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On a ship, similar to a pirate ship, there is a HANDYMAN, an EXOTIC DANCER (female), a COOK, a DOCTOR (female), and a CLOWN. They are all standing next to each other in that order. The CAPTAIN walks in front of them. Captain: Now then. As you know, times have been rather rough as of late. Our health is deteriorating and there's not much food left on the ship. In fact, there's only enough food for five of us. Handyman: But there's...one, two, three...four, five, six of us. Captain. Captain: That's what I'm saying. One of us has to go. Everyone immediately looks at the clown. Clown: Me! Why do I have to go? Cook: Well, what function do you do around here? Clown: I do lots of things! Exotic Dancer: Yeah. Like putting whoopee cushions in our chairs when we go to sit down. Handyman: And switching the shampoo with nair. Exotic Dancer: I didn't know we had shampoo. Cook: I didn't know we had nair. Clown: Look. If anyone should go, it should be the captain. DOCTOR: You can't get rid of the captain. He's the only one who knows how to run the ship. Clown: All he does is move a wheel. How hard is that? I mean, I thought it was the captain went down with his ship. Captain: Well, the ship's not going down. Clown: (pointing to the handyman) Well, what about him? What does he do around here? Handyman: I'm the handyman. Who do you think repairs all the things that break around here? Clown: (pointing to the doctor) Well, fine. What about her? Doctor: I'm a doctor! Clown: You're a dentist. Doctor: Well, what do you think a dentist is? Clown: It's not a doctor. Can a dentist help you if you're appendix bursts? Exotic Dancer: You can't get rid of the doctor! Clown: Well what about the cook? Cook: What about the cook? Clown: Well, what do you need a cook for? You just said we didn't have any food. Handyman: Any food with you here! Clown: All right, fine. But explain to me this. Why is it the exotic dancer says but the clown goes? Cook: Well, she's more entertaining than you are. Clown: You only say that because she gives you free B.J.'s! Cook: That's another reason why we're keeping her. Clown: Well, she might be more entertaining than me but can she do this. The clown pulls a custard pie out of his trousers and slaps himself in the face with it, making a silly noise. Exotic Dancer: So that's where all the food's been going! He's been sticking it down his trousers! Handyman: Yeah. We could of ate that pie! Captain: That's it. Throw him off, boys. The handyman and the cook pick him up and carry him to the edge of the boat. Clown: (while being carried) Look. A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and says put in on my bill. The handyman and the cook throw him over. Splash! Black out. Rate or review this sketch. |
