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Mac Michaels.....Darrell Hammond Jack.....Brad Garrett Gus.....Chris Parnell Cindy.....Rachel Dratch Mike.....Jimmy Fallon Horatio.....Will Ferrell Frank.....Horatio Sanz [Open to the familiar scene of everyone sitting around the table] Mac Micheals: [In a deep Brooklyn accent] Yeah see, I'm Mac Michaels, pornographer genius. Usually, we pick a title for the porno, then work backwards, writing the film around the title. All I need from you is a title. Kosher? Good, I'm out. I'll be back in thirty minutes to check your progress. [He leaves the room] Jack: First off crew, I'd like to introduce a new member of the Suggestions Inc. team, Horatio! Horatio: Let me say it's an honor to be working with an Italian, a gay, a female, and a retard. Mike: I'm not gay though! Horatio: Exactly why you're retarded! [Breaks out laughing] Jack: Okay, now that Horatio is done categorizing us, does anyone have any ideas? Cindy: How about... "The Godf***er"? [Said word is bleeped out] Jack: Just like you Cindy, just like you. Mike: "Hush Hour"? Jack: Well, it's good, but it's not raunchy enough. Mike: "Blush Hour"? Jack: Close, but still not enough raunch. Mike: "F*** Hour"? Jack: Too raunchy. Gus, do you have any ideas? Gus: "Mommy Queerest"? Jack: Gus, if you are gay, it's okay to tell us. Gus: "American Bi"? Jack: Gus, are you ignoring me? Gus: "American Bi...2"? Jack: Horatio, any ideas? [Horatio is apparently making out with a blow up doll] Jack: Okay, I guess not. Cindy: "Horatio Whore-Blower"? Horatio: Hey, that's my name! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! The bitch used my name! Jack: I agree with Horatio, that's a terrible idea Cindy. Mike: "Planet of the Rapes"? Jack: Somehow I don't see that working either Mike. Mike: "Planet of the Homos"? Get it, Homo-Sapiens? Ha ha! Jack: Gus? Any other ideas? Gus: "Cape Queer?" "Primal Queer"? "Shakespeare's: King Queer"? "Alfred Hitchcock's: Queer Window"? Jack: Okay, so Gus likes to take titles that rhyme with "Queer" and satire them. However Gus, I think the movie's not a gay porn. Mike: "The Prostitute Diaries"? Jack: No Mike, it doesn't have quite the magic we need. Remember, such famous porn satires include "Plump Fiction", "Pearl Harder", and "Edward Penishands". We need a title like that for this script. Mike: "Eat Out Some Fish Called Wanda"? Jack: Too long. Mike: "Pleasureville"? Cindy: We could ask Nicolas Cage to do the movie and call it "The Cock". Jack: You'd like that would you, Cindy? Horatio: [Horatio stops making out with his hand] I think the fag would too! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Gus: I'm not gay! But how about "Lock, Cock, and two Smoking Testicles"? Jack: Too gay. Gus: It's not even a gay suggestion! Mike: I'd like to suggest "Illegally Blonde". Jack: Very good, but that just isn't porno enough. Mike: Umm... "Crouching Hummer, Hidden Handjob"? Jack: Too Clinton-Esque. Cindy: "America's Sweet-Breasts"? Jack: Too bad that doesn't apply to you...maybe our marriage would have lasted longer! Cindy: "Osmosis's Bone?" Jack: Was that one of your boyfriend's on the side too? Cindy: How about "Orgasmic Park"? Jack: No. Horatio, you haven't suggested anything yet. Have you any ideas? Horatio: "Jay and Silent Bob...Do Each other!" "Cheech and Chong...Do Each other!" "Thelma and Louise...Do Each other!" "Tom and Jerry..." Jack: I get it, I get it. I now understand why you haven't suggested anything yet and I wish you had kept it that way. Mike: "E.T...The Extra Tit"? Jack: [Laughing] Mike, I'm beginning to think that you may actually be retarded. Horatio: I'm a big porn star. I make one man pornos! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mike: That sounds like fun! Jack: We're going off on tangents again! Let's stick to suggestions! Cindy: "Do the Right Girl"? Jack: Not catchy enough, kind of like you...whore. Cindy: How about "Malcolm-Sex"? Jack: No more Spike Lee films, none. Cindy: "Doing John Malkovich"? Jack: No! Cindy: You said no more Spike Lee, films that was Spike Jonze! Gus: "American Booty"? Jack: Good Gus, but not good enough. Gus: "Life is Bootiful"? Jack: Even better, but not magical. Gus: "Lil' Dicky"? Jack: Gus, why don't you just slow down and take a few minutes to think these out. Mike: I've got it! "Raping Private Ryan"! Jack: No...no no no! Cindy: "When Harry Did Sally"? Jack: My God, it would be a perfect title! Too bad I don't like you! [Cindy opens her mouth wide, dumbfounded and speechless] Jack: No I'm not in the mood for that right now Cindy, plus it's too little too late. Cindy: [Abruptly shuts her mouth] I give up...I quit! Jack: Good. Anyone else have any ideas? Mike: "From Dick 'til Dawn"? Gus: "Erin Did-That-Bitch"? Mike: "Some Like it Raw"? Gus: "Kramer did Kramer?" [There is an uproar as the door is opened and Frank enters the room holding a gun.] Frank: Do you know you can roam the streets of L.A. with a gun in your hand, but the moment they catch you with a dildo, they lock you up in prison? Jack: My God! Frank, you let yourself go! Frank: What? I've always been this fat...and sweaty! Jack: Oh, I apologize, I mixed you up with Paulie! Cindy: Yeah, I do that with vitamins and valium sometimes! [Everyone stares at Cindy] Jack: [Shakes his head] So Frank, what brings you back? Frank: That movie you made me name, I've been harassed about it constantly for the last few weeks. I want revenge! Jack: Okay Frank, just drop the gun and leave the room! Frank: I might do something crazy! Crazy I tell you! Maybe I'll force you all to eat Arby's food! Mike: Oh dear God we're all going to die! I just want everyone to know, I love you all...except you Frank, you really suck. I hate Arby's! Gus: Well...I guess I just wanted to tell you all something, before we all face certain death. It may come as some surprise but... Jack: You're gay right? We all knew that for a long time. Gus: How did you know! I thought I did such a great job of hiding it! Horatio: Gus, I love you! I'm gay also! Gus: How invigorating! I'm also a virgin! But I'd love to change that before I die! [Horatio and Gus begin to kiss, then drop to the floor, out of view] Jack: Cindy...I just want to let you know, even though we divorced, I never stopped loving you! I love you Cindy! Cindy: Aww...how sweet! [Jack and Cindy begin making out, then also drop to the floor, out of view] Mike: Oh boy! This is my chance to try that "One Man Porno" thing! [We fade out of the room and to a black screen] Super: And maybe it was just coincidence that the security cameras were rolling the entire time, or maybe it was fate. Either way, the entire ordeal was caught on camera and Mac Michaels had his porno title: "Suggestions Inc....After Dark". Not only did he have a title, but he also had the entire movie, including gay, straight, and one man porno scenes. Of course, Suggestions Inc.'s reputation was ruined and no one ever hired them again, but their legacy still lives on through their porno movie! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
