|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Walter Matthau.....Darrell Hammond Woman.....Ana Gasteyer Jack Lemmon.....Chris Parnell Marilyn Monroe.....Reese Witherspoon Jesus.....Will Ferrell Voice of God.....Jimmy Fallon Voice of Satan.....Dean Edwards Don King.....Tracy Morgan [Open with Walter Matthau standing in a line at the "Pearly Gates". The line is barely moving. Clouds surround everything. This is heaven] Walter Matthau: Is this line going to move or should I just catch the first train back to purgatory? Woman: [in a Brooklyn accent] Look, just wait your turn! I got hit by a bus and it isn't very comfortable standing here! [Her face is smashed and bloody] Walter Matthau: [Checks his watch] It's been months since I got here, why won't this line move?! Woman: They ran out of housing for everyone, Heaven is overcrowded. Apparently we're going to have roommates from now on. [There is a crash of thunder and a bolt of lightning. Jack Lemmon appears] Jack Lemmon: Walter! Shucks! Isn't this great?! I'm dead too! What a coincidence! I thought for sure you'd be in hell! Walter Matthau: Oh no! It was bad enough making all those movies with you...now I have to see you for eternity! Now I am wishing I was in hell! [Cut to credits. Here is a montage with the classic "Odd Couple" theme song] Super: "Starring: Jack Lemmon as his neat, flamboyant, and proper self. Walter Matthau as his disgusting, grumpy, and manner-less self. Featuring: Jesus, as Walter's poker buddy [Show Jesus smoking a cigar and dealing out cards] All this and more on: The Heavenly Couple." [Open in on Walter's cloud-apartment. The cloud is messy with dirty cloths, old pizza boxes, and a half deflated blow-up doll] Walter Matthau: [Sitting in an old chair smoking a cigar and watching television. We hear dialogue from an episode of "The Odd Couple" coming from the television] That Jack Klugman didn't do half as good a job as I did! [There is a knock heard in the distance. Walter looks irritated] Walter Matthau: What? Who is it?! Jesus: [Emerges from offstage] Dude! I just got word from Pete that Heaven's full man! They're going to start having to move people in with each other to battle the overcrowding. This like...totally sucks! Walter Matthau: Well, you could always move in with me. Jesus: And give up my pimped-out bachelor pad? Hellll-no! Walter Matthau: Well, who's the lucky bastard that gets to move in with me? Jack Lemmon: [Comes onstage] Guess who's going to be living together? Walter Matthau: Oh God no! God no, please! [Looking up to the sky] If you're up there further somewhere please help! Please God you humble sonofabitch, if I ever needed a miracle it's now! I'll promise to pay the favor back! Any woman, any woman at all...she's yours! I've got connections! [No longer looking hopeful] At least give me some sign? [A giant foam hand falls from the sky. It is lifting only the middle finger] Walter Matthau: Oh God no! [Breaks down into tears] Not again! Jack Lemmon: Isn't this great Walt? Now we can work on that script we were going to work on before you died! The one where you play a sewer worker and I play a giant rat? Walter Matthau: Now I remember why I died! [Fade out and fade back into the same scene, only this time the apartment is half messy and half extremely clean and neat. Walter Mathau is alone in the apartment, smoking a cigar in his chair. We can hear "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" theme song begin] Walter Matthau: Man, it's been a long time since I've heard that. Hmmm...[Makes sure no one is around, then begins to rap along] [Rapping]...Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down... [begins to move and bob like a rapper] ...In westville Philadelphia, born and raised...[There is a knock at the door and Jack Lemmon appears. Walter quickly fumbles to shut off the t.v., then finally is able to. He looks embarrassed.] I was just uhhh...masturbating. Doesn't anyone knock up here? Jack Lemmon: No time for questions. I've got to get to this legal matter in a few moments and...oh yeah there's some girl outside waiting for you. Marilyn Monraw or Monroke? Walter Matthau: Marilyn Monroe? Send her in!! Send her in!! ...Hey, wait a minute, what "legal matters" do you have to attend to in Heaven? Jack Lemmon: Umm...just this thing... Walter Matthau: Look, we'll talk later, just send Marilyn in when you go out. Jack Lemmon: Well look, this legal matter kind of sort of involves you... Marilyn Monroe: [Pokes her head in the door] Mr. President? Happy birthday... Walter Matthau: I'm not the president you slut! I'm Walter Mathau! Marilyn Monroe: Oh, I apologize, I was looking for Mr. President Kennedy, I guess I got your room number room. This is... Walter Matthau: Room 96... Marilyn Monroe: Oh that's right, Johnny's room number is 69. Sorry boys... Walter Matthau: Get out you stupid slut! I've got my hand! Marilyn Monroe: That's...disturbing. [Leaves the room] Walter Matthau: Damn those flighty bitches! Now what did you want? Jack Lemmon: Well see, I just got a message from a guy named Legion wanted to know something about a contract I signed a few years ago...apparently this whole deal had slipped my mind. You see when we were both struggling in our careers I signed a contract selling my soul to Satan in return for a successful movie. That's how the Odd Couple became so successful! Walter Matthau: [Looks extremely excited] This means you're going to hell? Ah ha! They always said cleanliness was next to heavenliness, how wrong they were! Ah ha! Good riddance! Jack Lemmon: Actually... Walter Matthau: What?! Is there more? More exciting news?! Jack Lemmon: Well when I was making the deal Satan asked me to throw in an extra soul...so...I sort of signed your name on the contract also... Walter Matthau: Tell me you're joking... Jack Lemmon: [Grins nervously] I'm uhhh...sorry? Walter Matthau: Oh no! Does this mean we're going to hell? Jack Lemmon: [Nods nervously] In three, two... [The room spins the scene changes so the two are now in hell. Sammy Davis Jr. is sitting at a bar stool, his face melting off, a cigar hanging from his mouth. George Burns walks up and lights his cigar on Sammy's. Hitler and Charlie Chaplin are shown playing tennis, using Napoleon's head for a ball] Voice of Satan: You two have just officially been damned! Now make me some pie! Walter Matthau: great job Jack, next thing you know we'll be playing golf with Nixon! Voice of Satan: Did you not hear me? Make me some damn pie you cracker-slaves! Voice of God: Those two were to be mine, in Heaven, where they belong! We need a comical duo in Heaven, at least until Jerry Lewis dies to join Dean Martin, or Bob Hope to join Bing Crosby. Voice of Satan: Ha ha ha! Nice try you pious bastard! It'll be a cold day in hell before I let you have these two back! Voice of God: Nice try Sat! But I'm more powerful than you! [There is a loud slapping sound and the comic-book type word "Pow" appears on the screen, like in the old Batman with Adam West.] Voice of Satan: Ow! Damn you! That was a cheap shot! [This time there is the sound of a fist smacking a face. The word "Wham!" appears on the screen] Voice of God: Oh you bastard! You'll pay for that one! [The fighting continues in the background as Don King appears] Walter Matthau: Don King! I didn't know you were dead! Don King: I took my own life when I heard God and Satan were fighting. Only in purgatory could I enjoy a fight on a night like this! I even ran a bet on God with Joe Dimaggio! He'd bet on anyone! Only in purgatory! [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
