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Johnny Smalls ... Chris Parnell Dennis Goodman ... Brad Garrett [Scene opens in a very nice office. A sign on the wall reads "Goodman Talent Agency." A very tall man is sitting behind a desk, while a midget sits on a chair in front of him. I don't know how they make Parnell appear to be a midget, that's for the makeup department to decide.] Dennis: Thank you, Mr. Smalls, and welcome to our talent agency. I see on your resume that you are an actor? Johnny: Yes sir. Ten years experience. Stage as well as screen. I've done some singing as well. Dennis: [reading his resume] I see here you were in The Terror of Small Village. That was a good picture. Johnny: Oh yes, that one was a blast. I played the evil "Dr. Little". [They both chuckle] It was a lot of fun. Dennis: And wait, you were in Titanic? Johnny: No, that should read "Tiny-tanic." It was set on a small ferryboat. Dennis: Oh, sorry, I must have misread that. Anyway, what is it I can help you with today? Johnny: Well, I am trying to move away from the traditional "little person" roles and I wanted some new representation. I'm looking to go in a new direction with my career. Dennis: A new direction? Johnny: Yes, I'm getting tired of being offered the same old roles. You know, the little villain, or the little sidekick, or the frightening hobbit. You know, the traditional little person roles. I want to expand my acting chops. Dennis: Well, Mr. Smalls, I do have to say I don't get a whole lot of calls for midget roles during the week here. Johnny: Please, it's not midget. We're called "little people." Dennis: [ignoring him] But let me pull up some files and I'll see what I can find for you. [He rustles through his desk, pulling out large folder after large folder. Finally he comes to a small pamphlet, and opens it.] Ah, here we go, midget roles. Hmmmm... [perusing the list] Here's a role for a sidekick. Does that interest you? Johnny: Well, to tell you the truth, I'm tired of playing a little sidekick. That seems to be all I do. Do you have any leading roles? Dennis: Ah, here's one. [pulls out a sheet of paper] The film is called "Little Mac," the story of a midget detective who fights crime. Johnny: Fights crime! All right, what else does it say? Dennis: [reading further] "Little Mac is a comedic tale of a small detective fighting crime in a big world. Set to a whimsical bassoon score, Little Mac is repeatedly bashed over the head with a sack of flour during the course of the film. In one scene, he bites the ankle of the crime boss in hand-to-hand combat, and won't let go! It's a most amusing scene!" Well, there you go! Johnny: Um... I don't think that's quite what I am looking for. Whimsical bassoon music? Dennis: Sure, every good midget movie needs whimsical bassoon music. It's, like... your theme song. Johnny: [annoyed] Yes, I know. Every film I have been in has featured whimsical bassoon music. Frankly, I'm a little tired of it. Couldn't I have a heroic theme? Something featuring trumpets? Dennis: Here's another role [pulls out a sheet of paper]. "Searching for Dad" is a touching tale of a father and son, separated through the years, who must reunite and rekindle their relationship. Jonathan Lipnicki is set to play the son. Johnny: And I would play his dad? That's perfect! Dennis: No, you would play his stunt double. In one scene he is tossed between thugs like a sack of potatoes. They need someone [reading off a list] "sturdy, yet small, who can take some damage." Johnny: No! I'm not going to be a stunt double for a stupid kid! I went to Julliard! Dennis: Well you can't expect Jonathan Lipnicki to do his own stunts. He's a big star. He was in Jerry Maguire. Johnny: [insulted] Anything else? Dennis: Here's a romance. Called "Small Hearts", it is the touching tale of two midget dancers, exploring love for the first time. Johnny: Sounds much better. Do I have a love scene? Dennis: Yes, here is the description, "set to a whimsical bassoon score, the two dancers have several comedic love scenes, always resulting in chaos and wackiness." Johnny: How the HELL can you set a love scene to bassoon music? That is just offensive! Dennis: Apparently in one scene, she bashes you over the head with a sack of flour. [snickering] I would like to see that. Johnny: [angry] Look, it's people like you who perpetrate this prejudice against little people! Why should we be hit over the head with sacks of flour, or set to bassoon music? Why can't we do normal love scenes like normal actors? Dennis: Fine, here's another. "Short Temper" is the story of a foul-mouthed assassin who falls for a Swedish bikini girl. It's an action movie. Johnny: Do I get a love scene? Dennis: Sure do, four of them in fact. Johnny: [warily] And is the bikini girl played by a midget? I mean, a little person? Dennis: Nope, she is played by a tall, leggy model type. In fact, Nicole Kidman is in discussions to play the part. Johnny: Hot damn! I get to have love scenes with Nicole Kidman?? Four times??? Dennis: Yes, in fact in one scene she ties you up and spanks you. Johnny: Alright! This is [sudden realization] Wait, is there whimsical bassoon music involved anywhere? Dennis: Well, there is bassoon music. It doesn't say here if it is whimsical or not. Johnny: Hmm.... serious bassoon music? Dennis: I would guess it would be more... engaging. Not so much serious. Johnny: Is engaging close to whimsical? Dennis: Oh no, far from it. An engaging bassoon score can liven the mood of any picture. [leaning over and speaking under his breath] You know, the Star Wars theme was originally written for the bassoon. Johnny: Hmmm... [thinking it over] What's my character's name? Dennis: Stubby Littlepecker. Johnny: Absolutely NOT! NO WAY! Dennis: But he is a killer! And he gets to get it on with Nicole Kidman! And there is no whimsical bassoon music... [under his breath] per se. How can you turn that down? Johnny: No movies with the world "Little" or "Small" or "Tiny" in the title! And no character names of "Stubby" or "Stumpy" or "Wee Willie!" Do you have ANYTHING else? Dennis: How do you feel about midget porn? [Johnny just glares at him. He gives no response.] Dennis: Well, okay here's the last one. A fantasy adventure set in a mythological world... Johnny: [interrupting] I am NOT playing a dwarf! Dennis: He's not a dwarf, he is a halfling. There's a difference there. Johnny: [tired of all this] Ok, what's the character name? Dennis: Lionheart. He is a brave warrior. Johnny: Okay, what's the catch? Does he have a comedic love scene with another little person? Is he repeatedly bashed over the head with a sack of flour? Is there a bassoon entrance theme everytime he appears on screen? Dennis: No, no and NO. He fights evil, has multiple lovers and has two very realistic swordfighting scenes. Johnny: Is he ever tossed for sport inside a pub? Dennis: Nope, you're in luck. Most fantasy films will have a gratuitous "dwarf tossing" scene, but that scene was cut out in this picture. No tossing for sport. Johnny: Does he have a theme song? Dennis: Yes, here it is. "A trumpet ballad, performed by the Boston Symphonic Orchestra". Johnny: That's it! That's my role! Lionheart the halfling! Do we have to use the word "halfling?" Can't we call him a "demi-warrior" or something? Dennis: Sorry, can't do anything about that. Johnny: Ok, fine. Call them up, tell them I'll be auditioning for the role of Lionheart. This is a proud day in little person history! Dennis: Great! [dialing the phone] Hello, TinyTown casting? Yes, I have an actor here who would like to audition for one of your roles. [pause] The film is called "The Stumpy Warrior in Midget Forest." [pause] Yes, the one with Jonathan Lipnicki and the whimsical trumpet music. [scene ends with a shot of Mr. Goodman's closed door. Behind it we hear Johnny Smalls angrily yell "DAMNIT!!!!!!"] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
