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Steve Austin.....Will Ferrell Ordinary Guy.....Tracy Morgan Oil Company Executive.....Horatio Sanz [Scene: A local bus stop made up of a simple bench and sign located on a street sidewalk. Steve is standing dressed up in raggy clothes with his hat on the ground in front of him. Enter Ordinary Guy. Ordinary Guy sits down to wait for bus. He checks his watch.] Steve: Hey! [pause] Hey! [pause] HEY! Ordinary Guy: Huh? Are you talking to me? Steve: Yeah, how about you spare a nickel for a starving street performer. Ordinary Guy: Street performer? You're just standing there with your hat in front of you? Steve: Have you ever heard of artistic expression? Ordinary Guy: Have you ever heard of getting a job? Steve: That's cold man. Fine, I'll sing you a song if that'll help. Ordinary Guy: At least you could call that performing. Steve: Alright then. La, la la YOU SUCK! Ha ha I'm a comedian, now c'mon give me some cash man. Ordinary Guy: No, get lost. Steve: How about I give you some advice. Try some prune juice. It'll clear up the blockage. Ordinary Guy: C'mon here's a nickel, leave me alone. Steve: Alright that's a start. Next, I'll try and predict the future...I see rain in the forecast.... hooock... Ordinary Guy: Don't even think about it! Steve: Take it easy I was just clearing my throat man. Geez. You are wound up buddy. Seriously though I'm a dancer by trade. Ordinary Guy: Where's that damn bus? Steve: C'mon, I feel bad about bothering you and after you gave me that nickel and all. Please just let me dance for you. Please man. Ordinary Guy: Fine, if you promise to leave me alone after. Steve: Oh for sure. [Steve takes off coat and begins dancing in front of Ordinary Guy. Suddenly Steve tears off his pants to reveal leopard thong underwear. Steve sits on Ordinary Guy's lap and begins to gyrate. Ordinary Guy eventually manages to push him off and he gets up to his feet.] Ordinary Guy: You are one sick freak. [goes and gets his nickel back.] I am out of here. Screw the bus. Next time I'm taking my car downtown so I don't have to put up with this kind of crap. [exit Ordinary Guy] Steve: [to offstage] Hey, where's my money b****! I'm sure you could spare a few quarters out of the roll I felt in your pocket! [Steve puts long jacket back on. Enter Oil Company Executive.] Oil Company Executive: Nice work Mr. Austin. Nice work. Steve: Where's the stuff? [Oil Company Executive produces small paper bag from coat.] Steve: It's the good stuff right? Oil Company Executive: Of course [Steve pulls a plastic quart of oil container from bag. Unscrews cap and lifts it. Sound effect 'Ba na na na na na' (a la six million dollar man) begins but stops abruptly half way to his drinking of the liquid. Steve grimaces then continues on. Sound effect plays again but slowly. Steve succesfully drinks the oil.] Steve: Oh that's the stuff. [moves arm up and down and smiles as sound effects play] Oil Company Executive: Only the best for you. Thanks to your efforts, and the efforts of others like you, we're getting people out of public transit and back into their cars where they belong. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now come with me. There are a bunch of cabs I need you to stink up. Steve: No problem sir. [takes a big drink. Sound effects play followed by a long fart sound.]. Let's roll! [begins to run in slow motion as sound effects play. Oil Company Executive watches and shakes his head.] [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
