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Film Producer.....Ana Gasteyer Jack.....Brad Garrett Gus.....Chris Parnell Cindy.....Rachel Dratch Frank.....Horatio Sanz Mike.....Jimmy Fallon [Open to a table with the diverse group of people. The producer is standing up, speaking] Producer: I heard you guys were great with suggestions, so I'll leave you alone to do your magic. We need a film title and here's the script. [She tosses the script to Jack] Now I need to attend to personal matters, so just do your best. [The producer leaves the room and the "suggestion team" look at each other] Jack: Well crew, we've got a script about a man named Ken who finally comes to terms with his homosexuality. Any ideas on a title? Gus: I'm not comfortable with homos. Jack: I promise you, there's no body gay in this room. Gus: No, that was the title I suggested. Jack: Well, it's good, but it's not magical. We need that magic touch, like when we came up with "Pax" TV, that was magic! Cindy: How about, Citizen Kane? Jack: It's taken Cindy, remember? We saw it at a film festival, it was our first date! Do you even care anymore? Cindy: Citizen...Ken? Jack: Moving on, do you have any ideas Mike? Mike: How about...just how about...Didn't I Call Ken? Jack: Good, very good indeed... Mike: And we could abbreviate the title! Yes of course abbreviate it! Jack: Hmmm...D-I-C-...no! I'm sorry that won't work. Mike: Damn! Jack: Frank, do you have any ideas? Frank: How about: Mutant Turds from the Planet Frank? Jack: ...No. Frank: Teenage Mutant Turds from the Planet Frank? Jack: ...No. Frank: Okay, I got it: Giant Turds from the Planet Breast! Jack: ...No! Cindy: What about...Casablanca? Jack: Taken Cindy, taken. Just like you were supposed to be taken to the ball by me, not that back stabber James! Cindy: Okay...China Town? Jack: No Cindy! It's a film starring Jack: Nicholson! Cindy: Hmmm...I give up! Jack: Just like you gave up on our relationship! Gus: I've got it! I hate gays so much I could just scream about it! Jack: Gus please, keep your prejudices out of the work place. Gus: Actually that, once again, is my title suggestion! Mike: Hmm...Coming Out Closely, Ken Jack: That would be great! Abstract, yet true to the movie! Mike: And it would be great abbreviated! Jack: Well, let's see: C.O.C....No, I'm sorry Mike, that won't work. Cindy: [Out of nowhere] The Wizard of Oz! Jack: Once again Cindy, that has already been taken! Frank: The Wizard of the Big Breasted Turds from the Planet Whore! Jack: No, just no! Gus: I would beat any gay I see with a big old club! Jack: Come on Gus, stop! Gus: You just don't want to use my suggestions...bastard! Frank: Big Itchy Tires Crying Horny Jack: That makes no sense, it's... Mike: We could abbreviate that! Jack: Wait...B-I-T-C-H...No, we won't abbreviate that! Cindy: American Beauty! American Pie! American Virgin! Jack: Stop with the already taken movies... Gus: American fag! Jack: Stop with the bashings... Frank: Stupid Cancer Idiotic Planet! Mike: Abbreviate that! Abbreviate that! Jack: Stupid Cancer Idiotic Planet...it makes no sense... Mike: Abbreviate it! Abbreviate It! Jack: S-P-I-C...Spic Frank: Hey! I'm Hispanic! I take offense to that! Jack: Oh no Frank, I didn't mean anything by it... Frank: I'll sue! I'll sue! Jack: Frank, what if I let you name the movie whatever you want to name it! Frank: I'll settle for that! [Everyone in the room looks nervous. We fade out and fade back in to a movie theater with movies listed outside on their sign] Super: And so, that is how the movie "Big Old Cancer Eating Two-Headed Turds from the Planet Whore, Y'all" got it's name! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
