|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Nerd 1.....Rachel Dratch Nerd 2.....Maya Rudolph Chris Doltz.....Chris Kattan Coach.....Horatio Sanz Don Marconi.....Brad Garrett Receiver 1.....Tracy Morgan Receiver 2.....Will Ferrell Pee Wee Herman.....Jimmy Fallon Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell Bryant Gumbel.....Jerry Minor Tina Fey.....Tina Fey Cheerleader.....Ana Gasteyer Announcer.....Chris Parnell [scene: Sidelines during a College football game, say a month from now. Three players are standing near end of bench. Chris is walking over to the left.] Receiver 1: Whoa, hold up. Where do you think you're going? Chris: I'm...I'm going to sit with the rest of the team. Receiver 2: Yeah, well we decided that even just having you sit close to us, is hurting the team. For this last quarter you'll have to sit over here. [Chris shakes his head in frustration. Enter Nerds.] Nerd 1: Heh heh. Look if it isn't Chris Doltz. Hey Maya, what do you suppose the coefficient of static friction is between a football and Chris Doltz's hands? Nerd 2: Heh heh. I don't know, can you have a negative coefficient of static friction? [Nerds laugh nerdily] Nerd 1: Hey Maya. Nerd 2: Yeah George. Nerd 1: I hear Chris Doltz totally sucks so much. Nerd 2: Really how much does he totally suck? Nerd 1: He totally sucks so much that he has his own event horizon! [Nerds laugh with increased nerdiness. Exit Nerds.] Receiver 2: Uhhh...I'm not sure...but I think even the nerds are making fun of you. Receiver 1: Heh heh, you are the weakest link. Goodbye! [Receiver's awkwardly chest butt each other and exit to the left. Chris sits down on end of bench.] Chris: Dammit. I drop one football and I become the laughing stock of the entire college. Granted it was the game that could have gotten us into the championship but still. How the hell am I supposed to redeem myself if they won't even let me play. And what's with this rash? [scratches himself] [Tequila music plays, Pee Wee enters doing characteristic walk on tips of shoes.] Pee Wee Herman: HELLO! I'm looking for Chris Doltz. Chris: Omigoodness. Pee Wee Herman: Uhh...it's not polite to stare. Chris: You...you're Pee Wee Herman! Pee Wee Herman: I know I am but who are you? Chris: I...I'm Chris Doltz. [Chris stands and shakes Pee Wee's hand] Pee Wee Herman: Shake it don't break it! [Chris stops shaking Pee Wee's hand.] Chris: Oh sorry. Pee Wee Herman: Like I got your letter and it was very touching. So last season you lost the big game and this year they're not letting you play? Chris: Yeah, and so since you've undergone...adversity and come back I wrote you that letter hoping you could give me some advice on what I should do. I just never expected to see you in person. Pee Wee Herman: Well I was in the neighborhood. Anyways, I totally know what you're going through. It's kind of funny when you think about it. You dropped the ball in front of 10,000 onlookers and I dropped my pants in front of about 7 and somehow, I end up looking like the bigger loser...ha ha. Oh well, turn that frown upside down! Look at me...owww not with that face, HA HA, no but seriously I have a new movie in the works and things couldn't be better! I came here to tell you to keep your chin up and look forward to the good times. [cheerleaders walk by] uhh...excuse me I have to go...I see pompoms that need fluffing! [Pee Wee exits to the right. Chris nods his head. Enter Bill Clinton from left] Chris: Pr...President Clinton? Bill Clinton: Hello there. You must be Chris Doltz. Chris: Yes...but how did you know? Bill Clinton: I'm a close personal friend of Pee Wee. We were hanging here in Connecticut and he told me about how he was going to talk to you so I tagged along. How are you doing son? Chris: Not very good sir. They won't even let me sit with the team anymore. Bill Clinton: Don't worry. I'm here to help. Chris: Really? Thanks...so what do you think I should do? Bill Clinton: Just repeat after me, "I did not fumble that football." Chris: What? But I did fumble the football. Bill Clinton: Now c'mon. I used to be president, now listen to me: "I did not fumble that football." C'mon I want to hear you say it..."I did not fumble that football." Chris: [hesitantly] I did not fumble that football? Bill Clinton: You just keep saying that and everything will be alright. Chris: But... Bill Clinton: Good luck son. Now I have to go before that pervert [motions towards Pee Wee offstage] over there scares away all those fine collegiate cheerleaders. [Tina Fey enters from right wearing cigarette girl uniform] Tina Fey: Cigars, cigarettes. Cigars cigarettes. Bill Clinton: I'll take one of those bad boys. [picks up cigar] Oh yeah, I think this is gonna hit the spot. [Winks at Tina while placing money in her blouse.] Here you go. Buy yourself something nice. [Clinton exits to the right. Chris looks at Tina curiously] Chris: Tina Fey? Tina Fey: What? It's a little extra money on the weekends okay! [Exit Tina Fey. Enter George W. Bush] Chris: Omigoodness. Aren't you the President? George W. Bush: Me, yeah. What's it to you? Chris: What, what are you doing here? George W. Bush: I'm looking for that Bill Clinton guy. I've been trying to track him down for months. Stupid ba*****. I'll teach him to steal my W's. Hey, why aren't you sitting with the rest of the team. Chris: Well, last year I was playing during a game that could have gotten us to the championships and I fumbled the ball and it cost us the game. George W. Bush: Bummer. You know, I've suffered through tough times like you and came out alright. Chris: You mean by conquering an alcohol problem and becoming President? George W. Bush: No, no that's not what I meant. Back in my high school days you see, I was a cheerleader. Anyways, there was this important game against a rival school and it was my first shot at a solo cheer. Well I was asking for A's and N's and all sorts of letters and everything was going great but by the time I was done I forget what the hell I had spelled. I asked the audience but they didn't know either. Everybody just laughed and our team ended up losing. Chris: So what...next game you came back with an awesome cheer that helped win the game? George W. Bush: No. No, that's about the time I started drinking. Boy, I had some good times...The point is, eventually I became President of the United States, so who the hell cares about losing a stupid game. Give me a U, give me an S, give me an A, what does it spell? [pauses and shrugs his shoulders] I'm the President! heh heh. So what I'm trying to say is... [enter Cheerleaders from right] Cheerleader: One of the cheerleaders is missing and we don't have a replacment!! We'll never be able to do the pyramid! George W. Bush: Uhh...I gotta go. My country needs me. [exit Cheerleaders and George W. to right] [enter Bryant Gumbel from right.] Chris: I can't believe it...Bryant Gumbel! Bryant Gumbel: Hello there. Mr. Doltz I presume? Chris: Yes, I just want to say I'm your biggest fan and I am so moved that you've come here to see me... is that right? You got my letter, felt my pain and came down to wish me well? Bryant Gumbel: Yes, I got the letter you sent me and I did come by to say something. What the hell were you thinking? I am Bryant Gumbel. Like I would care about your little problems? Like I could take time to come here and hold your hand? C'mon now. I have an immensely popular morning show, I can't possibly be everywhere at once. I'm not some kind of superhero you know. [talks nervously] That's what you said in your letter wasn't it? That you thought I was some kind of superhero? Chris: Uhh...no I said you were my hero. You know, the way you left a sure thing at NBC, then went to CBS and failed miserably for awhile but then became an even greater success than before with the Early Show. I really admire your confidence and I was kind of hoping that you could help me find my confidence again. Do you think you could? Bryant Gumbel: No. [ moment of awkward silence] [Enter Nerd 2 with notepad and pen. Approaches Bryant Gumbel.] Nerd 1: Can you sign this please. Thanks. I think you're the greatest ever. Bryant Gumbel: Thank you. There you go. [moment of awkward silence] [Bryant reacts to sound from offstage 'Hillary no! I'm not worth it! HELP!' as though only he can hear it.] Bryant Gumbel: I...uhh...have to go. [Bryant pulls off glasses and opens shirt then superman swoosh sounds after his exit to the right] [Chris is looking at ground] [Don Marconi enters from right with two goons.] Chris: Mr. Marconi! I haven't seen you in ages! What are you doing here? [Chris and Marconi shake hands] Don Marconi: Hi Chris. I heard about what happened and I wanted to come down and see you. I mean, it's the least I can do. How long did you deliver my paper? From the time you were old enough to ride a bike up until you finished high school. Those were good days. You know since you left I've had 5 different paper boys and not one of those discraziati ever hit my porch. And sometimes they'd deliver the paper in the afternoon. Remember Chris, you used to deliver it right on my porch every morning at 7:30. Bam right there. So now I've come here to help you. I understand they aren't letting you play anymore. So remind me again Chris...what position is it that you play? Chris: I'm a receiver. Don Marconi: I see and which fellows over there would be the receivers. Chris: Uhh...the coach just called a timeout and he's talking to two of the receivers Stan and Mick. Don Marconi: Very good. [Motions to goon then gets Chris's attention.] So looks like only time for one more play and youse guys are down by 5. It would be very impressive if you went in now and saved the day. [Goons enter pushing Stan and Mick from left to right of shot and exit] Chris: Totally. That would be the greatest thing ever. [Coach enters abruptly from right] Coach: Oh my goodness both my receivers have gone missing. Chris I need you in the lineup. And what's more, the pass is going to you. It's the last thing they'll expect. Now get out there and make me proud! [Coach exits abruptly to right. Chris has incredulous look on his face. Goons return.] Don Marconi: Hey, good luck Chris. [Chris exits to left] [Marconi waves at Chris then motions towards goon. Goon takes off trench coat to reveal ref's shirt and takes the field. Marconi motions to other goon who exits to the right.] [Voice drones in from off stage as Don Marconi sits watching the action.] Announcer: And in a highly unusual move it appears as though the ref is being replaced. He doesn't seem to want to leave but now it appears something is being said to him and yes he's leaving. Well all strangeness aside this will be the final play of the game with Conneticut State down by 5. We'll see if they can pull anything off here. There's the snap, the pass and ohh Chris Doltz has missed it...no wait the ref is picking the ball up and giving it to him...he seems to be telling him to run...and now it appears that the referee is blocking for him as Doltz runs into the endzone for a...touchdown? Why this is the most ridiculous..hey what's going on here...who are you...what?...uhhhh...oh yes this is absolutely amazing, Chris Doltz has won it for Conneticut State. I'm gonna go out on a limb and announce Chris Doltz as the star of this game. What a terrific play by Chris Doltz! [Enter Chris with fans in tow] Chris: I don't know what happened out there but I feel terrific. Thank you for coming down Mr. Marconi. That was really nice of you. Just having you here, I think really helped a lot. Don Marconi: No problem. And look what else I brought you. [goon enters from right with small bike] Chris: That...that looks like my old bike. Don Marconi: That's right. Chris: But...I gave that to charity. Don Marconi: Yes, and I got it back and now it's yours again. Remember, on the porch 7:30, just the way I like it. Chris: But that's all the way in Kentucky, how am I supposed to... Don Marconi: You're a smart boy. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Goodbye. [Chris walks off mad and pushes away fans. Then returns to get bike and walks off mad again End with an exstatic George W. Bush being carried into the shot by a group of cheerleaders.] [fade out to Bob Marley's 'Redemption Song'] Rate or review this sketch. |
