|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Godfather.....Lorne Michaels Jack.....Brad Garrett Gus.....Chris Parnell Cindy.....Rachel Dratch Mike.....Jimmy Fallon Paulie.....Robert Deniro [Open with the same scene from the first Suggestion Inc. sketch. Everyone listed in credits is around the table. Remember, Frank is no longer a part of Suggestion Inc. Lorne is genius as the Godfather. He even has cotton in his cheeks.] Godfather: This man, Jackie Doman, he committed sins against the Corloni family. However, he have run out of revenge ideas. What I need from you, is a suggestion for a way to get revenge on Jackie. Now I'll be leaving, to let you work in peace. [The Godfather leaves the room] Jack: Before we get started crew, I'd like to introduce to you our new team member, Paulie! [The audience explodes into cheers naturally at the sight of Deniro] Paulie: Honored to be working with you. Honored. Jack: Now, we need to help the Corloni family get revenge on Jackie. Any ideas? Cindy: How about we cut a horses head off and put it in his bed? Jack: It's been done Cindy, in the Godfather. Cindy: So we cut off the horse's other head...that's original! Jack: Ewww Cindy, just ewww. Mike: I like what she's saying here...only we cut his head off, then when he wakes up he'll be like "ahhh...my head fell off my shoulders!" Jack: We can't kill him Mike. Mike: Who said anything about killing him? Gus: I say we bring him to a strip club and make him stare at beautiful women! Jack: That may be just the opposite of torture Gus. Gus: Oh yeah...a gay strip club. [Nods his head nervously] Cindy: How about we bring him to a Lyle Lovett concert and make him sit through it? Jack: Or how about we make him sit through "War of the Roses" four consecutive times...Cindy?! Cindy: I loved that movie so much I watched it four...bastard. Gus: I say we make him sit through "Striptease" or "Show Girls"...those movies sucked! Jack: Are you gay Gus, because if you are, we're fine with it. Mike: I say we mold his feet in cement! Jack: I'm not sure if it will be that easy to that to Jackie without him noticing. Mike: Who said anything about Jackie? I'm talking about doing it to Gus! Paulie: Life could be understandable if you weren't the only one in the midstream of the concrete telephone. Jack: Words of wise from...a seemingly retarded Italian man. Cindy: What if we take all of his pants away, then replace them with old polyester disco pants? Jack: Like the ones you made me wear when we were married? Gus: Ha! Polyester is such a fashion wash up! I say we replace all his pants with dresses! Jack: You'd like that would you Gus? Mike: I think it would be damn hilarious! We cut off his legs then replace them with tree branches...classic Gus! Gus: I didn't say anything even close to that... Jack: Mike, you are a sick, sick man Cindy: I say we take poo-poo, then put it in his coffee pot! Ha ha ha! [Everyone is silent] Gus: [out of nowhere, breaking the silence] I'm not gay! Jack: No one's accused you within the last ten minutes Gus. Paulie: A man's sexuality is like his hemorrhage, neither is solid or communicable, just like a salmon in a washing machine. Old Italian saying that is. Jack: Paulie, do you have any mental diseases? Mike: That's it! We feed that Jackie guy cow brains...food for thought! Cindy: I ate cow brains on my trip to Hong Kong. It was quite good... Jack: The same trip that you "came down" with Syphilis and spread it to me? Whore. Cindy: I think we should put poo-poo on a stick and wave it in front of Jackie's eyes and nose. That would be true torture. Gus: I think Paulie should be fired! He keeps looking at me as if I have a problem or something. Do I have spinach between my teeth? Paulie: This is the kind of guy that eats his sorbet with a fork! Jack: Okay...everyone just shut up! You'll all get one last suggestion as to what we will do with this Jackie fellow. Bitch...I mean Cindy? Cindy: I say we make him look at your face all day. That's torture enough! Jack: Okay, Mike, your turn... Mike: I say we cut his ears off, flush them down his toilet, pour acid on the wounds, then lick him until he wakes up. Jack: Moving on...Gus? Gus: I'd like to ask Mike if he'd be willing to do that to me? But I swear I'm not gay! Jack: Paulie, you're my last chance in the world...help me here! Paulie: There's an old Italian saying that goes like this: a cord wrapped around a chicken's membrane means he's going North, while St. Ives is South and we'll all die during the preamble. Jack: Paulie, you are a genius! [Fade out and fade into a scene where we see a black night sky and hear screams in the far background] Super: And so, that is how the Corloni family came up with the idea to strangle Jackie with chicken wire, then send him towards St. Ives while making him listen to the Preamble over and over again. Rate or review this sketch. |
