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President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
[Scene opens with a shot of the Presidential Seal] Voiceover: And now, a special message from the President of the United States. [Cut to a shot of the President sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office] Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am glad to see you all well after the terrible attacks on our country on September 11th. I just want the American people to know that those who were responsible for this attack will pay dearly. We will not give in to terra. We have all our forces mobilized, and it is only a matter of time before these turists will be smoked out of their holes and destroyed. [pause] This country is strong, and we will not be intimidated by cowardly attacks on our liberty. Freedom will win in the end, as will we. [Dramatic pause] As. Will. We. But my purpose tonight is not to promise threats of retaliation. My message tonight is one of information. Several nations have asked the United States to lay out the proof we have that Osama Bin Laden was responsible for these attacks. We will do this... in time. But not tonight. Tonight I would like to share with you new allegations that have been raised against Osama Bin Laden, and his al Queda turist network. Bin Laden has ties to many other heinous activities in American history. Among them: * Osama Bin Laden's al Queda network has been linked to the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln in 1863. * Osama Bin Laden personally triggered the Stock Market Crash and the Great Depression of the 1930's. * The iceberg that sank the Titanic in 1912 was financed by Osama Bin Laden. * Osama Bin Laden was the first National Guard Officer to fire on Kent State students in 1970, leading to thirteen student casualties. * Osama Bin Laden was the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan from 1959-1964. * Osama Bin Laden's relationship and subsequent marriage to John Lennon in 1969 broke up the Beatles. * Osama Bin Laden's bungled robbery at the Watergate hotel led to President Richard Nixon's resignation in 1974. * Osama Bin Laden's evil "Cobra Kai" dojo terrorized karate students in the 1980's. * Osama Bin Laden lip-synched all the songs on his 1990 Grammy Award Winning album. * Osama Bin Laden does not recycle. * Osama Bin Laden wrote the screenplay for the film "Freddy Got Fingered," starring his son, militant extremist/comedian Tom Green. * In a recent speech, Osama Bin Laden leaked the winner of Survivor 3, which has not yet aired on TV. * There is proof that Osama Bin Laden accepted bribes, bet on baseball, and threw the 1919 World Series. We have concrete evidence that Osama Bin Laden and his al Queda network have participated in all these nefarious activities. It is now the time that we must stop him. For his crimes against America, Bin Laden will be hunted down, destroyed, and banned from baseball for life. [He turns to face another camera] Now, this speech is not all about tracking down our enemies. I have been very heartened to see the spirit of America come together through all this terra. We are truly a nation united, a nation of the people. We are strong, America. And one thing a nation needs in a time of unity is a patriotic song to unite us. A song to rally behind. During the Civil War, we rallied behind "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". During World War I, it was George Cohan's "Over There". And now, I have taken it upon myself to select a new patriotic verse; a song that sums up the feeling of America in this time of war. Let me now read you the lyrics, so eloquently phrased by Mr. Dee Snider in 1984. [He pulls out a piece of paper to read off. He reads it very seriously, with great resonance to the words.] "We're not gonna take it. No. [pause] We aint gonna take it. [He pounds his fist on the desk] Oh we're not gonna take it. Anymore." "We've got the right to choose. And there aint no way we'll lose it. This is our life. This is our song. We'll FIGHT the powers that be. Just don't pick our destiny 'cause You don't know us. [pause to look at camera] You don't belong." [He starts to get angry. His face reddens as the actual song "We're not gonna take it" starts playing in the background. He stands up.] "Your life is trite and JADED! Boring and confiscated! If that's your BEST, your BEST won't do!" [He walks toward the camera, angrily clutching his fists. The music is very loud behind him as the crowd starts to get into it.] "We're RIGHT! We're FREE! We'll FIGHT! YOU'LL SEE!!" "WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO! WE AINT GONNA TAKE IT! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT...ANYMORE!" Presidential Aide: [off camera] He's out of control! Stop him! [Two of his aides rush from off camera to restrain him as Bush starts yelling into the camera like a pro wrestler] Bush: You hear that, Bin Laden? You ready for pain? Whatcha gonna do... I say, WHATCHA GONNA DO, when Bushamania comes down on YOU?? [His aides grab his arms. With great ease, Bush flings them aside. One of them crashes into his desk. They are powerless to stop him. The audience is singing and clapping along with the music now.] Bush: [very angrily, pointing at the camera] Bin Laden, I'm fixin' to get pissed! You don't (bleep) with a man from Texas! And I got all my little Bushamaniacs behind me, ready to go medieval on your ass! Are you ready? Tell me, punk, you ready for a beating? Bin Laden, you better lube up... cause you're about to be fisted by justice! [Four more large aides rush Bush and try to restrain him. He starts flinging them aside like they were children. He barely realizes they are there. The music is very loud behind him, hitting the chorus: "Oh, we're not gonna take it.."] Bush: [tearing off his shirt] New York is still standing, America! Live from New York, the greatest city in the world.... it's Bush time! Rate or review this sketch. |
