|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eugene.....Horatio Sanz Toby.....Jimmy Fallon First Customer.....Chris Kattan Second Customer.....Dean Edwards Old Lady.....Rachel Dratch Third Customer.....Brad Garrett Mother.....Ana Gasteyer Jeremy.....Chris Parnell [ show clip of the outside of Safeway grocery store; then cut to a "10 Items or Less" checkstand ] [ Toby is working the cash register and scanning items; Eugene is at the end of the counter, bagging the groceries and loading them onto the cart ] Toby: Thank you for shopping at Safeway. Have a nice day now! First Customer: You too! Eugene: Do you want help out to the car with that? First Customer: Actually, yes, since I have some heavy items here.. Eugene: Yeah.. well screw that, I ain't lugging that crap outside! First Customer: Huh? Eugene: Just because you have heavy items, you think you deserve some sort of special treatment? Huh? No. Do it yourself, see you later, have a nice day! First Customer: Uh... whatever. [ Walks out of store with cart ] Eugene: (shaking his head) Some people are so self-centered, they think we should actually take groceries out to their car. Ha! Toby: What a moron. You know something, Eugene? Our previous jobs didn't really require people skills. After working for this place for two hours, I now realize how stupid people are. I mean seriously, every one seems like a huge pain in the ass! [ The Second Customer, an elderly black man, approaches the line suspiciously after hearing the banter. Toby scans two six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a pack of cigarettes ] Toby: Hey! How are you doing today? Pretty good? Yeah? Second Customer: Uh... not bad, actually. Toby: Great, great. Will that be it for you? Second Customer: Yup. Toby: Your total is $21.38. Second Customer: I'll be using the ATM.. (swipes card) Toby: Cash back? Second Customer: No, thanks. Toby: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how you actually spend money on that alcohol. Second Customer: Pardon? Toby: You see, I tried Pabst Blue Ribbon once, and it seriously tasted like dog piss. And I'm not talking about dog piss that's been mixed in with water or other stuff, I mean fresh dog piss that hasn't even touched the ground. Second Customer: Man, you got issues. Toby: Don't we all. Oh yeah, I almost forgot... I need to see some ID. Second Customer: Why? I'm fifty-three years old, and I still need to show you my identification! Toby: Well, you see, the state of California has this new law.. (holds up a sign and reads it) "We Card." If you were born after today's date in 1980, you cannot purchase alcoholic beverages. So, why don't you just pull out your driver's license, okay? Second Customer: You be treatin' me like a fool! Toby: Well, as you know, Safeway has a tradition of excellent customer service, but that doesn't apply at this checkstand. [ tears off the receipt ] There's your receipt. Second Customer: (angry) I don't want no receipt! I do wanna git my son Dante ova here to kick yo' cracka ass! (leaves) Eugene: (shaking his head) Yeah, I can see what you're saying about everyone being stupid. Toby: And the funny thing is, he said I have issues, and there he is guzzling that underwear broth that he calls an alcoholic beverage. Sheesh. [ an Elderly Lady approaches the register ] Elderly Lady: Hello, young man! Toby: Hello, old wrinkly woman! Elderly Lady: (shocked a bit, but not angry yet) Please be careful with the cake, it's very fragile. [ Toby scans the cake and a few vegetables and passes them down to Eugene, who starts to put the veggies in a plastic bag ] Elderly Lady: Oh, it would be great of you to put a paper bag inside the plastic, you know, so it has handles. It's easier for me to carry them. Toby: We don't do that here. It's single-plastic, or no bags. Your choice. Elderly Lady: You don't have any paper bags? Toby: Yes, we do have paper bags, but we don't use them. We mainly let them sit here under the counter so nobody can use them. Okay? Elderly Lady: Well, it would be nice, but I guess one plastic bag will have to do. Eugene: Yeah, OK. [ continues to bag ] Hey Toby, what time is it? Toby: 11:40. Eugene: Dude, I'm starving! And I don't go to lunch until 3! Toby: Why don't you just take a break then, and get yourself a few chicken nuggets from the deli? Eugene: That's cool, I can hold off for another three hours... (looks inside the Elderly Lady's cart). I'm sorry, ma'am, but I seem to have bagged this wrong. (picks the cake out of the cart) Elderly Lady: No, it was just fine the way it was. Eugene: No, you see, I need to bag this cake again, just gimme a sec here to fix this. [ immediately puts the cake down on the counter, takes the plastic top off, and digs his hand into the cake. He shoves the handful of cake into his mouth ] Elderly Lady: Hey! What are you doing? Eugene: (with his mouth full) Nuffing! Toby: Yo, let me in on that. (takes some of the cake and eats it) Mmm, good fftuff! Eugene: I can't finish this, man, it's too big. (turns to elderly lady) You want some? Here, have what's left. (picks up the tray which has half of the cake left and throws it at her.. the cake lands right on her face) Elderly Lady: (shouting) I can't believe this! I'm never coming here again! (storms out of the store, while wiping cake off her face. Eugene: Wow.. what a psycho! Toby: The older they get, the weirder. [ Toby looks at the line of customers and notices a Mother with her five-year-old son is after the Third Customer ] Toby: [ to Eugene ] Oh, nuts, it's that bitch again! Eugene: You mean the mom that barked at us when we worked at Toys R Us and the DMV? Toby: Yeah, can you believe it? She's 3 for 3 now. Eugene: That sucks. [ Third Customer walks up ] Toby: What up! Did you find everything OK? Third Customer: Yeah, I think you have some frosting on your face. Toby: Yeah, I know. But thanks for pointing it out! [ scans bread and a six-pack of soda ] That'll be it for you? Third Customer: No, there's still some more on the belt there. Toby: Oh... my bad. [ puts the soda and bread in one bag; Eugene looks on idly, then notices something is amiss ] Eugene: Yo, Tobe! Toby: Yeah? Eugene: Your bagging is all wrong! [ takes the soda and bread out of the bag ] You're supposed to put the heavier items on top! [ Eugene then puts the bread back into the bag, then drops the six-pack onto the bread from three feet up; the bread squishes flat ] Third Customer: Hey! What the hell did you do that for? Eugene: Just doing my job! Jeez! Third Customer: You're a moron. You know what, I'll bag the rest of this myself. Seriously, now. Eugene: No, dude, I know how! Just give me one more chance, OK? Third Customer: Fine, but one more slip-up and I'll have to talk to your manager. Eugene: Coo'. [ Toby slides over a flask of vinegar to Eugene; he looks in the bag and can't fit the flask into the bag with the soda and bread ] Oh well, I guess I can't bag this.. I'll just set it aside for a sec. [ Eugene then picks up the vinegar and throws it over his shoulder; the flask hits the ground and shatters, spraying vinegar and glass all over the ground ] Third Customer: [ at a loss for words ] You... I... ... I can't believe this! Where's your manager? Eugene: He's on lunch. Third Customer: Well who's in charge here? Toby: Nobody's in charge. I guess we are. Ha! Got you! Third Customer: You can set my order aside, I'm outta here. You two are a failure to humanity! Bastards! [ storms out ] Toby: Dude, that guy was a fag. Eugene: Yeah, totally. Did you see the way he walked out? His wrists were swaying back and forth, and stuff. Toby: Fudgepackers... who needs 'em. [ Mother walks up to the counter with her five-year-old son Timmy, and looks at Toby ] Mother: Oh no... not again! Toby: Hey hey! What up biznatch! Mother: What did you say? Toby: Biznatch. It's a slang term for someone who is short tempered and nagging, but deep down inside, is a really cool person. Mother: Well, uh.. that's nice. Toby: So did you find everything you were looking for? Mother: Yes. Everything was fine. Toby: [ scans a large box of diapers, a small box of condoms, then scans a package of Kotex maxi-pads, then stops and holds up the package ] It's that time of month again, eh? Mother: [ immediately offended ] That is way out of line! You have no right to say such derogatory things! Toby: Whoa there! I think one package isn't enough! [ picks up the phone and turns on the PA ] "Jeremy, we need three more econo-size Kotex maxi-pads on checkstand two, please. Repeat, three jumbo maxi-pads on checkstand two. Customer is waiting very impatiently, and needs them now. Thanks." Mother: (angry and embarrassed) You are a dirty, filthy, whiny, snot-nosed, horsecrap-corn-eating creep! [ Jeremy the stocker wheels in three cases of maxi-pads from the back room ] Jeremy: Is this enough? Toby: Yeah, just leave it over there by Eugene. Jeremy: OK. [ leaves ] [ Eugene starts talking to Timmy while Toby rings up the new cases ] Eugene: Hey Timmy, does Mommy seem a little mad lately? You know, sort of nagging? Timmy: Sorta. Eugene: Yeah, you see Timmy, there comes a time every month where Mommy gets irritated. You know. She gets angry, pissed off, and yells and hollers like she's crapping out a brick. Timmy: [ turns to Mommy ] Do you crap out bricks? Mother: NO! Timmy, go to the car, now! Do what Mommy says! Timmy: [points to Eugene] Mommy, that guy said that it's that time of month again. Mother: What? You told my Timmy that? Huh? Eugene: Actually, I'm sorry. I meant to say that it's not just that time of month. You see, Timmy.. Mommy's PMS lasts for months on end. Timmy: Mommy, what's PMS? Mother: That's enough! I am going over to the police station now, and you will be put away somewhere horrible! [ storms out of the store with Timmy! Toby: Well, Eugene, I guess we'll be fired from this job, once Mr. Mahovlich comes back from his vacation. Eugene: Yeah, the boss is gonna be pissed. Toby: Yeah, well we better get that vinegar spill cleaned up. Go take a break, Eug, I'll have Jeremy do it. [ picks up P.A. phone ] "Jeremy, we need you to come to checkstand two and clean up the vinegar that Eugene spilled all over the floor. And no, that is not a sexually suggestive remark. Thank you." [ next customer comes up to counter ] Toby: Hi, did you find everything... [ end sketch ] Rate or review this sketch. |
