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Max.....Brad Garrett Jon.....Jerry Minor Mya the Prostitute.....Maya Rudolph Tom Cruise.....Jimmy Fallon Bee-Girl.....Rachel Dratch John Ritter.....Horatio Sanz Mikey.....Chris Parnell Porky Pig.....Darrell Hammond [Open with credits. Written and Directed by: Will Roy. Introduce title: 'The Unusual Suspects'. Fade to exterior scene. A city street with a dead woman lying on the sidewalk. She is clad like a prostitute. Another woman is standing above her screaming. Cut to new scene. Interior: A man is pouring a cup of coffee in an interrogation room. He brings the cup of coffee to the woman we saw screaming on the sidewalk] Max: Ma'am, I promise you we'll find the person who killed your whore-friend. Mya: Gee thanks. I just hope you do find her. Jon: I assure you ma'am, we're the best damn whore-killer-catchers in New York. Mya: But this is L.A.! Jon: Damn. You're right. [Cut to new scene. Interior. Police lineup with five criminals: Tom Cruise, Blind Melon's Bee- Girl, John Ritter, Porky Pig, and Mikey, the Life Cereal kid.] Max: Mya, could any of these be the killer of your whore-friend? Mya: It could be any of them! Any of them! Jon: We'll have to interrogate each one of them. Max: Let's get to it good buddy. Jon: Honky! Don't you call me good buddy! [Cut to new interior scene. We're back to the interrogation room. Tom Cruise is being interrogated] Max: Mr. Cruise, we don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, we just need the truth. I'll ask you a series of questions, and you just answer yes or no. Got it? Tom Cruise: [Smiling] What's my motivation? What's my characterization? Jon: Yo motivation is to answer our questions before I beat ya' ass in! Tom Cruise: [Still Smiling] This black guy, this black guy is hilarious! Max: Mr Cruise, is it true that you recently were divorced? Tom Cruise: Yes. Now who is this black guy? [Jon growls at Tom Cruise and Cruise cracks up laughing] Max: So is it not true that you could have had illegitimate with, among others, a prostitute? Tom Cruise: No, that hasn't happened. Max: But isn't it true you've been seen with Penelope Cruz? Tom Cruise: She's uhh...my sister. Max: Tell me the truth... Tom Cruise: Okay fine. She's been showing me how to get a perfect bikini wax. Max: Dear God! What did you just say? Jon: That messed up cracker just said he needs a perfect bikini wax. Max: Are you sure you didn't kill that hooker, Mr. Cruise? Tom Cruise: Yeah see...[leans in]...could I go to jail? Jon: Damn right you can! Tom Cruise: Okay listen, this can't leave this room, okay? Max: Fine, fine. Tom Cruise: I didn't kill her because [gives us one of his signature s***-eating smiles] well I'm flamingly, extremely, unbelievably, undoubtedly GAY! [Sighs and wipes the sweat from his forehead] I mean, I'm basically Christopher Lowell gay...Richard Simmons gay! [Leans in further] For God's sake...I'm Pauly Shore gay! Jon: [Rolls his eyes] Now I've seen everything! [Cut to the same room. Now it's Bee-Girl being interrogated. Blind Melon's "No Rain" is playing quietly and stops after Max brings her a cup of coffee] Max: Ma'am, please list your name and occupation. Bee-Girl: Bee-Girl, sad, confused little girl in a bee costume trying to find myself. Jon: [Looks confused] You cracker kids confuse me! Max: Ma'am, are you sure you're still bee-girl...that Blind Melon video came out almost ten years ago, haven't you moved on? Bee-Girl: No...after that video I was a superstar! I was bigger than even Michael Bolton! Max: Look...Bee-Girl...have you been wearing that costume all this time? Bee-Girl: [nods her head] It's horrible wearing it! It got so tight it stunted the growth of my breasts! Jon: So you been whoreing yo-self out? Bee-Girl: [Looks ashamed] Yes. After they stopped playing the video on Mtv I had no where else to go. I felt like...like those poor animals in "Homeward Bound". Only, I'm not an animal...and I wasn't "Homeward Bound". Max: So it's no doubt you may have felt threatened by this particular prostitute and felt as if you had to stop her for the better of yourself? Bee-Girl: No! No no no! I haven't been a whore for almost a year now! In fact, I joined a group therapy of former hookers. I even met Heidi Fleiss! Jon: You a deranged cracker! Max: But one thing still boggles my mind Bee-Girl. You were the wet dream of so many young boys...why did you throw it all away? Bee-Girl: I had an affair with that spider from the movie "IT". I got pregnant and had no choice to abort it. After that, my entire life was messed up. [Cut out and then back to interrogation scene. Mikey is now sitting there] Max: Mr.....Mr...... Mikey: Just call me Mikey. Max: Mikey, tell me, did you kill this woman? [Shows a picture to Mikey] Mikey: This is a picture of a pimply ass. Max: Sorry, I bought that off Ebay...it's Barbara Walters. [Produces another picture] This woman? Mikey: Nope. Actually I've never killed anyone. Jon: Don't you be lying! Max: Mikey, is it not true as the Life Cereal spokesperson, you were known to "like it". In fact some of your peers exclaimed "he likes it! He likes it!" Mikey: Yeah, that's about how it was. [Shrugs his shoulders] Max: Tell me Mikey, you were also known to try new things, if asked to you? Mikey: Yup. Max: Then why would it be so bad if you were to, oh say, try and kill a hooker? Mikey: My God no! I would never kill her! Sure I've hired a few, but never killed them. Ever since I made that damn Life Cereal commercial, everyone has been asking me to be a product tester. One guy actually convinced me to try this new dildo they had on the market. Another company paid me to try their douche. I thought it was a new tissue of some sort. I was pulling pieces of douche out of my nose for weeks! Max: Okay, here you go. [Gives Mikey an index card with writing on it] Mikey: What's this? Max: Bee-Girl's phone number. Give her a buzz. Mikey: Why would I want to get her drunk? I'd probably end up killing her too. [Fade out and cut back to the interrogation room. This time it's John Ritter, slightly fatter with more facial hair than when we last saw him in Three's Company and t.v. movies] Max: Welcome Mr. Ritter. John Ritter: Thanks, honored to be here. So what role will I be playing in the t.v. movie? The pimp? Jon: If anyone plays the pimp it's me, honky! Max: Actually, we called you here to question you about the murder. John Ritter: Well I don't know anything. [Shrugs] Max: Yes, but I'd just like to ask you some questions. Now your character on Three's Company, his name was Jack T. Ripper? John Ritter: Actually it was Jack Tripper. Max: [Ignores that last statement] So Jack T. Ripper, the "T" could very well stand for "The", am I correct. John Ritter: What are you talking about? Max: Your character's name was "Jack The Ripper", and what did Jack the Ripper do? John Ritter: Please, you've lost me... Max: He killed whores! So you admit it! You killed her! Jon: Max, you just slow down now and let me do some questioning. Is it true, Mr. Ritter, that your character on Three's Company seemed to always fall over couches or get hit by swinging saloon doors? John Ritter: Yes, and boy did that piss me off! Jon: So that could have made you very angry, correct? Angry enough to KILL?! John Ritter: That's hardly accurate... Jon: Mr. Ritter, or shall I call you Tripper? What happened to all those roommates that suddenly disappeared from your show? John Ritter: Their contracts ran out, this is hardly relevant... Jon: Roomates don't just disappear Mr. Tripper, you killed them, didn't you?! John Ritter: I didn't kill anyone! [Tries to get up, but in the process flips his chair backwards. This is a scene right out of Three's Company] Dammit! I'm leaving! [Fade out and cut back into the interior interrogation scene. Darrell Hammond, as Porky Pig is sitting, preparing to be interrogated. He is in heavy makeup to look exactly like Porky. The effect is brilliant] Max: Mr. Pig, let me ask you straight out, did you kill her? Porky Pig: I d-d-d-d-d-d-id-did-didn't k-k-k-k-k-kill an-an-an-any pr-pr-pr-pros-pros-pros WHORE! [He yells whore after getting too frustrated to pronounce "Prostitute"] Max: How sure are you of that, Mr. Pig? Porky Pig: [Snorts] F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-fu-f-fu- SCREW YOU! Max: Calm down Mr. Pig, it was a simple question. Now, can't it be said truthfully that you once had a girlfriend named Petula? Porky Pig: Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y...UH-HUH! Max: And what happened to her, Mr. Pig? Porky Pig: P-p-p-p-pa-pas-p-p-p-pas...DIED! Max: And did you kill her too, Mr. Pig? Porky Pig: [Breaks out crying] The b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-butcher g-g-g-g-got her! Max: Lock him up Jon, he lies. Porky Pig: N-n-n-n-n-no! Max: [Wipes his sweaty hands] Another swine culprit caught! [Cut out and cut into a street scene. Mikey is walking alone on the sidewalk. His hands are in his pockets. He is speaking to himself] Mikey: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Too bad I couldn't do the same. I don't even have a damn catchphrase! Others can run around screaming "You'll never get me Lucky Charms" or something like that, but me, I'm just a whore-killing loser. Well, at least I've got my pride. Hey...wait a minute...I don't have any pride! I'm worse than Cap'n Crunch! [Begins sobbing] [Begin END credits. Cut to scene...a still picture: photograph of Porky Pig standing behind bars. Then, in large text:] That's all folks! Rate or review this sketch. |
