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Newsman.....Jimmy Fallon Michael Jordan.....Tracy Morgan Bob Costas.....Darrell Hammond Steve "Snapper" Jones.....Will Ferrell Bill Clinton (voice).....Darrell Hammond (Superimposed: June 21, 2003) Newsman: Well, folks, after two seasons with the Washington Wizards and that heartbreaking loss to the eventual NBA champion Toronto Raptors in the conference final, we have word that Michael Jordan is now holding a news conference where he is expected to make a big announcement. Let's listen in. (Cut to news conference) Michael Jordan: Fans and members of the media, it has been a fun two years for this Washington Wizards team, but I believe the time has come. I have called this press conference to officially announce my retirement from the game of basketball. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have. Bob Costas: Yes, Michael, I have a question. Michael Jordan: Yes, Bob Costas. Bob Costas: (pause) How dumb do you think we are? Michael Jordan: Excuse me? Bob Costas: I've seen the first two retirement announcements and this one was just as phony. We all know you won't stay out of the game forever. Michael Jordan: Bob, with all due respect, I'm forty years old now, this is the ideal time for me to retire. Bob Costas: Just like a three-peat was the ideal way to end your first career? And the other three-peat and game winning shot was ideal to end your second career? I don't doubt for a second that you didn't owe us yet another three-peat. Michael Jordan: Oh, come on, I've only been back for two years! I think I want a new question. Yeah, Snapper Jones. Snapper: Okay. How does it feel to lie to a sportscasting legend like Bob Costas? Michael Jordan: Oh, come on, guys! This time it's for real, I mean it! Bob Costas: Hey, I understand we have a phone call from Chappequa, New York. Go ahead, caller. Bill Clinton: (on phone) Hi, this is your former President speaking. Michael Jordan: Hello, Mr. President, do you have something to say? Bill Clinton: Yeah.. I just want to congratulate you on breaking a seemingly unbreakable record. Michael Jordan: Mr. President, with all due respect, I can't remember breaking any records over these past two years. Whose record did I break? Bill Clinton: Mine! For being the biggest damn liar in the history of Washington! You ain't retiring! Michael Jordan: Oh, come on! I AM retiring! I'm not the biggest liar in Washington. Bill Clinton: You may have a point. Hillary's been promising me that divorce for years. Michael Jordan: Goodbye, sir. Fans, I'd just like to reiterate that I am retiring: I have played my last game for the Washington Wizards. Bob Costas: We'll see if the fans are as gullible as Michael thinks we are. Snapper, how's that phone poll going? Snapper: Well, Bob, of the ten thousand who have called in already, five believe that Michael Jordan is lying, and the other 9,995 are, um, wrong numbers. Bob Costas: Wow, stunning results. Hey, are those brownies over there? Michael Jordan: Bob, don't you remember when you were diagnosed with diabetes in the summer of 2002? That plate of brownies will kill you. Bob Costas: Oh, why should I trust a big liar like Michael Jordan? I'll eat as many brownies as I feel like. (Bob scarfs a few brownies) There, see how I.. (starts convulsing) Oh God. Michael Jordan: I told you, Bob. Bob Costas: No.. you...... didn't..... you................... LIAR! (collapses and dies) Snapper: Uh-oh. Well, you saw it here first, folks. Bob Costas has died. As you and I plainly just saw, he was murdered by super-liar Michael Jordan, who by the way, will be playing in the NBA for the rest of his life, and for ten years after he dies. Michael Jordan: Now I remember why I retired the first two times. (back to the newsroom) Newsman: Well, there you have it. Michael Jordan lies about his retirement, and then murders Bob Costas right before our eyes. But if we remember the Ray Lewis story, we'll see him plea bargain his way to playing for the Wizards for the next fifty years. Join us tomorrow, when the media exposes retiring NHL superstar Mario Lemieux for the liar he is. Rate or review this sketch. |
