will not solve them! We need serious change! Thank you. [crowd is silent, except for a few scattered boos.] Moderator: [scanning the audience] Yes, sir, you have a question? Reporter: Hi, Josh Sinnett from the McDonaldland Times. Mr. Mayor, I would just like to ask you what new food items we have planned for the coming year? Mayor McCheese: Well I'm glad you asked. Ronald McDonald and I have been mixing up some culinary delights, to please your McTaste buds! Plus our new Fiesta menu will bring out the "Hombre" in you! [crowd cheers] But I only hope that rascal, the Hamburglar, doesn't get his hands on our food! [crowd laughs at his joke] Phil A. O'Fish: [waits for the crowd laughter to die down.] Listen, I don't think that is any laughing matter. Crime is not something to be made fun of. If the Hamburglar steals our food, he should be caught and punished. For God's sake, he is a MEMBER OF THE MCCHEESE ADMINISTRATION and he is a CONVICTED FELON! What is wrong with this picture? Don't you people see? Mayor McCheese: Oh, he's nothing more than a lovable tramp! Why, last year, he stole all the food for the big Summer McFest! But we caught him, when he ate all the food and fell asleep on top of the food pile! We all enjoyed a McLaugh over that escapade! [crowd laughs again] Phil A. O'Fish: Yes, he was caught and arrested for grand theft. Let me see here [reads off a list] and he was pardoned by one Mayor James McCheese. Are you in the habit of pardoning repeat offenders, Mister Mayor? Mayor McCheese: [laughing so hard he has to wipe his eyes] We all chuckled over that incident. It was good fun. Phil A. O'Fish: Yes, it was fun for all, wasn't it? Now let's see here, what else was the Hamburglar up to last year? [reads off list] Ah, yes. Eighteen counts robbery, five counts larceny, nine counts rape, two counts aggravated assault, six counts sodomy, and one very serious count of transporting a minor across the border for illicit purposes. [crowd is silent. They are stunned.] Phil A. O'Fish: Let me see here... pardoned by Mayor... pardoned by Mayor... pardoned by Mayor... pardoned by Mayor. Mister Mayor, are there any criminals you do NOT pardon? Mayor McCheese: [stammering] Well, I don't... I never... Phil A. O'Fish: And will the good Mayor tell you about the crime rate in our inner city? Mayor McCheese: McDonaldland is a happy place! We have no McCrime. Not with Big Mac on the squad! Phil A. O'Fish: McDonaldland is most definitely NOT a happy place. Let me get this straight... we have but one law enforcement officer. And he is a hamburger? Mayor McCheese: Big Mac is more than just a hamburger. He is two all beef patties, special sauce.. Phil A. O'Fish: [cutting him off] Yes, we know the rhyme. Just answer the question. Mayor McCheese: Big Mac has been our Police McChief for over thirty years! He is a fine citizen, and never fails to collar the Hamburglar in his crazy McSchemes! Phil A. O'Fish: [sarcastically] Yes, that's quite a job he is doing with the Hamburglar. Has Mr. Mac even taken a passing interest in the latest crime statistics? [reads off a list] Violent Crime, up 260%. Assault, up 700%. Is he aware of the violent street gangs that have taken over our city? Has he even HEARD of the McDonaldland Rolling Twenty Crips? What exactly does he do all day? Mayor McCheese: Why, he protects the good people of McDonaldland! Moderator: I would like to move on to the next issue. Phil A. O'Fish: [interrupting] Mr. McCheese, what role does Grimace play on your staff? Mayor McCheese: Grimace? I don't follow? Phil A. O'Fish: What is his title? What function does he serve? Mayor McCheese: Grimace is our [pause]... entertainment director. Phil A. O'Fish: Does he do anything? Mayor McCheese: Grimace is a lovable ball of fun! He is always trying to make off with our smooth, delicious McDonald's milkshakes! Phil A. O'Fish: And did you also know that Grimace is a convicted heroin addict? He steals the milkshakes to pay for his drug habit. Why, just last year he was beaten within an inch of his life in Central McPark during a drug deal gone bad. Mayor McCheese: Oh, that Grimace! Phil A. O'Fish: Look, there you go again, excusing him. Grimace is a seriously troubled young man. He is liable to end up a fat purple corpse before he reaches thirty. And this is someone you trust on your staff? [crowd boos. One person yells "Leave Grimace alone!"] [Grimace walks up onto stage next to Phil O'Fish. He is jumpy and very twitchy] Grimace: Look, man, it's true. I was so messed up with the smack. But Mr. O'Fish helped me. I was laying in a pool of milkshake and vomit last month, and he found me. He cleaned me up, got me in rehab. I was doing nothing but drinking milkshakes, shooting up and banging whores, and now I'm going back to school. I'm gonna be a doctor. [Crowd cheers Grimace. He hugs Phil O'Fish, then waves to them and smiles. They chant "Grimace!" "Grimace!" "Grimace!"] Mayor McCheese: I don't think you are grasping the true McMeaning of our city, Mr. O'Fish. McDonaldland is a place for children to play. For rainbows to glimmer and for magic in the air. McDonaldland is a place we all can McLive together. It is a place for food, folks and fun! Phil A. O'Fish: Quite simply, no it is NOT. And what is the deal with adding "Mc" before every word? Why do you people do that? Mayor McCheese: Those are the McRules. We do that out of respect for Ronald. Phil A. O'Fish: Respect? Or fear? Mayor McCheese: Ronald McDonald founded this city! He made the first delicious hamburger, processed the first McNugget, and gave us all homes! We pay tribute to Ronald! Phil A. O'Fish: What would happen if you said the words "Chicken Nugget"? [pause] Go ahead, say it! [crowd gasps in horror] Mayor McCheese: [eyes darting from side to side in the crowd] I would...never.... in my life! Ronald says... never do that. They are "McNuggets!" It's very bad to not say the McWords as He McTells us! Phil A. O'Fish: Ladies and gentlemen, my point is being illustrated perfectly. Ronald McDonald is the one behind the entire McCheese administration. He tells them what to do, stocks it with his friends, and pulls all the strings in this city. Sure, he is our founder, but this city is corrupted by his power. We need a new leader, someone to take charge. Someone who is not afraid of an alcoholic, vindictive clown. Someone who has the guts to say, "Hey clown, Burger King kicks your ass!" [Crowd is dead silent. No one dares say a word. Mayor McCheese just shakes his head in silent terror.] Moderator: I see we are coming to the end of our debate, and now... Phil A. O'Fish: [yelling] I'm not scared of you, clown! This isn't your city any more! We are taking back the streets! Who's with me, people?! [tries to start a chant] "Take! Back! The Streets!" "Take! Back! The Streets!" [the crowd is dead silent. No one chants along with him] Phil A. O'Fish: What is this?? Some kind of cult? Mayor McCheese: [very seriously] It is McBad to mock Him. Fear Him. Love Him. [Suddenly a booming thunder is heard. A puff of smoke appears in the background. From within it steps Ronald McDonald. He is accompanied by two Fry Guys.] Ronald McDonald [in a very loud booming voice] : Who here dares to McMock me?? Puny mortal, it is time to McMeet your doom! [Screams are heard from the crowd as they panic and run] Moderator: For those of you watching at home, we appear to have an apocalyptic showdown between a Christ-like clown figure and our independent candidate. Phil A. O'Fish: [holding up his fists] Come on, clown! Come get some! Ronald McDonald: You fool! I will bury you where I buried Colonel Sanders! Phil A. O'Fish: Go ahead and try it, yellow pants. Ronald McDonald: I will spin-kick you in the throat! [Lets out a primal roar of fury] [The two adversaries rush each other, fighting. Phil gets Ronald in a headlock.] Phil A. O'Fish: Like that, do ya? How about I snap your neck in two? Like the slogan says, you deserve a break today! Ronald McDonald: You're hurting! Stop! [At this point, Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Fry Guys, Hamburglar and Big Mac appear on stage and pull the two apart.] Big Mac: So, you think I'm just a washed up old hamburger? See how you like THIS crime prevention. [Big Mac starts whacking Phil O'Fish with his nightstick. Phil collapses to the floor as Big Mac continues to beat the piss out of him] Ronald McDonald: [standing up and fixing his clothes] Um... [regaining his dignity as he adjusts his red hair]... good people of McDonaldland, you are safe again! Go back to your McJobs, live in peace, and be sure to try my new Onion McRings! [The crowd starts to chant "Ronald!" "Ronald!" "Ronald!" Ronald disappears once again in a puff of smoke. The crowd applauds wildly. Big Mac continues to beat Phil O'Fish in the background] Scene ends with a newspaper headline: MCCHEESE WINS ELECTION! RONALD MCDONALD SAVES CITY! HAMBURGLAR STEALS CELBRATORY DINNER! THAT RASCAL! [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
