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.....Brad Garrett .....Adam Mckay .....Paula Pell .....Jimmy Fallon .....Will Ferrell .....Horatio Sanz .....Rachel Dratch .....Tracy Morgan .....Lorne Michaels .....Chris Kattan .....Tina Fey .....Chris Parnell [Paula Pell, Adam Mckay, Tracy Morgan, Rachel Dratch, Chris Parnell, Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell, Lorne Michaels, and Brad Garrett are seated at the table. This is the pre-show meeting] Lorne: So it's settled! Paula Pell will appear in tonight's monologue, but Adam Mckay gets to have one of his crappy films featured on tonight's show! Good. Moving on, do you have any thoughts, Brad? Brad Garrett: Well, I just don't want to mess up on my monologue, so I think I'll ad-lib it. I want to include something about my manliness. You know, my character, Robert Barone on "Everybody Loves Raymond" is as manly as they come! In fact, I actually based that super-manly character on the show's own, Chris Kattan! [Everyone at the table is silent. Will Ferrell begins laughing loudly, Lorne joins in] Brad Garrett: What? Was it something I said? Adam Mckay: Well, it's just, you know, Chris Kattan isn't manly, not even one bit man. Brad Garrett: Well sure he is, he's as manly as they come! Paula Pell: [Points to her buttocks] This pimple on my ass is more manly than Chris Kattan! Brad Garrett: Oh come on! That pimple on your ass is more manly than even Sly Stallone! Chris Kattan is definitely manly! Adam Mckay: [Chowing on this bagel] This bagel is more manly than him! [Continues eating the bagel] But then again, so is my daughter! Paula Pell: Hell, a bag of wheat is more manly! Jimmy Fallon: The Olson Twins! Will Ferrell: Sam Donaldson's toupee! Horatio Sanz: Bjork's uterus! Jimmy Fallon: My mom's left nipple! Adam Mckay: The movie "American Sweethearts"! Paula Pell: This used douche! Jimmy Fallon: Barbie's pink Corvette! Horatio Sanz: My dad's right nipple! Will Ferrell: Carrot Top's left testicle! Paula Pell: Madonna's diaphragm! Adam Mckay: C.C. Deville from Poison! Paula Pell: Jackie Chan! Jimmy Fallon: [In his Nick Burn's voice] My computer's hard drive! Horatio Sanz: This elastic band! Rachel Dratch: Adam Sandler's nose! Lorne: Chicken Soup for the Soul...and Teenage Soul! Adam Mckay: Karen Carpenter! Will Ferrell: That retarded kid from Life Goes On! [Pretends to be that "retarded kid"] Jimmy Fallon: This plastic spoon! Paula Pell: Tom Cruise! Rachel Dratch: Me! Brad Garrett: Okay, okay, just slow down now... Will Ferrell: Bob Dole's useless penis! Paula Pell: Jim Carrey's ass is more manly! Adam Mckay: That guy from Fargo! Paula Pell: Krispy Kreme Doughnuts! Will Ferrell: The script from "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" Paula Pell: Rupaul! Adam Mckay: My uncle Herman's urethra! Jimmy Fallon: Jay Leno's chin! Paula Pell: The state of South Dakota! Adam Mckay: Elton John's many wigs! Jimmy Fallon: Garth Brook's songs! Horatio Sanz: Professor Stephen Hawking! Paula Pell: Bill Gates! Jimmy Fallon: This package of Kotex...extra absorbant! Adam Mckay: Anthony Michael Hall...as Bill Gates! Brad Garrett: No! No! I won't believe it! Never... Paula Pell: Michael Jackson's penis! Lorne: San Francisco is more manly for God's sake! Tracy Morgan: [Produces plastic baggy] This bag of weed! [Produces another plastic baggy] This bag of coke! Adam Mckay: Speaking of coke, George W. Bush is more manly! Jimmy Fallon: Dick Cheney's heart! Horatio Sanz: John Bobbit's crotch! Adam Mckay: Heidi Fleiss! Paula Pell: Woody Allen! Brad Garrett: It can't be true! Woody Allen can't really be more manly than Chris Kattan, I won't believe it! [Chris Kattan walks in the door] Lorne: Brad, accept it! Even my old, worn out prostate is more manly than Chris Kattan. We've all come to terms with it here at Saturday Night Live. Chris Kattan: Dammit! You're talking about my lack of manliness again, aren't you! Well I'll show you bastards! I really am manly, I am! Hey Tina, prepare to meet Mr. Peepers? [Chris jumps across the room, but misses Tina Fey and lands on Chris Parnell. He begins dry humping Parnell] Jimmy Fallon: Oh my God! He thinks Parnell is Tina Fey! Chris Parnell: [Still being humped] Somebody help! He's trying to put his Mango in me! Chris Kattan: [Stops humping, then backs away] Sorry, I thought you were a woman! Lorne: You've never seen a woman, have you Kattan? Chris Kattan: Well...no. Brad Garrett: Well thanks for opening my eyes everyone. I guess even the gay porn on Leonardo Dicaprio's computer is more manly than Chris Kattan, right? Lorne: Right! Now we have a show to put on! Come on everyone! [Everyone begins laughing, then leaves the room, leaving Adam Mckay and Paula Pell] Adam Mckay: Paula, you know what this means? We can finally say the line! Paula Pell: Yes! I knew this day would come! Together: Live.... [Tina Fey opens the door and returns to the room] Tina Fey: Forgot my suitcase! [She continues towards the door] Paula Pell: Phew! Tina Fey: [Turns towards the camera] Live, from New York, It's Saturday NIGHT! [Cut to credits montage] Rate or review this sketch. |
