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Jason Kinsey ... Chris Kattan Mom Kinsey ... Ana Gasteyer Dad Kinsey ... Will Ferrell Asim ... Rachel Dratch Asim's Mom ... Maya Rudolph Asim's Dad ... Brad Garrett [Scene opens in a normal kitchen. A normal family is sitting around the table eating dinner.] Mom: [sitting down with a plate of meatloaf] So how was your first day in 4th grade, Jason? Jason: It was alright. Dad: [reading a paper and not paying attention] Did you learn anything new? Jason: [sullenly] No. Mom: Tell me about your teacher. Jason: [bored] She's okay. Mom: She sounds very nice. I hope you learn a lot this year. [Mom starts dishing out meatloaf] Jason: Ewww! I hate meatloaf! Gross! Mom: Jason, I have told you before, we're all going to eat dinner as a family. You eat what we eat. Jason: [whining] But, mommmm! Dad: [angrily] Jason Kinsey, you will eat the meal that your mother has prepared! I'm not going to tell you again! Jason: But I don't wannnnnt tooooo! Dad: And no whining at the table! Jason: [laying his head down on the table] I want to go outside. Dad: You sit up and eat this food! Jason: [yelling] No! Mom: Jason, you do as your father says! Jason: I hate meatloaf! I hate YOU! Dad: [angrily] Unless you want to want to go to bed with a hot butt, you better start chowing down, boy! Jason: You can't make me! Mom: [exasperated] Jason, you're a spoiled little brat! Why do you act like this? You know, starving children in India would give up their right arm for that meatloaf! Jason: No they wouldn't. Meatloaf sucks! Mom: Of course they would. If you were starving, you would do anything to get some hot food. Jason: [curious] They would do anything? Mom: Yes, they would! Now give thanks for what you have and eat your meatloaf! Jason: [serious] Could I really get an arm for this plate of food? Mom: [caught off guard] Well, uh, I'm sure you could. Now eat up, enjoy what you have been given. Jason: Okay, I want to do that. I want to trade this meatloaf for an arm. Mom: [flustered] Jason, I didn't mean you would be able to get a little boy's arm for that specific plate of food. That's ridiculous! Dad: That's what it sounded like to me, Joanne. Mom: Wait a minute, you're supposed to be on my side! Dad: I'm just saying that if you make the kid a promise, you should try and follow up on it. You're not doing him any favors by lying to him. Jason: Can I get an Indian kid's arm? Please? Mom: Look, I wouldn't know how to go about trading your meatloaf for a little boy's arm. Let's just drop it! Jason: But you said I could! Mom: [angrily] I know what I said! Just forget I said it. Eat your food! Jason: You know, mom, in certain states that would qualify as a verbal contract. You could be sued for breach of contract! Dad: Joanne, the boy has a point. He's a smart little guy [reaches over to tousle Jason's hair] Mom: [throwing her hands in the air] Ok, look, I will get on the phone and make some calls, if it will make you two happy! [sarcastically] I don't know who I am going to call, perhaps there's an arm swapping hotline in the Yellow Pages. Jason: Cool! I'm gonna go tell my friends! [He jumps up and runs from the table] [Scene fades out] A message on the screen reads: One hour later [Scene opens with Mom reading a list to Jason and Dad] Mom: Ok, I called around, and here's what I got. A little boy in China named Ping said he would trade a foot for meatloaf, but not an arm. A girl in the Philippines said she could give up an ear, or perhaps a finger, but she didn't sound very serious about the idea. I think she was just jerking us around. I did run across a boy in Kenya named "Tuklau" or "Tukau", and I think there may have been an exclamation point somewhere in his name. Anyway, he was very interested, but wanted to see a picture of the meatloaf first. Dad: Holy cow! What number did you call to find all this? Mom: [ignoring him] Those look like your best bets so far, Jason. Jason: What about India? Mom: So far, nothing in India. I was told that meatloaf wouldn't fetch a very good price this year. It's an off year. But the consulate did say you could get a limb for some chicken strips. Sorry, son. Jason: [sadly] Oh. I wanted an arm. Dad: So it looks like our best bet is the exclamation point kid in Kenya? Mom: Well, not exactly. I just remembered there was one boy, who gave his location as "somewhere in the desert". His name was... [looking it up on the list] Asim. He said he would gladly give up an arm for, and I quote, "any nourishment that would satiate the cavernous silence in my distended belly." Dad: [impressed] Wow, those desert kids are really well spoken. Jason: But he's not in India! Mom: Sorry, Jason, that's the best I could do. Desert or nothing, take your pick. Jason: I don't want his arm! Dad: [angry] Jason Francis Kinsey! You'll be lucky to get a foot with that attitude! Jason: [sulking] Fine. [thinks it over] Let's meet him. I guess a desert kid's arm is better than nothing. Mom: Great, I'll make the arrangements! [walks off towards the phone] [Scene fades out] A message on the screen reads: The next day [Scene opens in a small tent, the floor covered with sand. A very frail looking desert family sits with Jason and his parents. Asim's parents both wear scarves around their faces to keep out the swirling sand] Asim's Mom: We wish to thank you for making this trip. Our little boy was so excited to hear that he would be getting some hot American food. Asim's Dad: All our lives, we have heard of this "meatloaf", but never dared to dream that it truly existed. We have waited so long for this food, this will be the first time all year we have eaten anything but warm sand. It is truly a happy day. Jason: [pulling out a small tupperware bowl] Here it is. Asim and his parents: [together] Ooooohhh. Jason: [reading off a small piece of paper] In exchange for this piece of meatloaf, I would like Asim's right arm, as per our arrangement. It must be in good condition and have no visible scratches, dents, or nicks. This exchange is binding and non refundable. Asim: [shocked] Not my right arm! I said I would trade my left arm! I need my right arm! I need it to gather shelter and stockpile blankets during the starving season! Jason: No way! You said your right arm! Asim: But I... But I... I don't want... [looks at his parents for help. They shrug helplessly] Okay, fine. I will trade you my right arm for your meatloaf. Jason: Sweet! [Asim's parents pick up the tupperware and open it.] Asim's Dad: Heyyy! This meatloaf is cold! Mom: Well, of course it is. We didn't have anywhere to warm it up. [looking around the tent] And I doubt you have a microwave in here. Asim's Mom: The deal was for hot American meatloaf. This is no longer hot. The deal is off! No arm for you! Dad: Can't you just leave it out in the sun or something? Asim's Dad: [very angrily] We may be starving, but we will not trade our son's arm for a plate of cold meatloaf! This is inexcusable! You come into my tent, with a promise of hot meatloaf, and insult us! You have insulted my wife and my child and my home! Jason: You didn't say it had to be hot! That's not fair! Asim's Dad: [pulling out a large sword] You have tried to trick us, foul Americans! Now you shall taste the steel of my sword! You will pay for your treachery! Dad: [panicked] Here! Take my watch! Take my wallet! Please leave us alone! Jason: [crying] I want to go home! I don't want an arm anymore! [Asim's Dad takes their valuables, including their plane tickets home and their clothing and their meatloaf. He puts away his sword] Asim's Dad: You will go now. Do not come back here. Leave my home! [The Kinsey family scurries out of the tent and leaves] [Asim and his family look at each other. After about three seconds they all start to crack up.] Asim's Mom: Suckers! Asim's Dad: Works EVERY time. Asim: Dad, that was awesome! [imitating his dad] "This is my sword. I will kill you. Grrrrr!" I thought that dad was gonna pee his pants. [Asim's Dad reaches over and proudly tousles his son's hair. He then starts to dig a computer out of the sand.] Asim's Dad: [chuckling] C'mon, let's go sell this American stuff on Ebay. It should be worth a fortune. Honey, are we having spaghetti tonight? [scene ends] Rate or review this sketch. |
